Ramble On

I am freezing. The weather is changing and I do not like it. My office still has AC running!

Of course I have a wool shawl with me, and if my hands were working (I haven't knitted in a week) I would be working on my Hue Shift over my lunch break instead of typing things.

Here is a photo of me sitting on the ground waiting for my husband to pick me up after work last Friday with my Hue Shift. I really love how it's working up. Maybe I'll take a better photo of it soon (you know I won't).

We had parent-teach conferences this week and I was shocked to learn that my children are "very quiet" in school. My kids? I'm glad they know how to act in public! Anyway, before the conferences we stopped at Lowes (which has all their Christmas decor out, I do not want to talk about it!) and saw this bird eating the bird seed off the floor inside the store so I took a photo. God bless smart phones!

Little bird in Lowes

My lunch is gross (just fat free yogurt and a little honey), and I want coffee. I might make that happen.

eta: I'm still trying to write about my NASA trip, I have a draft and everything, its just not quite right.

I love this video, it was produced over the summer. I know some (okay one) of the students in it fairly well. I wrote an article about her, and she is a genuinely nice person. I'm going to be sad when I don't work at this college anymore.

I'm interviewing for another position at the University but each unit inside the University is called a college...so we have the College of Liberal Arts etc. Right now I work at the Eberly College of Science - just some information for those not in the know- 

Things have sort of gone sideways. I'm okay. More soon.

It's freaking NASA!

Last week I had the opportunity to attend an event at NASA Langley. It was a huge deal to me because I have never been anywhere on my own before for a number of reasons, one reason being that my Crohn's disease makes me super nervous to travel. I had to go this time, because when NASA invites you somewhere, you go, you just do, it's freaking NASA!

I seriously loved this car!

I arrived on a Tuesday, a day early for the events, and thank goodness I did because my flights were delayed forever, but I arrived safely and picked up my adorable Nissan Juke rental car. Now this car was perfect for me, a person who doesn't really like to drive, because it was small and easy to maneuver. It would be completely impractical in my every day life because my dear husband and our children are all super tall, but for this trip, it was perfect. I got to my hotel, the Hilton Garden Inn at Coliseum Central, and pretty much went right to bed. Traveling made me so tired, I was also really missing my kids at this point an it hadn't even been 24 hours!

I slept until 11a.m and it was glorious! The first event didn't start until 3p.m. and that was meeting up with some of the NASAsocial attendees for dinner. We went to this really cute restaurant, The Surf Rider Grill in Hampton VA. I had crab (of course!) and there was this huge shark on the wall, which I took a photo of like the tourist that I was. Thankfully there were a few other people who were also in awe of the shark so we all stood there taking photos and I realized that I was going to be okay surrounded by this group of enthusiastic people who loved science, space, and taking photos just as much (if not more) than I did.

This is very hard to write. Christmas came and went, my grandfather spent the holiday in the hospital but came home a few days later. Then he got shingles and everything went down hill from there. He started having trouble breathing, and ultimately my grandfather passed away in January. Since then things have been crazy and haven't slowed down. Right after he passed I was finally able to sleep again. I feel like he gave me that gift.

The week after he passed I started working at another position in the college, this time in the marketing department. I had the privilege of working on the college's magazine, Science Journal. It was a lot of fun and very challenging for me. The first article I was given to write was about astrophysics, so you can imagine that I felt pretty overwhelmed, but it turned out fine in the end.

After the magazine came out I started training to take photographs and took over the social media for the college, which has kept me very busy, and now we are working on another issue of the magazine.

I think about my grandparents often. I know that I was very blessed to have them in my life as long as I did, but it does not make it any easier. My littlest daughter grew very close to my grandpa while he was living with us. They would sit together and eat Oreos, after he passed away she told me that she didn't know if she could eat Oreos anymore. We've caught her more than once in the weeks right after his death in the room he stayed in, sitting in his spot on the couch, having a snack and watching TV. She said that he'd want her to do that, and I think that he would.

I've been avoiding this, I like to present myself as put together, as confident and ready to tackle what the world was going to serve up. In truth, I'm feeling a little lost.

I've been looking for a (full time) job since March, I still have not found one, but I am working part time and I love the work I'm doing. I'm writing and creating documentation, I get to be creative, I'm writing, which is what I wanted to do, and I'm getting paid to do it. Sometimes the information that I have to deal with is a little dry but I made the decision to (try) to bring passion to everything I'm doing. If I think it's boring that will come through in my writing, so I strive to get myself interested in it and then the words flow more readily.

Every day I look for more job to apply for, and once a week I sit here and apply to them. I write a different cover letter for each one, I tweak my resume almost daily. I'm showing up, I'm doing the work, and I am still hopeful.

Of course, I have my moments. I joke that I'm completely unemployable. I say to my husband, "it's a good thing you've got a couple of job because your wife is unemployable" then I make a sad dog face. I still pray daily, and I have this deep feeling of peace. I feel like it's resting right at the bottom of my belly that everything is going to be okay and I'll find something to do with my life.

Back to my first paragraph, I'm feeling a little lost. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen to me, and I hate waiting. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing something so I'm waiting for a sign, or a phone call, or something to tell me what direction to go. I'm longing for something more and I'm searching for it every where, quietly.

So I'm tired, that's sort of normal, ha! I'm not a morning person, and I like naps but it a good sort of tired. I'm not sure how to explain it, it is what it is, to use a cliche.

Right now my littlest daughter is sitting on my right hip. It's sort of uncomfortable, in sort of the way that I'm tired, it's a good uncomfortable; holding her weight on my hip, I know where she is and she wants to be near me. I know this will change soon and no matter how uncomfortable it might be to have her perched on me while I also have a computer on my lap trying to steal a few moments to myself, I'll take it.

This weekend was so busy, my brother came up so we took all four kids (my three and my brother's) to a pumpkin patch to pick our own pumpkins. We've never done this before, and I hope it's going to become a tradition becuse I really enjoyed it. We never did things like that when we were kids and I was very hesitant to do it with my kids (I don't like crowds, and my father never allowed us to wait in any sort of line, we would just go home if anything requried a wait), so this weekend we dealt with both. My husband and my sister-in-law both came from families that did a lot of these things, so it was good to have their support.

Hubs, Eldest, and Middle Girlie checking out some pumpkins

Anyway, the kids had a good time stalking around the pumpkin patch looking for their pumpkins and we ended up with a huge 31 pounder, a 15lb pumpkin, and one that wasn't quite ripe (although I think the green pumpkin looks really cool, it's something we've never had before). In years past we'd just buy pumpkins from Wal-Mart, and took whatever they had.


Today my Middle Girlie had a birthday party to go to, and we did some running around in town after we dropped her off. We then came home and all the kids played outside, it was over 70 degrees here which is crazy for mid October in our area. So all the kids (and the dogs) were playing outside when my little nephew (who will be 1 next week) whapped Middle Girlie in the face with a magnifying glass. I'm pretty sure she's going to have a black eye come morning and I know she understands that her cousin didn't mean to hit her but she was still pretty shook up. Poor kid! She was fine a little while later but now when she's moving her hair she ends up touching her sore spot and it stings. My poor girlie!

Anyway, I've been tired, I mentioned that, because we've been so busy. I'm still adjusting to working and taking care of the kids/house/dog. We leave at 7:30 AM and we don't get home until 6PM. I'm not a morning person (I mentioned that too) so I get up around 6:30 to shower and get ready for the day. The kids get up at 7, and it's pretty rushed to get lunches packed and whatnot and out the door. I don't get much done in the morning. I know I should get up earlier but it takes a lot to convince myself to do so. Needless to say I spend most of my weekends catching up on laundry (I did 9 loads in the past two days, and there is still some that needs done). When I get home at night I end up eating dinner, helping with homework, bathing kids, and then I just veg on the couch until about 10:30 when I send myself to bed. I'm adjusting, it's hard, and I love it. I absolutely love working and being out of the house. I'm tired, but, as I said before, it's good tired.

We took flowers to the grave. All the flowers they sell for "memorial" just weren't right so I took it upon myself to make them. I'm very proud of the bow, I think Grandma would have also appreciated that I was completely covered in glitter when I was done.

Flowers for my Grandma's Grave

I could really use that full time job now :-) I'm ready, for real.

More tomorrow. I have much to say.

Love,
Jos

I was in so much pain yesterday, to be honest it was probably something I ate (or drank, Starbs!) but today I feel better. I'm tired and sore (like I did a bunch of crunches) it was so strange, even my hands hurt. I ended up taking 2 extra strength Tylenol (I try to avoid taking anything at all because it can aggravate my condition) that took the edge off a bit, usually it makes me fall asleep, I've become that sensitive to meds, and they did make me a little tired I think, it might have just been the day because all the ladies in the office were yawning. I was seriously talking to God while I was driving in to work because I was in so much pain. It was AWFUL and I don't want to do that again so needless to say I'm fully 100% back on SCD now. I'm baking coconut flour bread as I'm typing (yes it's almost 11PM) and making another batch of yogurt.

Stupid Crohn's but I know that this was a sign or a warning or something. I've been cheating with sugar (no gluten, never going to eat gluten again) since April. It started off with a Cadbury Creme Egg, I just couldn't resist. Now, I wasn't eating sugar right out of the jar or anything like that but I was eating ice cream (almost) every day, I was eating candy almost every day (like m&m's, sour patch kids etc) and I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. I told myself every day that I was playing with fire but I just kept doing it.

Sugar is a fickle mistress. We have a love/hate relationship.

Today it is raining, and usually when it's raining my guts feel like they are being twisted, or stabbed, or both. Right now it's both, and I would love to curl into a ball and sip peppermint tea until it goes away, but I refuse.

 I have stuff I have to do today. I went and picked up the rest of the things I need for my daughter's birthday party, I stopped at Sally's Beauty Supply to get my Aunt a Styrofoam wig head (don't ask). I also have to be at work in about an hour. I'm in pain, it starts in my gut but right now my entire body aches.

 I refuse to give in to this. I have to be stronger than this disease because people know that I have it (and I'm forthright about it) they expect me to be weak, I can take a lot. It's these days, these days that are rainy and painful that make me appreciate the days where there is no pain. I also know that this is temporary, the pain never lasts forever.

So today I will drink lots of water, because although I don't feel like doing that at all, I need to. I will eat good, healing food, and I will go to work and distract myself with things that I need to do. I will take elevators and sometimes I will have to breathe like I'm in labor when a pain hits me but I will get through it like I always have before.

I refuse to stay still, I refuse to curl into a ball and ignore the day.

Sorry Crohn's, I got this.

My coconut flour banana bread!

Today I baked, it was the first time in a while. I made gluten free banana bread (for my husband) and my own coconut flour banana bread.We don't like to share ;-)

I don't think that I've mentioned it here, because I'm trying to be careful of how much I share (or over share) in blog-land, but my Grandfather moved in with us. I know I wrote before about my Grandmother passing away back in May, she was 94. My Grandfather is 95.

My Grandparents were married for 74 years. My Grandfather, who is in very good health for his age, hasn't lived alone in well....74 years! It was hard for him living at home alone so we moved him in here, hey what's one more person ;-) It's been really great having him out here. My children are getting to know him and my mom is happy that she can be with him at this time in his life. 

The weather here is starting to cool down but the past week was very warm, in the 80's and pap was outside enjoying the weather. I'm so glad he's here and I'm glad baking season is coming back around. I love summer but I'm ready for the cooler fall. I hope we don't just jump to winter as we have in the past, PLEASE let us have fall!!

I'm fairly certain of what my kids are going to want for xmas and now I have no idea if I should buy them now (some are on sale!) or just wait and maybe find myself having to perform a Christmas miracle on ebay. 

I hate not having a game plan.

So here's what I think are going to be super hard to find come Christmas time:

I did not work today and now I keep thinking it's Saturday! It's Wednesday.

Right?

Okay it is. I took my Middle Girlie to get her ears periced today, she sat through it. I was so proud of her. I was afraid that she'd have the first one done and then freak out and refuse to get the second one punched but she did it, then I bought her a ton of earrings (that she can't wear for 4-6 weeks...).

So did you read that up there? That I did not work today? I got a job. Well I actually had a job perviously (working at a hotel) but I quit that one pretty quick when this other one came up. I don't generally do that but this was an oppertunity I had to jump on and so I did.

I'm currently working in an office (I get to wear dress clothes!) and I write all.day.long. I write then I edit what I wrote, then I print it out, and edit it again, email it over to the next office, and then edit more, and write again.

It's freaking fantastic. It's only a temporary job but I love it and I have decided to be present enough to enjoy ever minute of it. I'm totally nerding out over all the things I get to do! Power Point Presentations!

Ahh!


Tomorrow I go in again and I'm super excited to go despite the fact that my brother, SIL, and squishy baby nephew will be here visiting while I'm off at work; but I will see them when I get home and then we will have a hot dog roast, I will feed the baby jello, and watch the dogs wrestle.

Tomorrow is going to be a fantastic day!

I had just finished painting one of the down stairs bedroom and I took an early shower. I usually do it right before bed or first thing in the morning. I was washing my hair when I started thinking about my husband and our "plans" so many things we thought we wanted. I know how "temporary" becomes permanent. I know how things tend to fall apart and then other things end up falling together. Despite all our planning, or attempts to plan, other things just crop up. Someone breaks a hand (hubeast) or a kid needs glasses (Eldest, and Middle Girlie), life just gets in the way of all of our planning but it's still fun, sometimes, to think about what we would like to be doing in the future knowing full well that these plans are little more than dreams that apear a little fuzzy around the edges in our minds. Like looking through a veil of fog.

I'm 30 now. We are not where we thought we would be now, not in any sense of the word but things are good. We (our family) is all together. We got a puppy. We are learning to deal with things as they happen and not plan ahead too much. It's hard because naturally I am a planner, maybe it's because I am the oldest child, or maybe I'm just a control freak (true on both counts) but I'm trying to let go and just enjoy the time and the moments that I have that are calm and sweet. As I've gotten older I've said that I just want a quiet, boring life, and for the most part that is true. The things that I thought were important when I was younger just aren't. We're here, we're alive, we're breathing.

My Grandmother died in May just before Mother's day. She never drove a car, heck she never even wore pants in her entire life. She always wore stockings when she went out of the house and beads. She always had a rain hat in her "pocket book" (purse) she carried tissues and would kneed them in her hands until they clung to themselves becoming pulp. She was 94 years old. She was a housewife, a mother, a grandmother, a great grandmother many times over. She died at home.

I never asked her if she was happy, we didn't talk about those things. What I did know about her was that she loved children, she knew all of our names despite the fact there was many (many) of us grandchildren. She knew all my kids' names. She always smiled and laughed, sometimes at nothing, like joy was bubbling out of her. Once, when I was a senior in high school she asked my parents to take her to Niagara Falls in Canada so she could see it. We never understood why, a woman who was afraid of water her entire life, wanted to see Niagara Falls but we went. The first night we were there she tripped and fell over a parking block in the lot of the hotel. She looked like she was beat with a bat, her eye blackened immediately but she refused to go home and we spent a week up there eating pizza in our hotel room at night and watching weddings in the park beside the falls during the day. It was one of the best vacations we ever took and I think it was the furthest from home she ever was. I have pictures of her holding each of my children when they were babies. It was important to me to have them.

She's only been gone for two months but it seems like forever and also seems like it just happened. I just wonder, you know, if she was happy or did she just not think about it. She was raised to take care of others, she dropped out of school in eighth grade because her mom got sick and she needed to stay home to take care of her younger siblings. She said she cried when she was told she couldn't go back to school but in the end she did what she needed to do. I just hope I can be that strong when it comes down to it, when it comes down to doing what I want or doing what's best for my family. It seems like now everyone is so obsessed with being fulfilled in their lives and living dreams I just wonder how she felt about all of this and I'm upset with myself that I never thought to ask her and now I'll never get that chance and I regret that.

I collect dolls. I sort of keep it myself (mostly) except for my collection of Russian nesting dolls in the living room no one really knows, unless they go into my bed room. There you would be greeted by no less than half a dozen American Girl dolls, plush animals, and any other sort of doll or dollesque thing that I happened to like at one time or another.

I'm an equal oppertunity doll hoarder.


They aren't just laying around, they are on stands and neatly placed on shelves, so don't go calling any sort of TV shows on me just yet.

So today I picked up a new doll for my collection (and of course my daughters want to know if we can share it *cough*)

Yes, she has a huge head and cotton candy in her hair and I love her! This is a La Dee Da doll,  I first spotted them while stalking the toy fair back in January. Today I came across all the available ones at Target (which is amazing because I swear our Target is the last one to get anything new). We (my daughter's and I) have plans to get the entire collection of this line and march them happily up and down the living room bookshelves, we are sure that their dad won't mind at all. Hey, the house is already covered in glitter he's already pretty much sunk.


So cute!

This past weekend was my cousins' baby shower. This is her second baby and first girl so of course my Aunt went all out with the girlie cute stuff. Everything turned out wonderfully and I think the guest of honor had a good time.

I knitted a little something something for her. She is planning on doing the baby's room in brown and pink so I took those two colors and ran with them

This is from Susan Anderson's book Itty Bitty Knits. It's actually not so itty-bitty but oh well. My favorite part is the pom pom mane, so cute! I might make another one for a Christmas gift for one of my nephews (in one year we went from having no nieces and nephews to having 4, which makes me super excited).

*squee* babies.

I also made her a diaper cake, now I've made several diaper cakes in the past couple of years but this was my favorite out of all of them I've made.


 The little ballet shoes are real leather. They were on clearance so I had to snatch them up. Shoes are so impracticable for babies, but these were so cute I had to. There are 4 bibs, 6 hair things, 5 onesies, the little shoes, baby wash, lotion, and powder in the cake. The cake itself is 62 rolled up size 1 diapers tied with curling ribbon. So fun to make!

I have a confession: I am a coward.

I deleted my blog for two months, actually it was stored in blog limbo but it was not accessible because I was afraid that people (potential employers) would google me, find out I have Crohn's, and then not interview/hire me.

I know that it's illegal, but I was still afraid it would happen.

I'm still looking for a job. I have lots of conditions (it has to be during the hours of 8 - 5 so I can drop off my kids/pick them up in time for school, has to be in the same town they are going to school in (we're doing a charter school this year, no busses) , and I'm old. I've also been told that a lot of places that I'm applying to will not look at my application because I have a bachelors degree. Ugh. I thought it was a good thing to be "educated" but apparently that translates to "wants more money then we want to pay" it's been frustrating.

I've missed blogging and decided I needed to heed my own advice and "be brave" once again.

I'm back. I've missed you!

xoxo
Jos

I've been thinking about how and what to write for a while now but everything seems forced. I can't get into the flow of it and I'm tripping over my words.

In the past couple of weeks a lot of things happened.

First the positive news, I've started looking for a job, yes a job that will require me to leave the house and put my littlest in daycare. My mom wants to watch her, so nothing will really change for her since we all live together. I'm really excited about working! I've been applying and I'm hoping to hear something soon, if my potential employers are googling me: HI! Please hire me! I'll do a fantastic job!

Now the hard part: My Grandmother passed away the morning of May 12. Yes the day before mother's day. It was awful, the viewing, the funeral, so so sad. She was 94 years old. She had a good long life, and we should all be so lucky, but it still hurt. I had never lost a grandparent before. I think it was that much worse because I know that it's starting, the people I love are going to die. I knew that, logically, but now that it's actually here in front of me it makes it hard to breathe. It hurts. It makes me want to write a bunch of long run-on sentences. I'm just not sure what to do or how to express it properly.

I feel small and vulnerable, human, I guess. 

Last night we went and bought a van. My car (that we were able to trade in for a cool 800 bucks) was 13 years old, falling apart in chunks, and the kids were completely outgrowing it. It was a good choice and I think we got a very good deal. Hubby is saying this is my combined mother's day/anniversary gift. He'll probably find a way to also make it my birthday gift as well ;-) which is fine, I love the van! It drives great, granted, I've only had it for a day but the first impression counts right?

Also: I accidentally made the most delicious iced coffee the other day using coconut milk, instant decaf, water, ice, and honey. I'm going to try recreate it today while taking notes. My fingers are crossed, we'll see what happens!