Ramble On

Next week is finals week. My husband works at a university, he's also a grad student. This week he's finishing up all his projects for his masters' classes and next week he has to go into work early every  morning to make sure everything is going to work for the finals (he's in IT, the university does a lot of electronic testing in various labs around campus). It's going to be a stressful week!

I promise 100x over that I will have the cranberry sauce recipe uploaded as soon as I can get the card reader away from my husband (will probably be tomorrow or Sunday) he's taking the kids down to a Christmas party and I'm going to start wrapping gifts, I'm going to have to take breaks so I'm planning on typing and formating during my "down time".

I also wanted to mention that my pattern for the Lil' Hoot bag is now available on ravelry for download (it's free)!

• I keep forgetting about using swagbucks which is really bumming me out now that I want to do Christmas shopping! I went ahead and installed the toolbar on this computer so maybe I'll remember now, there's always next year. 

• New FREE knitting pattern will be going up soon, I've made this one into a PDF download I suppose it will be easier for people to use.  It's this cute little owl purse, which will be a great super quick knitted gift!

• I can not believe tomorrow is Wedensday already! After Wendesday I pretty much consider the week over, it seems like before you can blink it's Friday night again.

• I still don't have a voice. 

• I sort of enjoy not being expected to speak.

I keep meaning to write but then I sit down here and I find I really have nothing to say. Things are going well, as well as can be expected for my little family. My kids have colds, but they are okay. I'm still in remission, thank God though I'm having some issues with my throat, I feel like it's been swollen for months now I go to the Doctor next week so I'm going to have him look at that. Hopefully it won't involve antibiotics but with my luck I'll have to have my tonsils removed and eat ice for a couple of days. I heard it's awful to get down while you're older but honestly compared to Crohn's, depression, and giving birth, I think I'll be okay. As I've mentioned before my health is a priority, because if I'm not well I won't be able to properly care for my children.

I suppose though, that I'm getting what I wanted most: a normal, "boring" life. I love it, but there's not much to write about, at least not in a way I've figured out yet.

Once again I'm blogging from the toliet, yes I have pants on. I'm just sitting here while I have a kid in the tub this is really the only time I get to write. Since she's turned 3 Miss Lady has not let me out of her site. She will completely ignore me while I'm in a room with her but as soon as I leave said room, she starts screaming for me.

It's been a long couple of weeks.

My sister-in-law was due to have her baby last Friday, she is however, still pregnant. I can't wait for this little guy to arrive! I'm finally going to be an Aunt! I'm not really sure how significant that actually is but I am super excited for it!

Been knitting, a lot, so much that my hands are being to chap and crack. It's painful I hate this time of year when the heat starts coming on 1) because it's expensive and 2) because it dries me out. Oy. I also have patches of dry skin under my eyes. I guess I've suddenly become allergic to my face wash (cold cream) so I switched to just plain old Dove soap and it seems to be clearing up. At one point the skin was cracked and bleeding, I looked a little like a zombie.

Oh and I cut my hair!

This article from Boing Boing was shared with me on Face Book. I knew the story, I've been following Reid's progress and blog for over a year now, every since I was up late in my hospital room googling Crohn's, aka: what the hell was wrong with me. This article is amazing and I hope that it gets a lot more people on board with this diet. Yes it's hard (at first)  but it's for your health, is there a better reason to just give it a chance? Honestly, what is there to lose?

That's the point I was at 15 months ago right after my diagnosis, granted, that is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things but when I look at where I am now to where I was... I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way. My main motivation has always been caring for my children; which is why I knew I had to try everything I could to get well,  but now that I am feeling better than I ever have in my life,  I'm realizing that maybe I can have an actual life outside of this disease and outside of my role as a mother.

I think that's why I'm so excited for my knitting designs going out into the world. I created them on my own, no one helped me, no one felt badly for me because of my condition, people that are using my patterns probably don't even know that I have this disease.

I want to be an advocate for this disease, (or my combo of diseases, depression and Crohn's) but I don't want it/them to define me. I'm not sure how I would even define myself, this actually kept me up last night, I'm older now that I ever though I'd be, and now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with myself! It's a crazy feeling, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet.

My Viao finally bit it, so I've only had the mac (can't get my photos on to it) and my iPod. I finally realized tonight that there was an app to blog (and really what isn't there an app for?).

A lot has been going on the past couple of weeks and I felt like I was being pulled in several directions at once but things are finally slowing down and I feel like i'm finding time to catch my breath.

My littlest turned 3 last week, this is the first of my children's third birthdays that I have not been pregnant with another one. It's finally starting to sink in that I'm not going to have any more children and it's been hard on me. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do with myself. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do when my littlest starts school. It's scary! I have been so in the moment with the children for the past ten years just focusing on caring for them not considering the fact that eventually there won't be an infant to care for, that these children on day will all be out of the house at the same time and I may not have to vacuum twice a day (at least not on week days). Crazy for me to consider what to do all day, and I'm pretty freaked out!

For the past couple of days I have not been able to log into blogger, of course this happens when I actually have something I want to talk about!

My children have gone back to school, another summer is behind us. They are at two different schools this year and there was a fair bit of nerves this morning. Readjusting to having just one kid at home is sort of weird too. It's so quiet here and little one is not letting me out of her sight. We went shopping today but those trips won't be very frequent especially when it starts snowing (October, yes I'm sad about it). I'm sure we'll find something to do, but I have to say that I got a lot of house work done today!

We made our way to Micheal's where my darling 2-year-old daughter chose her craft kits that she wanted to do (okay she's nearly three), she loves those foam kits that have the sticker backs. She got one to make book marks, one to make Halloween pumpkins, and a turkey craft. Each kit has enough to make between 4-20 items, it should keep her busy for a couple weeks.

This morning, I wasn't sure we were going to be going anywhere. My stomach hurt, and it was making noises. I was nervous until I realized that my period was supposed to start today, so I convinced myself that the pain I was feeling was related to that, and went about my day. The strange thing was one I decided it was related to my period I sort of stopped thinking about it. I took my meds and followed my route and we were able to leave the house get all our errands ran and (most) of the house hold chores done. I felt really accomplished today, and it's sort of silly, before I would have been beating myself up for the stuff I didn't get done because nothing was good enough and if I wasn't completely exhausted by the end of the day obviously I had not done enough. No I'm grateful for ever semi-normal day I have! What a difference, and I'm so glad for it.

I.am.so.tired I had to go get a tooth drilled this morning, then I went grocery shopping. That pretty much wiped me out for the day. After my face stopped throbbing I made dinner, played with the kids (my middle girlie can now ride her bike with out her training wheels!). It was so cold here today that I actually wore my wool jacket out this afternoon to watch them play. Oy. I am not ready for winter yet.

Tomorrow I'm taking my mom shopping and we are taking the kids out to lunch before they start back to school next week.

I'm not ready for that yet either, but it will come. I've adopted that as my new policy. Before I would get all stressed out about events that were going to take place, now (and I'm sure my meds have something to do with it) I'm a heck of a lot calming and am trying to take things as they come, even if I'm not looking forward to them. They are going to happen away, and I'm going to move through it. Like getting my tooth drilled (ugh) I showed up, I survived, I moved through it, no reason to work myself up, make myself feel sick, and have to put things off.

On the knitting front, I am about half way done with my newest design sample and will hopefully be able to spend a lot of time with it over the weekend. I'm also still working on Christmas gifts and attempting to plan a birthday party for my youngest who will be 3 next month.

I'm sort of busy.

I'm feeling better today, although I'm still having some pain. Still no other symptoms though and my wrists feel better as well. Freaking weird.

We spent the day in Pittsburgh on Tuseday, I have pictures. I will write a proper post later!

xoxo

I feel like I lost an entire week, I don't mean that I wasn't busy, I really was, but I had planned on doing a lot of things and not much got done!

Middle girlie was at day camp all week, which means all the kiddos and I had to be up and out the door by 8:30 every morning. Big Deal, you say. I am not and never have been a morning person. It's been a pain for me, but good practice for the upcoming school year I suppose. Ugh. Not looking forward to that!

I am looking forward to the weather turning colder so I can get back to baking and creating new recipes. I'm looking forward to Halloween, and Christmas shopping, and knitting up things with soft wool and using it as a blanket while I'm working on it.



Speaking of knitting with soft wools, my pattern was accepted by Knit Picks and is now for sale on the site! I am beyond excited, it's something I never thought would happen for me. I'm so grateful for the people at Knit Picks for taking a chance on me and sending me the yarn to knit up this sample. It was a great experience!

This past week was all about the Baby Shower. I threw my SIL a baby shower on the 16th and pretty much every waking moment from Thursday of last week until Monday was spent planning the shower, shopping for the shower, crafting for the shower, hosting the shower, and then cleaning up after the shower.

It was a heck of a lot of work but I think she enjoyed herself! Hopefully everyone else did too, but in the end it's all about the baby right?

It was a mustache bash, super fun theme.

We ordered the cake from the local grocery store, we just got it done with the writing, I added the ducks which I mustached with sharpies.


Me, wearing my mustache. We tried to take pics of all the guest wearing their 'staches.


My SIL surrounded by my girls as she's opening her gifts.


I'm still tired! I still love planning parties but it really takes a lot of me now. I don't know if it's because I'm "old" now or it's the heat, or just the fact that my Crohn's has been simmering (more about that later).

Of course I knitted for the shower.


This is a little kimono sweater, pattern from Sweet Mama, Small Sugar. Love her patterns!


This one is my creation, a baby Janye hat knitted in sport weight sock yarn on size 3 needles. I'm planning on making the pattern available soon (free!).

I'm going to post a few more pics of the shower at a later time, after I've recovered! I have a GI appointment on Thursday, which is making me a little nervous, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll update on that after it happens of course!

yes that is Kermit on my shirt

This year has been crazy, and I'm not talking about 2011 in general but this past year from July '10 - July '11. This month marks my one year diagnosis with Crohn's. I feel a lot better, in fact better than I have in years. I hope this continues and I really feel like I have myself to thank for this (so much for being humble) and God of course, who give me the strength to do this. I pray every night for the resolve to stick to my diet to be healthy, and to be a good mama for my children.

So that sort of sounded like an awards speech, which is not what I was intending. I'm just grateful, so very grateful for the chance to feel good, and like a normal person, to not be walking around in pain every day and so very grumpy. I love my life, my kids, my husband and I hope that there are good things to come for me and my family in the future.

I'm trying to put myself out there now that my health is stabilized and I feel like I can make it a priority. My sample got mailed off to the publisher, which was a huge step for me, fear has held me back all my life and I can't let it do that any more. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that it's okay to just give up on what they want because it's scary or it gets hard. That's not what life is about and I'm just learning this now! I hope that I can be a good example for them, it's taken me long enough to get here.

I don't think I've had my hair cut in like...a year, or two, I honestly don't remember. I made some stupid deal with myself that I wouldn't get my hair cut until I had published something and gotten paid for it.  Can I just say, that ain't gonna happen before my hair is down to my butt and being a Crohn's patient, that could get messy.

My youngest daughter has started saying "Mommy, Mommy, let down your hair!", which is cute, but also ugh.

I'm not sure what to do with it though, I usually cut my own hair (yes even the back). It's thin, so it's not hard to do but there is just so much of it right now. I like having it long enough to put up into a pony tail but this is a big excessive. I'm going to be in a wedding in March but that's forever away and I'll have time to grow it out again by then if I need to. 

Being a girl is hard, men don't have to make these types of decisions.  Can I mention of fracking (yes fracking! nerds unite!) grateful I am at this moment that this is my biggest issue in my life right now?

my youngest daughter putting flowers on the grave of my Great Uncle

Last week we drove out to the cemeteries to decorate the graves of my grandparent's families. It was the first year we were invited to do this because usually, Grandma makes it a point to do it herself.

Grandma's health hasn't been the greastest. She's 93 years old, there's nothing medically wrong with her (as in a diagnoisis or anything) she's just old, and things are wearing out. She still made sure that the flowers were bought, and that someone was going to go decorate the graves. Since my mother is disabled and does not drive she asked me if I would mind running her, I asked if it was okay if I took the kids along. She said yes. I think these sort of things are important.

While we were there my older two starting asking questions. My eldest (the math wizard) started telling us at what age people passed as we walked through the stones. I showed him the grave of my second-cousin, whom he was named after and passed away when he was just five years old, that gave him pause. We talked about death, and heaven, and why we come to places like these to decorate and up the keep the graves. They were quiet, and respectful and when we left they thanked me for letting them come along.

It shocked me and I was proud of them for understanding. 

We don't go to church, this is something we want to change but I'm still working through some issues with the idea of it and my husband wants us to go to a Catholic church but hasn't really made an effort to actually go. So we're sort of stuck in limbo. My kids know about God, as much as I've told them and they watch Veggie Tales but that's as far as it's gone. I feel stuck, and I need to pray about it.

As I'm writing this I'm hearing screaming from the living room, my husband's voice asking "What did you take from her? Why is she screaming like that?" it's our two year old, the drama has been intense here now that big brother and sister have been home more, it's hot, and the sun is staying out longer. This house is no longer run by Miss 2-year-old all week day long. Summer vacation is going to be a huge adjustment for all of us.

I'm demanding time for myself, mostly to finish my knitting sample (deadline is in sight, I'm nervous about finishing) but also to blog, as I have been not doing much of it lately. I can blame it on a lot of things, but it's just me, chosing not to. I've been outside spending time with my kids and my husband, I'm actually trying to have conversations with my father and work on that relationship as well. In other words, I've been focusing on my "real life". However, there has to balance and I do enjoy having my blog and reading other blogs (oh I haven't done that in forever it seems like) so I'm taking two hours every other night to knit, blog, and read. It's not much time but it's what I'm willing to give it right now. I'm going to mostly blame the weather for that one, it's been so cold and awful here on the mountain and all of the sudden it's thunderstorm season! We lose power during every storm so there's that but when it's sunny and warm I crave outside, it's been dark so long.

My father got in to Graduate school. He's much calmer now and easier to talk to, it seems like we're more on a level playing field or some such thing. I'm not even sure if that makes any sense but that's how it's feeling. My husband is also in grad school so they've been getting along better as well. I, myself, am enrolled in grad school (meaning I got in) but I'm not actually taking any classes yet and I don't know if I will at all. At least not any time before my husband graduates (4 more classes, it'll take him 2 years) there is absolutely no way we could deal with everyday life if we were both in school right now. Anyway, it looks like my dad will be riding to school with my husband since hubby works at the university. Sort of full circle I guess since when I was in undergrad my father quit his job to go to school, he was a freshman when I was a senior and we rode to school together as well.

So that was a big brain dump but I feel like I had to get it out. Blargh, so there.

...actually that's not true, I've cut down on my dryer use. I still use it to dry towels and sheets but everything else is getting hung to dry. Due to my (many) allergies I can't hang things outside so I've been using the basement. It's been working out okay, but since the furnace isn't running things are taking a pretty long time to dry. I'm talking a couple of days for my 6-year-old's more fluffy skirts it's not really that big of a deal since she's got way too many clothes.

It's actually taking my a lot less time to put the laundry away though. I hang everything up on hangers that needs to go in the closets so I just take them up to where they need to go and bam! The worst thing for me hoping to catch the dryer on time to make sure the clothes didn't get wrinkled, hauling all the crap up from the basement and attempting to fold the mess with my two-year-old tried to help (really she just wanted the basket empty so she could play in it).

I tend to do a load of laundry a day just to keep up with it. Since I'm still using the dryer to do towels and sheets,  I'm only using it twice a week now! I'm hoping to see my efforts reflected in our electric bill but even if it's not, I think our clothes will last a lot longer. I know my husband is pleased because up until now I've pretty much shrunk everything he owned by putting in the dryer. It's not my fault that he's got freakishly long arms*!


Will report back on how this is going in the long run, I've only been doing it for a couple of weeks now.

*Hubby is 6'4" but his wing span is 6'8"

Right now it's after 10:30 PM and I'm making myself some dinner. Pan seared Tilapa with salt, pepper, and lemon juice, and two eggs over easy. It was hot today so I didn't feel like eating actual food, I ate fruit all day and when I got hungry (well watching food network) about an hour ago it dawned on me that I didn't really have anything substantial today so I'm making it now.  *shrug* It's been that kind of weekend.

My kids had off from school on Friday so I was very busy. I got a shower and went bounding down the steps in a hurry to make lunch and I fell, badly. Despite the 16+ years of ballet training I had, I am not very graceful. I bruised my tail bone and broke a toe, I've been in an incredible amount of pain. The heating pad helps and when I'm standing up I'm okay, actually sitting down has been a challenge. Strangely enough if I'm on a hard surface it hurts less, probably because I can lean forward and take the pressure off my tail bone but in a cushioned surface (the couch, my bed) I can not get comfortable. It makes for a very long night! 

On Saturday, was the rapture, 'cept it wasn't.  The weather was super nice. My 6-year-old had a soccer game, she scored 3 goals, I made burgers and complained about my poor hind end. I knitted a lot. Watched Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake on SNL  and enjoyed it. I stayed until until 1 AM, which is unheard of for me! I felt like I was getting away with something!

Sunday the weather was also good, the kids played outside a lot, I pushed my girls on the swings. My son showed me how he could climb up the play structure (on the outside of it, not the legal ways) and I held my breath the entire time. I kept things, how the heck am I supposed to get him to the hospital when he falls off that and breaks his leg when I'm all broken myself?  But, much like the rapture, nothing happened. He was fine. Show off.

My car is also not working. I drove it on Wednesday and parked it. It's the mass air flow sensor or something, which apparently is sort of $$ to replace, hubby is going to try to clean it, but we'll see what happens.

This week I have a new recipe to post and I'm working against a pretty pressing knitting deadline. Once I'm done with that project I plan on devoting a lot more time to baking and coming up with some new ideas for SCD recipes.

Today Hubs and I have been married for seven years. Holy. Crap. We don't do cards, but we did exchange gifts. I got him gluten free cookies from Liz Lovely he got me a gift certificate to Knitpicks, which is pretty much the perfect gift for me. Earlier this week he also put together a toy chest for my to store my yarn in. That's love people, or he was sick of looking at piles of yarn in our bedroom, either way.

In 2007 we moved back to the north east from New Mexico. We weren't sure we were going to stay together. It upset me to talk about how close we came to divorcing but something changed, I'm not entirely sure what. But we both decided we needed to give our relationship another chance and threw ourselves into it. Things got better, we had our third child, and then things started getting bad. My mom got sick, then our littlest became chronically ill (our youngest has asthma, several trips to the ER and a hospital stay were involved), then I was diagnoised with Crohn's. Throughout all of this turmoil that was going on around us and to us our relationship seemed to become stronger than ever.

My husband has always been a good father but the attention and time he spends with the children when they are sick is above and beyond what I expected from him, that isn't to say that I didn't expect him to help or care for our children, but the compassion and empathy that just pours out of him amazes and starttles me.

When I got sick, he was the one who took me the ER and sat with me, for four days, in the hospital. Of course he was also going home to take care of the kids in the mean time and working. But each day he would come, and he'd sit on a chair he didn't really fit on and watch that tiny fuzzy TV that was attached to my bed. We wouldn't really talk, but he was there, and that meant more to me than anything.

Things changed then. I had always been the caretaker. When he was diagnosed with Celiac I took care of him. I made sure to educate myself on the condition and make sure that he was able to eat well. This time he stepped up for me and I was humbled. He's so supportive of my being on SCD, he understands how much time it takes to prepare everything from scratch and he takes care of the kids to give me the time to get things done.  Even right now, he's keeping the children downstairs so I can have time to write and work on my knitting samples.

I've read a lot that when things get complicated that the marriages dissolve that it takes too much out of the relationship. To have a sick child, or be sick yourself changes the dynamic of the marriage, and it worried me. I've seen it happen to members of my family when my cousins have been stricken by autoimmune diseases. The spouse just can't handle it, they leave, they don't blame them.

I know that it's early days in my illness and for right now I'm functioning as well as can be expected. I feel though, in my heart, no matter what is going to happen my husband is going to be there for me and do everything in his power to help me through this. Today I just want him to know, and the rest of the blog-o-sphere, how grateful I am to have him in my life.

Hubby and I

This is the dessert set up I created for my daughter's 6th birthday party. The theme was Pink, in case you were wondering and no, I wasn't able to eat anything on that table. Funny thing is though, that now that I've been off the sugar for over 10 months now I don't even crave it, which is wonderful.

In my neighborhood where I grew up there were a lot of kids around we were all pretty much the same age too, all within two years of eachother. Most of the kids that were in my grade had a younger sibling that was in the same class as my brother. There were about 15 of us in the 'hood all within walking distance of each other separated by trees literally. We lived in a very rural area, all had well water, septic systems, I never knew people actually had to pay for water until I got married.

Today I found out that a young woman, who I grew up, also has IBD. That makes a total for 4 people that grew up in the neighborhood that have come down with it, and that is just the ones that I know of personally who were in our little group of friends and classmates. We are all the same age! It's insane! I'm sort of curious to see if anyone else comes down with it. Of course I have a family history of it (I have two cousins on the same side of the family with IBD, but I did not grow up near them), but I wonder if we may have been exposed to something in our shared environments that triggered our IBD or is it just a coincidence.

It doesn't really matter, I guess, how we all got it but it just makes me wonder, ya know? Not that I don't have enough to worry about in my own life, it's just another piece to the puzzle I guess.