Ramble On

Over the weekend my husband took our kids to visit his family. I stayed home to paint the dining room and the kitchen. It was in dire need and I don't mind painting. It was so quiet here with out kids and I had a lot of time to myself while I was rolling "pale sunshine" on to he pepto pink walls (who paints their dining room pink? whatever!). 

The drama has been thick recently. My Aunt had a house fire (she's fine, damage is limited to one area,  the firemen got it quickly) which scares the crap out of me. Fire is one of my worst fears and especially since hers was electrical, well that just freaked me out more. My mom doesn't think my Grandma is going to last to the winter, which also scares me. She's 93 years old, she's had a good long life but I've never lost a Grandparent before. I know I'm lucky, to be nearly 30 and never suffered a loss like that but now here I am staring it in the face and I'm not sure what to do.

It was nice to focus on painting. I don't know if it's my medication or what but I've been able to focus lately, before my mind was going a mile a minute and I could really do one thing at a time. Now it's like a check list up there, I can focus, I can complete one task in it's entirety and move on to the next one. It's incredible! I feel silly for saying that I'm excited that I can actually do the dishes without getting distracted by the fact that the floor needs swept and end up only doing each task half way and ending up with more of a mess then I started with. Maybe that's confusing and it was/is just me, but I'm glad that's changed.

I guess I never realized that I never got a break, there was always something I was freaking out about or anticipating in my own head. It was never quiet. Over the weekend I took two long hot bubble baths, it was sort of like I was getting away with something because I usually never get the chance to do that. It was wonderful to actually relax with out rehashing all my mistakes or be making a mental list of all the other crap I had to do.  I never knew what I was missing out on here. I'm so much calmer, the noise and the random pain I was having in my gut nightly has stopped. My GI told me that she thought these symptoms were being caused by stress, I really didn't think I was under all that much stress at the time because that is what I was use to and accepted as "normal"!  She was right, and thank God she told me!

It's amazing what someone can convince themselves of to the point of illness and breaking. I don't want to be broken anymore, I just want a normal, boring life. That's it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, have enough money to take care of my family and make a home to raise my children in. I'd also like to have some chickens but if that can't happen I'll be okay with that ;-)

I am now offically back on antidepressents, and honestly, i'm really happy about it. I've been freaking out  over dumb stuff. I found myself sitting here on Sunday getting really worked up about Christmas. Not in a "oh we should start saving" way I was getting really upset and trying to figure out things I could sell so I could buy my kids gifts. Um. What made me think I wouldn't be able to buy my children gifts? No idea. I always managed to in the past and I'm sure this year, once again, we'd magnage but why the sudden freak out? Not to meniton that I've been crying, a lot, about everything and nothing.

I'm an emotional person, I've always been an easy crier but it's never been at this level. I'll be having a phone conversation and just start tearing up.  There's more, isn't there always? I'm tired tough, of talking about it and obsessing about it. The bottom line is that I was having reactions to situations that I felt were irrational and I've been dealing with my depression long enough to know and realize when I need to go get help before it gets any worse.

In my mind I don't plan on being on the meds long-term, the doctors aren't thinking I'm going to either. We're currently look at 9-12 months and then weaning off, but we'll see where we're at when that happens. Right now, I need to be present for my kids and not a weepy heap.

My daughter's birthday is on Saturday, Easter is on Sunday this is a time of the year to make positive memories not things like "remember when I turned 6, and mom flipped out?". I'd rather not be involved in that. Thanks.

On Monday we had to take Baby Girl to the ER. She was breathing very rapidly and with her stomach muscles, which completely freaked me out. She wasn't turning colors, but I didn't want to take the chance. She screamed through her entire examination (which is a good thing) and she was diagnosed with bronchitis. We were given an antibotic, and an albuterol treatment and sent home. We got there about 11:30PM and we didn't get back home until 2AM. Sent hubby to bed, and fully expected Baby Girl to fall asleep shortly after.

Not the case.

She was feeling a lot better and the albuterol made her hyper. She was literally running around in circles until 5:30 in the morning. Ugh. I laid down on the couch and after she ran a couple more laps and dumped an entire bowl of M&M's on the floor she laid down and fell asleep. She got up at 7AM when the older kiddos came down for school. Needless to say Mama was dragging all day long, Baby Girl was fine though. Go figure, kids bounce back so fast.

I'm so thankful that she's okay. Thank God for that.

My medicine, Apriso, which I will need to be on foreva is going to be 135 dollars per go. However, I got a discount card (also called a copay card) from the drug company, of all places, so that it will be 85 dollars a month.

They offer these cards to everyone, just have to sign up on their website. So why can they just adjust the regular price to reflect the discount...Can they even do that? How do people afford this with out insurance? I'm not sure how much my insurance even covers. The only reason I know the price is because my pharmacist called to see why I haven't picked it up yet.

My doctor, bless her, gave me 7 weeks of samples.