Ramble On

After I'm done shooting off the list of things that I don't eat I'm often asked what exactly I do eat.

Well, actually, I eat a lot. I'm supposed to keep a food journal but I don't do it consistently, I'm like that. I'll be all into doing it for about an hour in the morning until I get busy with my kids, misplace my notebook, don't like to type on my (broken) ipod, etc etc. I do know what I ate/drank yesterday though just to give you an idea.

• Water (lots, I'm only putting it here once though)
• Peppermint tea with a tsp of honey (about 3 cups)
• 1 slice SCD legal cheese cake (made with full fat yogurt, and dry curd cottage cheese)
•  Smoothie made with 1 cup of full fat yogurt, 2 bananas, tablespoon of honey 
• decaf tea with a tsp of honey 
• coconut water
• Slice of SCD legal meat loaf (from Grain Free Gourmet, which is made with 90% lean ground meat, and loads of veggies: red pepper, celery, carrots as the binder)
• Apple cider
• seltzer water  
• Roasted chicken legs (2), pureed cauliflower
• 3 slices sharp cheddar cheese
• frozen peach slices, thawed, with cinnamon

Today I am introducing beans that have been soaked over night and fully cooked into my diet with the chicken chili recipe from Grain-Free Gourmet. Hopefully I'm able to tolerate them because that will be a great source of calories and protein for me.

I am trying to gain weight. I haven't lost that much in the grand scheme of things. I weighted 135lbs when I was admitted to the hospital in July, as of today I weigh 112lbs. I am 5'4". Once I stopped growing I pretty consistently weighted about 120lbs all throughout high school and college. I'd like to get close to that again it just seems impossible to keep any weight on right now.



Overall I'm feeling really good but the sight of my slight frame is starting to bother me. My hips stick out too much and my ribs are very apparent. The first thing my friend said to me when she saw me was, "What happened to your boobs?" I'd like to know too. I suppose this is the next step in this journey for me.

There are six weeks until big changes are coming to our family. I'm so nervous, scared, and freaking out. I have to just simply try not to think about it because there is absoultely nothing that I personally can do to prepare for this, I've already done all I can. I just have to let it come and allow whatever is going to happen to happen.

I hate that, and I'm finding that I'm going into mini panic attacks daily. I need to figure out a way to deal with this anxiety or I will get sick and that's not something I want to deal with on top of what is going to be happening.

I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic but I'm not prepared to talk about what's happen as of yet, I'm not sure if I will at all. I'm not sure if my getting excited about something somehow sets the universe into motion to make sure that whatever it is does not happen, for the past several years things have been going pretty badly for us money-wise, and my husband's career-wise, so I suppose I'm use to things going in that direction. How very depressing!

I'm glad that I've hoarded a ton of body wash over the years so I'll have plenty of smelly stuff to take several thousands of bubble baths and I have a lot of yarn, it might not be very good yarn but it's yarn and really if it came down to it I'd knit with dental floss (which I also have a lot of because I always get extra from the dentist).


I'm worried, very worried. I'm not even sure if that's the correct word for what I'm feeling right now but I have to figure out a way to deal with it. As of May 1, we will no longer have health insurance and being a person with a chronic illness, it's doubtful that I will ever be insured again (at least until 2014). Going into a flare is not an option. I'll be able to get my meds filled at the end of April, so I'll be able to ween myself off of them through May and we'll see what happens (my state does not have any health care coverage for adults, so that's not an option, COBRA is also not an option too $$, private pay insurance won't touch me because of my condition). I have the diet and my supplements firmly in place so I might be alright, keeping my fingers crossed and praying. Things have changed. My husband's date got pushed back so I will not be flipping out until July now, a couple more months to prepare.

It's snowing, again, just like the bad news that keeps coming my way, it keeps piling up. I'm still hopeful, that something, anything, will work out eventually. I'm just so tired of waiting.



This is the most recently thang I finished knitting, it's huge, and used up all my random bits of bulky weight yarn. The kids love him they've named him Rainbow. He lives on the couch.

I'm so glad that despite all the poo going on around me, I have something I can do to keep my mind and my fingers busy.

As I was washing dishes this morning I got to thinking about how I thought my life was going to be like when I was *this age*, it's nothing like I imagined. I thought by 28 I'd have a career, probably would have been to grad school or at least starting it. My own house, a newer car. Instead I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I have an incurable illness so the issue of actual employment in the traditional sense is sort of up in the air at this time. We do not own a home and it's very unlikely we will in the foreseeable future. I drive a 12 year old vehicle that I now refer to as my "hoopty car". Grad school won't happen until my children are older and I can find a program that not only offers financial aid but also is completely online/distance ed due to my unpredictable illness. I'm okay with all of this, and this surprised me, because despite the fact that I don't have all the stuff I thought I should have at this age, I have a lot more than I ever expected.

I have three wonderful children and a good marriage. We've been married for nearly 7 years so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say that I have a "good marriage" yet, how many years until we qualify? He still gives me butterflies every time I see him. He is a good friend, a great father, and is a complete and total nerd, like me, we get each other. That's so important. I always joke that he's the "good Catholic boy", which is true he went to a Catholic school, he was an alterboy even when he was in the Air Force he attened mass on Sundays during basic training and served, now granted he later told me that was to get a few hours off from getting yelled at, but still. I'm not sure what they put in the water in the town where he grew up but there are some very good men coming from that area, a very good friend of mine is now engaged to my husband's friend. Yes, we did introduce them. They actually were coupled up at our wedding as a bridesmaid and groomsmen. I don't like taking credit for "hooking people up" just in case it doesn't work, I don't want to get kicked, but I have a good feeling about those two. 

For years I thought that if I admitted that something was good in my life, it would immediately be taken away. Even now if I want something really badly instead of going after it I try to convince myself that I don't really want or need it. I convince myself I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy of it. I'm trying to change that, and I'm praying about it. I'm choosing to pray about it because I just don't know what else I should do and as silly as it sounds I'm often finding myself quoting Abe Lincoln through out the day, "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go", in my head of course, I have not yet taken to muttering to myself. Yet.

I thank God for my children, and my husband, my ability to knit (I can't get over that I can use some sticks  and some string to create things) because it has given a lot of calm these past years, and I'm praying for guidance, and the strength to just get over myself and my self imposed limitations and just let go. 

my sweater, my knitting, my nails, my sweat pants

I really try not to talk about this too much, so it seems to come out in drips. My mom's health has been on the decline for the past couple of years now. She's so sick, and every day just seems to add another symptom to the mix.  She's disabled, completely unable to work in any capacity, she spends her days in bed or sitting in her recliner wrapped in a heating blanket. Everything changed in Sept of 2009 when she had a pain in her hip. A pain in her hip that just got worse and worse and now the pain, the numbness, the nerve death is through out her entire body and is now affecting her heart.

I always said that I couldn't handle this, that I didn't want to be in a position of a caregiver in any capacity but now that I'm here, and I'm in it I just simply try not to think about it too much because I get scared. Not just scared, terrified of what's coming next. Today she's covered in a rash. Will she be able to walk tomorrow? What about next week? Next month?  I just focus on what I have to do right now, the laundry, the dishes, taking care of my children, cooking meals, cleaning, I can't do anything else for her. I can't do anything else at all.

I think I need a vacation. Yep. Somewhere warm.