Ramble On

I've been avoiding this, I like to present myself as put together, as confident and ready to tackle what the world was going to serve up. In truth, I'm feeling a little lost.

I've been looking for a (full time) job since March, I still have not found one, but I am working part time and I love the work I'm doing. I'm writing and creating documentation, I get to be creative, I'm writing, which is what I wanted to do, and I'm getting paid to do it. Sometimes the information that I have to deal with is a little dry but I made the decision to (try) to bring passion to everything I'm doing. If I think it's boring that will come through in my writing, so I strive to get myself interested in it and then the words flow more readily.

Every day I look for more job to apply for, and once a week I sit here and apply to them. I write a different cover letter for each one, I tweak my resume almost daily. I'm showing up, I'm doing the work, and I am still hopeful.

Of course, I have my moments. I joke that I'm completely unemployable. I say to my husband, "it's a good thing you've got a couple of job because your wife is unemployable" then I make a sad dog face. I still pray daily, and I have this deep feeling of peace. I feel like it's resting right at the bottom of my belly that everything is going to be okay and I'll find something to do with my life.

Back to my first paragraph, I'm feeling a little lost. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen to me, and I hate waiting. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing something so I'm waiting for a sign, or a phone call, or something to tell me what direction to go. I'm longing for something more and I'm searching for it every where, quietly.

So I'm tired, that's sort of normal, ha! I'm not a morning person, and I like naps but it a good sort of tired. I'm not sure how to explain it, it is what it is, to use a cliche.

Right now my littlest daughter is sitting on my right hip. It's sort of uncomfortable, in sort of the way that I'm tired, it's a good uncomfortable; holding her weight on my hip, I know where she is and she wants to be near me. I know this will change soon and no matter how uncomfortable it might be to have her perched on me while I also have a computer on my lap trying to steal a few moments to myself, I'll take it.

This weekend was so busy, my brother came up so we took all four kids (my three and my brother's) to a pumpkin patch to pick our own pumpkins. We've never done this before, and I hope it's going to become a tradition becuse I really enjoyed it. We never did things like that when we were kids and I was very hesitant to do it with my kids (I don't like crowds, and my father never allowed us to wait in any sort of line, we would just go home if anything requried a wait), so this weekend we dealt with both. My husband and my sister-in-law both came from families that did a lot of these things, so it was good to have their support.

Hubs, Eldest, and Middle Girlie checking out some pumpkins

Anyway, the kids had a good time stalking around the pumpkin patch looking for their pumpkins and we ended up with a huge 31 pounder, a 15lb pumpkin, and one that wasn't quite ripe (although I think the green pumpkin looks really cool, it's something we've never had before). In years past we'd just buy pumpkins from Wal-Mart, and took whatever they had.


Today my Middle Girlie had a birthday party to go to, and we did some running around in town after we dropped her off. We then came home and all the kids played outside, it was over 70 degrees here which is crazy for mid October in our area. So all the kids (and the dogs) were playing outside when my little nephew (who will be 1 next week) whapped Middle Girlie in the face with a magnifying glass. I'm pretty sure she's going to have a black eye come morning and I know she understands that her cousin didn't mean to hit her but she was still pretty shook up. Poor kid! She was fine a little while later but now when she's moving her hair she ends up touching her sore spot and it stings. My poor girlie!

Anyway, I've been tired, I mentioned that, because we've been so busy. I'm still adjusting to working and taking care of the kids/house/dog. We leave at 7:30 AM and we don't get home until 6PM. I'm not a morning person (I mentioned that too) so I get up around 6:30 to shower and get ready for the day. The kids get up at 7, and it's pretty rushed to get lunches packed and whatnot and out the door. I don't get much done in the morning. I know I should get up earlier but it takes a lot to convince myself to do so. Needless to say I spend most of my weekends catching up on laundry (I did 9 loads in the past two days, and there is still some that needs done). When I get home at night I end up eating dinner, helping with homework, bathing kids, and then I just veg on the couch until about 10:30 when I send myself to bed. I'm adjusting, it's hard, and I love it. I absolutely love working and being out of the house. I'm tired, but, as I said before, it's good tired.

We took flowers to the grave. All the flowers they sell for "memorial" just weren't right so I took it upon myself to make them. I'm very proud of the bow, I think Grandma would have also appreciated that I was completely covered in glitter when I was done.

Flowers for my Grandma's Grave

I could really use that full time job now :-) I'm ready, for real.

More tomorrow. I have much to say.

Love,
Jos

I was in so much pain yesterday, to be honest it was probably something I ate (or drank, Starbs!) but today I feel better. I'm tired and sore (like I did a bunch of crunches) it was so strange, even my hands hurt. I ended up taking 2 extra strength Tylenol (I try to avoid taking anything at all because it can aggravate my condition) that took the edge off a bit, usually it makes me fall asleep, I've become that sensitive to meds, and they did make me a little tired I think, it might have just been the day because all the ladies in the office were yawning. I was seriously talking to God while I was driving in to work because I was in so much pain. It was AWFUL and I don't want to do that again so needless to say I'm fully 100% back on SCD now. I'm baking coconut flour bread as I'm typing (yes it's almost 11PM) and making another batch of yogurt.

Stupid Crohn's but I know that this was a sign or a warning or something. I've been cheating with sugar (no gluten, never going to eat gluten again) since April. It started off with a Cadbury Creme Egg, I just couldn't resist. Now, I wasn't eating sugar right out of the jar or anything like that but I was eating ice cream (almost) every day, I was eating candy almost every day (like m&m's, sour patch kids etc) and I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. I told myself every day that I was playing with fire but I just kept doing it.

Sugar is a fickle mistress. We have a love/hate relationship.

Today it is raining, and usually when it's raining my guts feel like they are being twisted, or stabbed, or both. Right now it's both, and I would love to curl into a ball and sip peppermint tea until it goes away, but I refuse.

 I have stuff I have to do today. I went and picked up the rest of the things I need for my daughter's birthday party, I stopped at Sally's Beauty Supply to get my Aunt a Styrofoam wig head (don't ask). I also have to be at work in about an hour. I'm in pain, it starts in my gut but right now my entire body aches.

 I refuse to give in to this. I have to be stronger than this disease because people know that I have it (and I'm forthright about it) they expect me to be weak, I can take a lot. It's these days, these days that are rainy and painful that make me appreciate the days where there is no pain. I also know that this is temporary, the pain never lasts forever.

So today I will drink lots of water, because although I don't feel like doing that at all, I need to. I will eat good, healing food, and I will go to work and distract myself with things that I need to do. I will take elevators and sometimes I will have to breathe like I'm in labor when a pain hits me but I will get through it like I always have before.

I refuse to stay still, I refuse to curl into a ball and ignore the day.

Sorry Crohn's, I got this.

My coconut flour banana bread!

Today I baked, it was the first time in a while. I made gluten free banana bread (for my husband) and my own coconut flour banana bread.We don't like to share ;-)

I don't think that I've mentioned it here, because I'm trying to be careful of how much I share (or over share) in blog-land, but my Grandfather moved in with us. I know I wrote before about my Grandmother passing away back in May, she was 94. My Grandfather is 95.

My Grandparents were married for 74 years. My Grandfather, who is in very good health for his age, hasn't lived alone in well....74 years! It was hard for him living at home alone so we moved him in here, hey what's one more person ;-) It's been really great having him out here. My children are getting to know him and my mom is happy that she can be with him at this time in his life. 

The weather here is starting to cool down but the past week was very warm, in the 80's and pap was outside enjoying the weather. I'm so glad he's here and I'm glad baking season is coming back around. I love summer but I'm ready for the cooler fall. I hope we don't just jump to winter as we have in the past, PLEASE let us have fall!!