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I posted a new (short) piece: The Best Advice I Can Give Right Now
I posted a new (short) piece: The Best Advice I Can Give Right Now
I was in a hurry this morning, to switch the laundry and get back upstairs to my sick little one (she has a cold, but in an asthmatic child, warrants being watched) when my ipod feel out of the pocket of my sweatshirt and landed, face down, on the concrete floor.
I made a decision that I would be limiting my computer time to only a few hours a day (as opposed to several hours all spread out through the day) including my ipod use. That one was pretty easy, I just left it upstairs, the fact that we have a lot of other computers around the house made avoiding sitting down at one pretty hard; especially when my daughters were watching Strawberry Short Cake this afternoon while my 9-year-old was playing on his laptop, but I did it and I'm comfortable with how much time I spent today. I'm planning on knitting tonight while watching American Idol on my Citron shawl (which I had to rip out and start over again). I got through the fist section of the pattern pretty quickly. I'm hoping to finish the second section tonight during my TV time (Idol, Top Chef).
I finished this up yesterday for a baby shower gift that needs to be shipped out ASAP.
I need to find some wrapping paper though, and a card, and figure out something to write.
That piece I was talking about not wanting to write? I'm writing it. In pieces. I'm going to share it when it's done.
I haven't been feeling great, since pretty much last Wednesday. I felt a little better on Monday during the day then last night it my entire right side hurt, terrible. This morning was okay, still sore but by mid-afternoon I was feeling pretty awful. I was nauseous and dizzy. I drank a bunch of water and coconut water, I dunno. Right now I'm feeling quite a bit better. Nervous though and quite frustrated with myself and my health in general.
So I'm writing, and trying to write about things that scare me and things I don't want to talk about. I've started, several times, to write about my last suicide attempt but thinking about that night makes me nauseous even though it was nearly 10 years ago. I'm not sure if I'm not ready to talk about it or just too afraid to. Do I push myself out of my comfort zone or do I just stop for now?
I've got a fever. I've been having some issues since Wedensday. My husband said I was over reacting cause I was nervous about Saturday. Can overreacting cause a fever? I'm not sure. So of course I'm self doubting, that maybe it can, and maybe this is all in my head once again. I called my doctor. She just thinks it s a virus and my Crohn's is reacting to the virus (body is under stress so my lower half starts making noises in protest). I don't like it. I also feel like I can't fully open my eyes because my head hurts so badly and being on SCD, and afraid to stray, I can't take any medication like Tylenol or anything. Obviously I will if it gets too bad, but I'm trying very hard not to. Very hard.
Today is my Grandfather's 94th birthday. I'm so blessed to have know him my entire life.
This is a photo of him and his mother at a birthday party at a local state park. I have no idea when this was taken (I'm assuming the 50's). I love how they are dressed. I don't think I would have liked to live back then (lack of technology, of which I have become dependent) but I would to go back to dressing so nicely for every occasion. She wearing white gloves!
I made plans for the weekend. Granted, it's only babysitting, so really I guess it's a huge play date for my three kids and my friend's two kids so she can move but I'm really getting nervous about it.
The drive two hours, who knows how long at the house, then driving home. My husband is going along to help (move her, not watching the kids) so really, it shouldn't be a big deal. I started getting upset about it shortly after I said yes, which is stupid, because I do want to help and with all five of the kids together the "babysitting" will amount to me sitting in the room with them because they will entertain themselves. I'm worried about my Crohn's acting up, of course, but there are bathrooms there and I told my husband which way to drive down to optimize bathroom availability, beyond that, there's nothing more I can do. I've made this trip before, many times, it shouldn't be effecting me like this.
Since I was diagnosed I have pretty much avoided making plans, maybe that's why this is so upsetting to me. Someone is relying on me to do something and I'm afraid that my health issues will get in the way. This is exactly how I want not to live, it simply can not happen. I can't have a productive life if I'm constantly worrying about and at the mercy of my disease, which of course, I am. Here I go again though, looking for trouble. If I feel fine on Saturday morning, most likely, I will feel fine all day. The morning really sets the tone for me, I know this, I've been doing this for a while. Then why is my head playing games with me, going through all the awful things that could happen over and over again making a little ball of worry in the bit of my stomach?
In 2011 my goal is to Be Brave. I think it can mean a lot of different things, and I'm sure my definition of it is going to evolve over the course of the year.
Right now Being Brave, means being honest and owning my story.
I like to think of myself as pretty sneaky. I can hide a lot of things in this little body of mine and convince a lot of people that I'm fine, I'm okay, I don't need to talk about it. But I do, and I have to, and this year I'm taking the time to do that. I realized recently that keeping everything to myself was only hurting me and inhibiting my chance at a healthy, happy life.
I made this little guy for my Husband. Yes, the heart is knitted, stuffed, and sewn to his hands (ouch!).
I'm sort of obsessed with knitted these now, I wonder if I'll ever get anything else done again?
On Thursday I started a new supplement, L Glutamine. Yesterday I felt sick (just regular sick not Crohn's sick, thank God!) and had a low grade fever, today I have a sore through and a runny nose but no fever to speak of. I'm pretty sure this is just a coldish/fluish thing that's been going around and nothing related to the supplement so I'm going to keep using it and see what happens. It took me an awful long time to get sick and I know getting better is going to happen in phases but I get so frustrated whenever I feel funny thinking that I'm going to go into a flare, that something is going to trigger this awfulness again. I've read the research, and 80 - 90% of people with Crohn's do have a relapse this does not take into account any sort of medication or dietary changes they've made and I generally do not trust statistics especially from drug companies, but it what it is. I have a cousin with Crohn's that I believe has tried every sort of medical treatment offered and he's still having major issues, in short, nothing is working for him. He has not tried any sort of dietary adjustments though.
I don't like giving people advice when I'm not asked for it, just like I do not like people giving me advice when it's not warranted. We're stubborn people, my family, and it's just the way it is. I've had other family members say to me, "Why don't you just eat whatever you want and just carry toilet paper", I'm sure that was supposed to be a joke but it really made me angry. Why would I change my diet to the point of alienation at family picnics and functions if it wasn't making a difference in how I was feeling? And for the record I brought things along that I could eat to share with my family, so I was eating at the picnic, not just sitting off in a corner with my arms crossed muttering.
So right now I'm taking Apriso - 4 caplets daily, pro-biotic x 1 daily, vit D drops 4000iu daily, L Glutamine 1/4 tsp daily, Multivitamin x 1 daily, as well as my birth control pill which I'm debating going off. No, I'm not trying to get pregnant but I'm wondering how I'll feel if I don't take it.
I'm feeling positive about my progress so far so we'll see what happens as I continue on this course. Monday is valentine's day and thus we have started the season of candy-gift-giving. I'm not sure what's going to happen around Easter time but I was strong through the Christmas season (so.many.cookies) so I'm sure I'm going to be okay. This year, I'm planning on making myself an Easter basket full of yarn.
I'm so thankful for my knitting especially at this time in my life. I've recently become obsessed with knitting monsters, they are quick, and my kids adore them. This one is for my Eldest child for Valentine's Day. I can hardly wait until Monday to give them their gifts.
My kids were home from school yesterday due to the -20 degree weather. Now I know why school is out in the summer, so you can have your three children go outside to play in the warm weather! I'll admit that they watched way too many movies yesterday (three) and the baby didn't get her afternoon nap. Oh well, it happens.
Today I started using a new supplement, L.Glutamine hopefully it'll do something nice for me. I'm excited about the results others had with it, however, everyone is different so we'll see how it works out.
I feel like all I'm writing about is Crohn's and I've mentioned in other pieces that I don't want it to take over my life, and that is true, and most of the time while I'm engaged in other activities (not blog writing) I don't think about it but now, when I have time to sit and think it bubbles to the surface. I think staying positive is important, to not look at it as a problem but as an opportunity for growth. So far, I know that having this disease has strengthened my relationship and my faith in God. I also can say with confidence that I'm taking much better care of my teeth (flossing every day)! I'm taking my health more seriously than I ever have before in my life because I have to be okay to take care of my children. It's just like they instruct you to do on an airplane, but your oxygen mask on first before helping others around you.
I have to get myself together health-wise first before I can do anything else, it's important, I have to put myself first in this situation. I'm grateful for that realization.
Now that I've posted a ton of recipes that are heavy on the coconut flour I'm going to try to do more things without it. Over the next couple of weeks I'm hoping I can come up with some alternative desserts (and maybe some meals) that don't use any sort of flour at all. I'm not saying it's going to work out, but I'm going to try!
Posting a recipe every day is hard and I've only been doing it for (almost) two weeks. I know I can't keep up this pace because, frankly, I'm running out of recipes that are done. I'm simply not going to post something that I don't know is going to work that would be irresponsible of me and I can't do that.
|Not every recipe I create works out so well.|
One of my goals for this year is to "be brave". This means a lot of things to me as I'm generally very nervous about everything, but especially about being creative and how it is perceived by other people. I like to talk myself out of things, part of it is my depression, part of it is that I've convinced myself that I'm not much good at anything.
Being brave is about taking chances and I took a chance by submitting a piece to Kind Over Matter, and today it is featured. I'm overwhelmed and honored.
|Greta for Baby Girl|
|Penelope for Middle Girlie|
The ice is falling quickly now, it's so very cold outside. We may be losing power in the next couple of hours so if that is the case please know that I did not abandon you! Last time there was an ice storm out here the power was out for two weeks. We're very isolated out here on the mountain and we don't get cell service either so I'll have no way to check email, facebook, blogger, twitter, you know anything.
My nook is charged and I have a lot of yarn (which I may have to burrow into) if it comes to that.
Hopefully, nothing will happen, but like I said before, I'm not ruling anything out. Stay warm.
|just out of the oven|
|slice of yum|