Weekend plans, anxiety

Posted by J on Wednesday, February 16, 2011. Filed under:

I made plans for the weekend. Granted, it's only babysitting, so really I guess it's a huge play date for my three kids and my friend's two kids so she can move but I'm really getting nervous about it.

The drive two hours, who knows how long at the house, then driving home. My husband is going along to help (move her, not watching the kids) so really, it shouldn't be a big deal. I started getting upset about it shortly after I said yes, which is stupid, because I do want to help and with all five of the kids together the "babysitting" will amount to me sitting in the room with them because they will entertain themselves. I'm worried about my Crohn's acting up, of course, but there are bathrooms there and I told my husband which way to drive down to optimize bathroom availability, beyond that, there's nothing more I can do. I've made this trip before, many times, it shouldn't be effecting me like this.

Since I was diagnosed I have pretty much avoided making plans, maybe that's why this is so upsetting to me. Someone is relying on me to do something and I'm afraid that my health issues will get in the way. This is exactly how I want not to live, it simply can not happen. I can't have a productive life if I'm constantly worrying about and at the mercy of my disease, which of course, I am. Here I go again though, looking for trouble. If I feel fine on Saturday morning, most likely, I will feel fine all day. The morning really sets the tone for me, I know this, I've been doing this for a while. Then why is my head playing games with me, going through all the awful things that could happen over and over again making a little ball of worry in the bit of my stomach?

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