Ramble On

For some reason at 7PM I decided it would be a good idea to bake some sugar cookies, something I intend to do every holiday but we just never get around to. I hate making cut-out cookies in general, it's messy, it takes a long time, and after all the baking is done there is the massive sprinkle clean up at the end. Not. Fun.

The project started with just Middle Girlie and I, but Baby Girl can't stand to be left out of anything so she came out to the kitchen as well and promptly made herself in charge of the sprinkles. Middle Girlie wanted to roll out the dough and started to do so but it was hot in the kitchen and the dough was starting to get sticky so I told her I had to do it. Then she wanted to use the cookie cutters to cut out the shapes but then they were sticking so I did that as well. Then she wanted to put the sprinkles on, but her baby sister threw a fit whenever she touched the sprinkle container. I made her (Baby Girl) share with her big sister, but she was not happy. The cookie making went fast, I cheated and bought a store mix and it only made a couple of cookies since these things were so darn huge. They liked the cookies, they ate the cookies (yes right before bed...)

I'm sitting here now thinking back on it crying. I should have just let her roll out the dough, who cares it if stuck to everything. These are the things that she's going to remember when she grows up and I don't want her to have bad memories of spending time with me. Maybe that's selfish ? I have no idea. Holidays, for me, are very stressful they just always have been. I do not want to pass that on to my children so in a way I have to be selfish because I have to stop the behavior in myself. I have no idea how to do that, and it scares the crap out of me.

Another thing that really struck me today was when we had stopped at the grocery store tonight after her ballet class she said she had to go to the bathroom. I asked if she really needed to go (the store's bathroom is not very nice...) she said yes and I said okay let's go! This is what my daughter said to me: "Oh..I thought you were going to be mad at me." She thought I was going to be mad at her for telling me she had to go to the bathroom! What sort of image am I presenting to her? I thought I was pretty even tempered it comes to dealing with my children but maybe I'm not. I'm the first to admit that I get upset about things pretty easily and tend to overreact to things but I thought I wasn't like that with the kids. Maybe I am? How do I find out? How do I fix it? It's not something I have prayed about before, but now I'm going to start.

Just now, as I was writing this all out, I felt a cold sweat come over me as I realized that maybe she thinks that I don't like her. I know that feeling. I know how it feels to not feel good enough and to feel judged all the time. I know how it feels to be craving attention and love and to just not get it. I know how it feels to be crying alone in the dark at 2:30 AM thinking back over the day and everything that could have been different. I don't want her to feel like this. I have to do something about it.