Ramble On

...a knitting machine. I promised my friend last Christmas that I'd knit her and her three kids stocking this year. Well of course I just started them today with NanoWrimo looming in just one week I needed to get started on these. I cast on for this yesterday afternoon, after getting upset cause I couldn't remember how to do it for a good twenty minutes. I finally figured it out (again) I've only knitted this pattern a total of 7 times now. I really wanted to have them done by the end of Nov so she could get them the first week of Dec but I really do not think that's going to happen while I'm trying to pump out 50,000 words in November. It's important to me that I finish Nano, this will be the third year that I'm participating and the two years I've completed it as well, it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile with my time (and degree!) I love having outside imposed deadlines, it makes me more organized. That doesn't make any sense at all but it's true, while I was in college taking 21 credits a semester and raising a baby I felt really organized and on top of things. I really enjoyed it, although looking back on it now I have no idea when I slept, but at the time, it didn't matter.

I got  a whole lot of stuff left to knit and I just need to realize that it's probably not all going done and I'm not going to stress about it. I know I can get the stockings done before xmas, and my MIL's gift, and my son's blanket, other than that I'm not worried about it, at least not right now.

I blogged about this new knitting book I had to have and ordered for one pattern?

Yeah, that one.

Well I knitted that hat and I've actually worn it a few times, which is sort of sad since the hat is wool is it is still October after all. I'm not ready for it to be cold yet.

Anyway here it is on me, and on my 2-year-old. She loves hats.


Love it!

I'm still awake. I started getting tired around 11 and ignored it. Then I started googling things about bed bugs. I will probably be up the rest of the night now. Ugh. Hopefully I can catch a nap during the day, even if I do manage to fall alseep in the next couple of hours I have to get up at 7 to take all my meds. At least it would be a little sleep which is better than nothing.

I try to not spend a  lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I can not dwell on the fact that I have incurable disease. Incurable, that's a terrible word. When I think of it I always think of death but this disease itself will not kill me. It's just going to make my life terribly inconvenient, and that is an understatement.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to be feeling, I have no idea what "normal" is. It's so hard to figure out a way to eat that's safe for me and will feed my family. I'm tired of making two meals for dinner every night since my diet is so limited right now. I feel like all I'm doing is cooking. It's ridiculous, and I don't even know if it's working, it's only been a few months (feels like longer) and I'm still on (my very expensive) medication. I'm so frustrated, angry, and annoyed with the whole thing.

The only solution is that I have to deal with it. I've spent most of my life avoiding this very situation, which is probably why it took so long to find out what was actually wrong with me, but I can't do that anymore. So I've come to this point, this dead end, I'm doing everything I can in my power to feel okay, to feel better. I realize that it took me a long time to get sick and it's going to take a long time to get better.

I have these feelings of peace though, deep in my chest. I know that the Lord will guide carry me through this and that I'm going to be okay. I hate when people do that, what I just did, sort of lay out all the bad stuff and then sew it up neatly at the end with a "but I know the Lord will save me!" and I do believe that, but I also believe that I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be proactive, and I have to trust in my instincts (God given) and do what I feel is right because that's how I feel that the Lord is working and presenting himself in my life.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really sorry for myself I cry, or I write in my paper journal that I keep beside my bed until my hands hurt. I don't think that feeling sad makes me less faithful when I'm in that place I pray more. I have to believe that this is the journey I'm supposed to be on and I'm grateful for a lot of things in my life. I no longer have the freedoms I once did, I'm going to be restricted for the rest of my life due to this disease, but I can not let it control me entirely. It's something I have to deal with, not something I have to succumb to.

I haven't had internet in TWO WEEKS which totally kills my hopes at being accepted into blogHer. Strike 1 for Verizon DSL service. Seriously two weeks. We are so isolated out here I'm thankful this didn't happen during the winter when I would not have been able to leave the house let alone being completely cut off from the outside world.

I'm recovering from the "outage" by completely a list of online tasks that I complied for myself in the past couple of days. I. am. pathetic.

I've been trying a bunch of new recipes, mostly because I too like to have some sweets once in a while.










I used this recpie. I was really super excited that the dough held up enough for me to use my new crust cutters from W&S. Love.

 And here is a butternut squash pie, which I perfer to the apple. My son loved this pie, and thought it was pumpkin. When I told him it was squash (after he was done eating it of course) he was sort of stunned. Recpie is here.



I'm not really into pie but my husband is.

Next up: some sort of cake.

I have a lot of knitting books. I'm trying not to buy any more for the time being, because I have so much gift-knitting to do. I don't want to distract myself.

Of course I saw this hat pattern and I had to have it.

Besides I haven't knitted myself a hat since...well since last year. So I had to make this, and I just happen to have the wool for it.


So I had to order this book.

I finished it this morning while my girls were sleeping. It's currently blocking. I can't wait to wear it.