Ramble On

I try to not spend a  lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I can not dwell on the fact that I have incurable disease. Incurable, that's a terrible word. When I think of it I always think of death but this disease itself will not kill me. It's just going to make my life terribly inconvenient, and that is an understatement.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to be feeling, I have no idea what "normal" is. It's so hard to figure out a way to eat that's safe for me and will feed my family. I'm tired of making two meals for dinner every night since my diet is so limited right now. I feel like all I'm doing is cooking. It's ridiculous, and I don't even know if it's working, it's only been a few months (feels like longer) and I'm still on (my very expensive) medication. I'm so frustrated, angry, and annoyed with the whole thing.

The only solution is that I have to deal with it. I've spent most of my life avoiding this very situation, which is probably why it took so long to find out what was actually wrong with me, but I can't do that anymore. So I've come to this point, this dead end, I'm doing everything I can in my power to feel okay, to feel better. I realize that it took me a long time to get sick and it's going to take a long time to get better.

I have these feelings of peace though, deep in my chest. I know that the Lord will guide carry me through this and that I'm going to be okay. I hate when people do that, what I just did, sort of lay out all the bad stuff and then sew it up neatly at the end with a "but I know the Lord will save me!" and I do believe that, but I also believe that I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be proactive, and I have to trust in my instincts (God given) and do what I feel is right because that's how I feel that the Lord is working and presenting himself in my life.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really sorry for myself I cry, or I write in my paper journal that I keep beside my bed until my hands hurt. I don't think that feeling sad makes me less faithful when I'm in that place I pray more. I have to believe that this is the journey I'm supposed to be on and I'm grateful for a lot of things in my life. I no longer have the freedoms I once did, I'm going to be restricted for the rest of my life due to this disease, but I can not let it control me entirely. It's something I have to deal with, not something I have to succumb to.