Ramble On

Today I have a stomach ache and I feel funny. I don't know if it's because I've been eating a lot lately or the fact that I did not get enough sleep last night. The weather here is cold, and snowy. My little one is taking a nap on the couch, she woke up at 6AM screaming because she could not find her blankie. I took her downstairs and we looked around everywhere, of course the blanket was tucked into the corner of her crib and since she had been down stairs with lights on she was not ready to go back to bed. I put her in bed with us hoping that I could sleep for the 40 minutes before I had to get the kids up for school. She did not. She spent the time wrapping my hair around her fist and saying "Hi Mommy". She's a doll, but I'm tired.

I guess I could try to take a nap but doing that always throws me off so I'll just hope to get to bed earlier tonight. For now I'm going to watch my DVR'd episode of Parenthood from last night.

but I can’t seem to slow down long enough to type things out. It’s here one second and gone the next. The past couple of days I’ve felt good so I’ve been keeping myself very busy because as I’ve learned very quickly when dealing with an autoimmune disease, you never know how long “feeling good” will last.

I also got a nook, which has been awesome and in the short time that I’ve had it I’ve read several books via borrowing from the public library. I haven’t bought a thing yet and I couldn’t be happier. I have to admit that I usually never reread a book so I’m glad I chose an e-reader that can support the epub document format. I think that’s all I have to say about that, about the e-reader at least.

This week I finished Ape House and I am Number Four. They were both good, I really enjoyed Sara Gruen's Water for Elephants, and unfortunately, Ape House wasn't as good. I am interested in reading her other novel, Riding Lessons, but it's not available via e-loan yet so I'll be waiting.

I am Number Four is a differnt story, first of all I was thrown by the 1st person point of view and I didn't really feel like it hooked me until about page 100 (out of 277 pages). Thinking about it now it's probably because it was written from the point of view of a 15-year-old boy, not a head space I'm familiar with. I am glad I finished it though, it was a good "opening" for the series, which is also about to be a movie.

I just borrowed the first book in the Outlander series, I've been hearing good things about it so we'll see how it goes! 

I don’t like making these mostly because if it’s something really important to me I should just want to do it anyway not because I’m self-imposing crap on to myself, with no real consequences, in the spirit of celebrating a new year. So these aren’t resolutions per say. This is stuff I’m doing, stuff I’m trying to do, and stuff I hope to make a habit of.

Things I’ve started to do recently:

1. Floss consistently, ever single day. Oh Lord the stories I’ve read about people with Crohn’s and their nasty teeth.
2. Pray at least once a day. I pray a lot through out the day but especially at night, this really helps me get to sleep.

Things I need to start doing:

1. Spend less time online. I’m connected all the time now. I’ve got an Ipod that I pretty much carry around with me all day (use it for alarms) that I can check facebook and email on, which I do way too much. I will allow myself the ipod, however, I am on my laptop way to much. Most of the time I’m sitting on my laptop, with my ipod beside me, and the TV is on. What the heck?!
2. Knit the yarn I’ve already bought instead of just buying more ‘cause it’s pretty. That’s self explanatory I think.
3. Be more willing to screw up aka take chances. With my knitting, with my writing. I need to just do it. I’m wasting too much time.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. No pain! Things were going on per usual until I got a phone call around 1 PM from a nurse working for my insurance company. Apparently they are now providing phone support for people with chronic conditions. Then it hit me, shit,  I have a chronic condition.

I sort of had forgotten about it this morning but talking to her got me really upset. It was was her tone of voice, she was nice, of course, but it was the tone that made it apparent that she was very very sorry for me which made me feel horrible. I hung up the phone and just cried. I’m not sure I even know how to articulate this. It seems like people just know all the bad stuff that can happen with the disease, they don’t want to talk about self care during times of relative good health, it’s like we’re always preparing for the next flare. I know the tone of voice was because she knew just what could happen to me and how bad it could get. Like it was a matter of when and not if it was going to happen and that scares the hell out of me. I know how bad this can get and I’m determined to do everything in my power to not let it happen. That doesn’t mean that it won’t and maybe I’m just buying myself some time (or maybe I’m not at all and my next flare is just around the corner).  Just once I want someone in the medical field to say, “you know, you’re going to alright”.

I woke up this morning in a lot of pain. My husband had turned off the heat in our bedroom while he was doing a workout (P90X) and never turned it back on. I didn’t check before I went to bed and here I am this morning, wearing three layers and a blanket. I might put a hat on as well. I just can’t get warm. I feel like getting too cold causes my body curl around my tender right side so this morning my entire body is feels cramped and tired. It’s not a good feeling.

It’s days like these when I want to just eat a cookie and say forget it to my diet. I’m obviously not going to do that, the Christmas cookies are nearly all gone, I’m so close to having all this temptation gone and I know it’s not worth it. I’ve been on this diet since August, I’m going to to give up now? One bad day can’t be end of it, what does that say about me then?

I need a transition here, how about, on to less depressing things? Does that work? Does anyone read this?

I’m thinking about getting a Nook since you can load PDF patterns on it and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than the IPad with 3G. I almost choked when I realized they were almost 1k. I’m not sure though, I don’t like making large electronic purchases it makes me nervous so I like to think about it for a long time. Since I am apparently massive allergic to dust an books are “the worst thing” to have around I’m thinking switching to an e-reader would probably be good, you know, for books I don’t have yet. I’m not getting rid of my books, I’m not ready to do that and you all know that I have a lot of them. I have an English degree, that’s what I did for four years of my life. I can’t not have books, digital ones are just not the same to me. It makes me sad but books take up a lot of room, and they are hard to move due to the sheer weight of the boxes. It seems like in the future we’re going to be moving around a lot and it was be easier, if they books were all in one place and having them be digital also reduces the risk of loosing them since even if the e-reader is damaged they are still retained electronically somewhere. See how I’m talking myself into this?

I’m knitting myself a bright orange shawl. I feel like it will never get done, and frankly, I’m not sure I care. It’s relaxing to knit it. The pattern is very simple, the yarn is tiny.

PS I’m on Ravelry as Skiphop

Writing this entry from Microsoft live writer. We’ll see how this goes. I’m not really sure how to work it.

Back after a much needed blogging break. Christmas has been packed up, new years has passed and my family is gearing up for some big changes this year. I'm praying that we can meet them head on and with grace. I'm nervous and excitied at the same time. Trying to keep things in persective too, since we all know things change change so fast. Lord see us through this!