Ramble On

I signed in just now and got all excited that I had a follower, until i realized it was me. Yes I'm following my own blog. 1) I don't really know how it works and 2) I like to see what other people so so that little feed on the bottom of my dashboard I get to see my own post.

*ahem*

That is just a wee bit pathetic, I'll give you that but in a way I also find it hilarious.

I've been having trouble sleeping (shock) I've been trying to get into the habit of going to bed a certain time but it never works out and i always end up laying int he dark thinking of a million things that I could be doing. I don't think it helps that I have a laptop either or an i pod because I can get on them and do things at my leisure thus impeding my sleepy-time. It's a no win situation.

I keep thinking about my novel those 200 hundred pages that are floating here on my hard drive I haven't even printed them out yet or combined them into one actual word document. I don't know what is stopping me from just starting but something is making me hesitate. I keep thinking of excuses...Oh I can't start now I might be coming down with the flu the kid brought home...yes excuses like that, horrid ones. I have to just start even if it turns out to be crap I need to do it because I need to finish something, all this nonsense about having "free time" and "no deadlines" is awful and I can not get anything done if I don't put it on a list or have some accountability for it. If I wouldn't have my kids home all day with me I probably wouldn't take meals but since I have to feed them I eat as well it's things like that. They need me so I function I shudder to think what I would be if it weren't for them and that scares me because what am I to do when they leave? I don't even mean in twenty or so years when they are adults but what happens when they go to school? Do I get a job? Do I stay home? What do I do all day while they stay home? I'm nearly 5 years from this reality but it's coming and I feel like it's coming super fast.

I need to find something to do with my life.