Ramble On

I've been dreading writing this post, I keep starting it then stopping, delting what I have and writing it again or just stepping away from it completely.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being selfish being a SAHM. There is a daycare here that wouldn't break the bank (450 a month per kid) that wouldn't cost my entire imaginary salary to have all the kids in care full time over the summer. Littlest would have to be in full time year 'round and middle girlie goes to school this fall so that would take care of her, eldest will be starting 4th grade so he's covered as well.

My husband is not happy with his job, he's not getting a raise/promotion/whatever that he was pretty much promised (of course not in writing and you know how that goes) and is frustrated. We won't be able to buy a house this year unless we can put down a huge down payment which we can't right now on one income and I know that my working would help that part at least. There is no way we could buy a house this year especially before the tax incentive goes away, but I know that if I worked next year could be a possibility.

I just don't want to do it. I don't want to bank my kids while I go work at a job I don't really want to do. Hubby told me today that we should see what happens with my book, which makes me feel worse while I do think that my story is good and I do think it could get published (someday) I don't know if that will be any time soon and I don't know how fast I can even get it done I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I know that I'm not the only woman struggling with this but don't know anyone to actually talk to about it. Most of the people I associate with are SAHMs (surprise) or work part time and still are the primary care for their children. The job that hubby is thinking about for me (which would become available in May) is far from their school and would mean before and after school care, the baby would have to be there from 6AM - 5PM and I think I would cry if I had to drop her off for that long. It makes me sick just thinking about it. She's so little and she's allergic to things and I don't want anyone else taking care of my baby girl. It's selfish I know but damn it these are MY kids and I would rather live in a box then have some else raise them the majority of the day especially since I have the option to do so.

I realize that I'm lucky that I even have these options. I am blessed to have a husband who is very encouraging of my interests and aspirations but my time is growing short. I need to do something to contribute to the financial well-being of our family. I just do not know what to do.

By the time Littlest starts school (4 1/2 years from now) hubs will be out of grad school and hopefully in a better paying position and you'd think in that long I would have had something published* (other than this blog) if I actually, you know, try (which has been the main issue thus far in this publishing journey, not going to get anything published is I'm 1) not writing or 2) not submitting anything).

It's just a lot right now. A lot to think about and a lot to do.

*not saying I'm planning on having a book or anything like that published in four years, but something would be a nice, a short story or a poem or something anything that might pay me a bit.