Ramble On

Today I missed a party that I had been planning on going to for months. Ironically enough it was a friend's baby shower (I'll get to the ironic part in a minute). The trip would have taken me 5 hours to make and I was more than willing to make it.

Then my baby got sick. She was fitful, coughing, through out the night and I got little to no sleep. My husband had to get up and go into work (odd for him but he had to none-the-less) at 4:30 in the morning so I was on the night shift. I was in no shape to drive and when hubs got home from work I went back to bed...until noon.

I pitted myself. This always happens. I'm the mama so I have to deal with this stuff and I have to miss out on things. Blah blah blah.

Later on the older kids went to bed and I gave my daughter a bath and she did not cough the entire time she was in the tub. As I dried her off she talked to herself in the mirror "Hi! Hi!" and waved at her reflection. Then we sat on the couch together and I watched Paul Blart Mall Cop and she enjoyed the soundtrack. She was smiling the whole time even as her eyes began to get heavy and she held on to her blanket leaning her head against my neck. I may have missed that party but if the only thing that I'm destined to do in this world is to be their mom then I'm okay with that.

Not many of my close friends from high school have kids. In fact out of our little "group" (which consists of four people) I am the only one with kids (so far, the baby shower lady is one of the four and she's due in May). I don't know if it's true for everyone but I'm going to assume that it is, after you have a baby something so strange happens, a primal bonding of spirits and when they are sick or hurting a piece of you breaks. I don't think even if given the opportunity I would have slept last night. It was like I was right back to when she was three days old and I was monitoring her breathing.

How do you even explain this stuff to people who don't have children? I can say whatever I want but until someone has a child they just don't get how emotionally intense this whole experience is compounded further with each child that comes. So I had to tell my friend that I couldn't come, that I was too tired to drive. I just left it at that because my real message should have been this: my daughter was sick and I was heartbroken so I had to stay up all night to make sure she was breathing properly therefore I can't come to your baby party. I don't want people to think I'm insane, but that's the truth of it. I rarely, very very rarely, go out anywhere with out my children. Hubby and I have a "date night" about every six months. Is it hard to not really have a social life(aside from face book and occasionally email), yes. Sometimes it makes me cranky but all in all I chose this life and I love being a mama to my children. Sometimes people ask me what I would be doing if I didn't have kids and I can not answer them I can't even fathom my life with out these people in it. I remember before them, and I was floundering. I don't wan to say that they've given me a purpose in life because I don't believe that I should be putting that sort of pressure on them but at least they've shown me something that I can be good at and that's super important to me. My kids are nice, they are usually polite, they love to dance, do art projects, and they're nice to animals. As much as I think I've failed as a person I look at them and realize that maybe I'm not all bad.