Ramble On

I keep finding myself googling how to pray for certain things. I need to stop and realize that it's in me already as long as the prayer is sincere it doesn't matter how it's phrased. I don't think God really cares if my grammar is perfect or if I'm using the right sort of fancy language. I'm not perfect.

I've been writing a lot, no not working on my novel. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I can deal with that again. The work load got overwhelming to me and I just couldn't even look or deal with it. It's a good excuse, I guess, but now it is time to push forward. The bones are there it just needs filled out. I'm going to quit worrying about which market it would fit into or even if people will read it, none of that matters if it's not actually done. So now I just gotta go do.

When I do this (procrastinate) I often think about back in college when I was taking 21 credits a semester, all lit and creative writing courses. I had to write at least one critical paper a week, as well as a short story, and a poem all for different classes and somehow I always showed up to class with my work done. I have to believe it was an accountability issue, I just do not have accountability now and I think that's my problem. Back in November during NanoWriMo I felt motivated, I would post word count updates nearly every night and annoyed the heck out of my facebook friends with them. Now? Who cares if I work on my novel or write a poem? I rarely allow anyone to read my work even when it's entirely finished (that's another problem I need to work on) I'm way too shy about it and fear personal judgement on the basis of something I've written even if it's a work of fiction. I have a lot of issues.

You know when I started college I was not an English major. I started college as a mass communications major thinking that maybe that would get me into a job that paid okay. I hated it. I switched to Psychology, then to Anthropology, and finally just after taking a creative writing class (gen ed requirement) realized that I really did want to be an English major, which was my first instinct anyway when I was filling out my early admissions application for BU. After I switched my major to English, college was easy. I was getting straight As, I was going to class, I had a baby and only went to class two days a week but still managed to get everything done and done well. I loved everything about my classes my last two years of college (cause they were ALL English courses). It's about the only thing I'm good at. I want to feel that way again so I finally admitted to myself, and my husband, that at some point I'd really like to go back to school for an MFA. He said, "so go ahead". Nice.

I do not want to attempt to raise my kids with both of their parents in grad school at the same time, but sometime after Hubby is done with school and the finical aspect isn't so daunting, I'd really like to pursue this even if It's just to get myself some motivation to actually produce. I don't think I want to teach, but I want to be a better writer, and maybe actually want to refer to myself as that someday. You know, "Hi I'm Joslyn, not only do I have all these kids I'm also a writer".

Yeah. That'd be nice.