Ramble On

As I was washing dishes this morning I got to thinking about how I thought my life was going to be like when I was *this age*, it's nothing like I imagined. I thought by 28 I'd have a career, probably would have been to grad school or at least starting it. My own house, a newer car. Instead I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I have an incurable illness so the issue of actual employment in the traditional sense is sort of up in the air at this time. We do not own a home and it's very unlikely we will in the foreseeable future. I drive a 12 year old vehicle that I now refer to as my "hoopty car". Grad school won't happen until my children are older and I can find a program that not only offers financial aid but also is completely online/distance ed due to my unpredictable illness. I'm okay with all of this, and this surprised me, because despite the fact that I don't have all the stuff I thought I should have at this age, I have a lot more than I ever expected.

I have three wonderful children and a good marriage. We've been married for nearly 7 years so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say that I have a "good marriage" yet, how many years until we qualify? He still gives me butterflies every time I see him. He is a good friend, a great father, and is a complete and total nerd, like me, we get each other. That's so important. I always joke that he's the "good Catholic boy", which is true he went to a Catholic school, he was an alterboy even when he was in the Air Force he attened mass on Sundays during basic training and served, now granted he later told me that was to get a few hours off from getting yelled at, but still. I'm not sure what they put in the water in the town where he grew up but there are some very good men coming from that area, a very good friend of mine is now engaged to my husband's friend. Yes, we did introduce them. They actually were coupled up at our wedding as a bridesmaid and groomsmen. I don't like taking credit for "hooking people up" just in case it doesn't work, I don't want to get kicked, but I have a good feeling about those two. 

For years I thought that if I admitted that something was good in my life, it would immediately be taken away. Even now if I want something really badly instead of going after it I try to convince myself that I don't really want or need it. I convince myself I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy of it. I'm trying to change that, and I'm praying about it. I'm choosing to pray about it because I just don't know what else I should do and as silly as it sounds I'm often finding myself quoting Abe Lincoln through out the day, "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go", in my head of course, I have not yet taken to muttering to myself. Yet.

I thank God for my children, and my husband, my ability to knit (I can't get over that I can use some sticks  and some string to create things) because it has given a lot of calm these past years, and I'm praying for guidance, and the strength to just get over myself and my self imposed limitations and just let go. 

I keep finding myself googling how to pray for certain things. I need to stop and realize that it's in me already as long as the prayer is sincere it doesn't matter how it's phrased. I don't think God really cares if my grammar is perfect or if I'm using the right sort of fancy language. I'm not perfect.

I've been writing a lot, no not working on my novel. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I can deal with that again. The work load got overwhelming to me and I just couldn't even look or deal with it. It's a good excuse, I guess, but now it is time to push forward. The bones are there it just needs filled out. I'm going to quit worrying about which market it would fit into or even if people will read it, none of that matters if it's not actually done. So now I just gotta go do.

When I do this (procrastinate) I often think about back in college when I was taking 21 credits a semester, all lit and creative writing courses. I had to write at least one critical paper a week, as well as a short story, and a poem all for different classes and somehow I always showed up to class with my work done. I have to believe it was an accountability issue, I just do not have accountability now and I think that's my problem. Back in November during NanoWriMo I felt motivated, I would post word count updates nearly every night and annoyed the heck out of my facebook friends with them. Now? Who cares if I work on my novel or write a poem? I rarely allow anyone to read my work even when it's entirely finished (that's another problem I need to work on) I'm way too shy about it and fear personal judgement on the basis of something I've written even if it's a work of fiction. I have a lot of issues.

You know when I started college I was not an English major. I started college as a mass communications major thinking that maybe that would get me into a job that paid okay. I hated it. I switched to Psychology, then to Anthropology, and finally just after taking a creative writing class (gen ed requirement) realized that I really did want to be an English major, which was my first instinct anyway when I was filling out my early admissions application for BU. After I switched my major to English, college was easy. I was getting straight As, I was going to class, I had a baby and only went to class two days a week but still managed to get everything done and done well. I loved everything about my classes my last two years of college (cause they were ALL English courses). It's about the only thing I'm good at. I want to feel that way again so I finally admitted to myself, and my husband, that at some point I'd really like to go back to school for an MFA. He said, "so go ahead". Nice.

I do not want to attempt to raise my kids with both of their parents in grad school at the same time, but sometime after Hubby is done with school and the finical aspect isn't so daunting, I'd really like to pursue this even if It's just to get myself some motivation to actually produce. I don't think I want to teach, but I want to be a better writer, and maybe actually want to refer to myself as that someday. You know, "Hi I'm Joslyn, not only do I have all these kids I'm also a writer".

Yeah. That'd be nice.

Is this is all I'm supposed to be doing this life? Doing laundry for seven people? Is this all my life is going to amount to?

I always end up crying on the days that I have to do more than four loads.

Tomorrow my mom goes in for surgery to remove the skin cancer. I'm praying that this takes care of it and that cancer has not spread.

My mom is a very private person, she does not want me talking about this online. I've decided that I don't care though, she needs the prayers, and I need the support. So here it is out there. She's sick and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The cancer is just another thing that has nothing to do with what else is wrong with her, I just pray for answers, for some sort of resolution, so she can start getting some treatment.

I'm having another one of those days trying to stay positive but it's hard, it's so so hard to try to do that.

I got sick and spent the entire day in bed yesterday, today I lazied around, did three loads of wash, and vacuumed hubby took care of dinner for the kids.

My mom got sick too. My father has not gotten the bug yet but I'm sure he'll be the next to go down although he's due to travel tomorrow for work. We'll see how that is going to go.

Hubby is wanting me to watch Battlestar Galacticia with me but I just can't get into it. Give my Star Trek TNG or Firefly but I don't know about this Galactica stuff.

Still feeling like crap hopefully I'm not coming down with something again right on the back of this one no way of knowing. I feel awful just awful and I'm sure that is not helping my melancholy..more money worries. I just feel like we're never going to have enough to do anything I want to be able to provide for our children fully and completely but right now we just can't. It shames me to admit this in "public" but I feel like I have to like God is calling me to do it to basically admit it to myself before things can change. Hubby is due for a raise, will he get it? I don't know we've been waiting and I've been praying on it and I just don't know if it's going to happen. I don't know where God is leading us right now and it scares me. I am not used to feeling like this most of the time I feel confident and secure in the fact that God has a plan for our family I'm afraid of what is coming in the next few months regardless of the raise/work issues I'm afraid more so of health issues.

This swine flu crap has me twisting in a bad way. I'm so afraid of it and more afraid of getting my kids the vaccs for it. I know that it's available and our pediatrician is sort of ambivalent about it and I've been praying about it but just haven't gotten a clear answer to my question so I've chosen to do nothing at this point. Maybe that's stupid but that's what I've chosen to do right now.

My mom has been ill (she'll kill me if she knows I've put that out there) but I can't just do this by myself. I need to talk to someone about everything that is going on and I can't find someone to do that so you're (whoever is reading) are going to have to do. I know that she's going to have some test results coming soon that could rock things around here and I'm bracing myself for it, though I don't know if I can really prepare fully.

I'm afraid and praying for strength, trying to be still and listen.

I'm in bed wearing my flannel pjs and socks covered by a flannel sheet, down comforter, and a quilt freezing.

I should go to sleep but I'm just not ready yet something is keeping my awake I'm excited and a little jumpy. I feel like I need to do something not litterally something right now but something with my life. I realized a few days ago that I'm almost 30. Really, almost 30. I almost fell over.

I feel a deep and burning shame about my life right now, our living situation, the way I manage our money, how I parent my children. I need to change things, I need to change several things. I'm taking full responsibility here because it is mine to bear. I put it to God this afternoon to help me to show me what I need to do because I can't keep living this way anymore and I feel like he's answering me. I feel God working in my life in a big way and I'm excited about it, giddy, almost is the word I would use to describe it.

I haven't been posting here, more over on my private LJ some things I just can not put into words. I will say this though: things have been hard.

I'm praying and I know God will lead me through this.

I have to quote Marla's post from today God answers every prayer one of three ways–yes, no, or wait.

Thank you, Marla, for that.

We got a phone call last night that there's been a reported case of Swine Flu at Oldest's school. I thought we had already had the flu, actually, Middle Girlie is still coughing and Littlest is coughing as well, I was sick as well a few weeks ago as well. Now -of course- I'm freaking out about us getting sick again. I'm praying that God will let me know if I should get the kids swine-flu shots or not. They got the regular flu vaccine already but I'm really uncomfortable about the swine flu vacc at this point. I feel like it was push out too fast and hasn't been tested in the long-term (obviously). My kids aren't "high risk" but they are still kids especially Middle Girlie and Littlest (age 4 and 1 respectively). I'm praying about it.

I'm getting my stitches out today in about an hour and I suppose I should go get ready.