Ramble On

I spent most of the day huddled up inside avoiding the cold rain and cuddling with my 3 year old who just asked me, "Mommy is tomorrow going to be spring? I really miss my bike."

Be still my heart.

We've decided to look into a charter school for the older kids and I'm a little conflicted about it. I really like the kids that my kids go to school with, I like that fact that the school(s) are 10 and 15 minutes away from the house, we've also had good experiences with most of the teachers in our district, however the curriculum leaves a lot to be desired for my academically gifted Eldest child and it's not their fault at all. The state has been cutting funding for the schools for years now and, quite frankly, there is not a demand for gifted education in the district if there are only a few kids that really need it. My son has already skipped a grade and is accelerated up to the next grade in math but other than that there is not much more that the district can offer him and this charter school that we're looking in to seems to be able to provided all of that and smaller class sizes, also, it's free.

I don't really like to talk about my gifted kid because people like to roll their eyes and make comments to the effect that I'm bragging about him but in reality raising a gifted child is a struggle, just like raising any other child who is different from the norm only people don't really care to talk about the gifted kids. At least your kid is smart they say, at least they can get through school, and yes that's true and I'm grateful but it's also a challenge but the support is lacking and it's hard to do this on your own with no real guidance (save for the internet my husband and I would feel completely alone).

So that's what we've been up to for now and of course, knitting, which never stops in this house.

Once again I'm blogging from the toliet, yes I have pants on. I'm just sitting here while I have a kid in the tub this is really the only time I get to write. Since she's turned 3 Miss Lady has not let me out of her site. She will completely ignore me while I'm in a room with her but as soon as I leave said room, she starts screaming for me.

It's been a long couple of weeks.

My sister-in-law was due to have her baby last Friday, she is however, still pregnant. I can't wait for this little guy to arrive! I'm finally going to be an Aunt! I'm not really sure how significant that actually is but I am super excited for it!

Been knitting, a lot, so much that my hands are being to chap and crack. It's painful I hate this time of year when the heat starts coming on 1) because it's expensive and 2) because it dries me out. Oy. I also have patches of dry skin under my eyes. I guess I've suddenly become allergic to my face wash (cold cream) so I switched to just plain old Dove soap and it seems to be clearing up. At one point the skin was cracked and bleeding, I looked a little like a zombie.

Oh and I cut my hair!

My son has officially been diagnosed with Vitiligo, as I mentioned previously, I expected this but it hit me harder than I anticipated. For the past two days I pretty much moped around and felt sorry for him, for me, and for our family.

Vitiligo (vit-ih-LI-go) is a condition in which your skin loses melanin, the pigment that determines the color of your skin, hair and eyes. Vitiligo occurs when the cells that produce melanin die or no longer form melanin, causing slowly enlarging white patches of irregular shapes to appear on your skin.

I know. I know that it could be worse. I know that having this condition is not the end of the world and there are (some) treatments that could work for him. I think it's important to take the time to grieve when these like this happen. It's okay to feel bad, but it's important to stop too.

Today I'm feeling better about the situation and I'm going to support my son in whatever he decides to do in terms of treating his illness. Granted, he's only 9 years old, but I don't feel comfortable about making decisions related to his condition with out talking to him and letting him decide ultimately what is best for him. It's his skin, there are spots on his face. It's not something he can just cover up with clothing.

my youngest daughter putting flowers on the grave of my Great Uncle

Last week we drove out to the cemeteries to decorate the graves of my grandparent's families. It was the first year we were invited to do this because usually, Grandma makes it a point to do it herself.

Grandma's health hasn't been the greastest. She's 93 years old, there's nothing medically wrong with her (as in a diagnoisis or anything) she's just old, and things are wearing out. She still made sure that the flowers were bought, and that someone was going to go decorate the graves. Since my mother is disabled and does not drive she asked me if I would mind running her, I asked if it was okay if I took the kids along. She said yes. I think these sort of things are important.

While we were there my older two starting asking questions. My eldest (the math wizard) started telling us at what age people passed as we walked through the stones. I showed him the grave of my second-cousin, whom he was named after and passed away when he was just five years old, that gave him pause. We talked about death, and heaven, and why we come to places like these to decorate and up the keep the graves. They were quiet, and respectful and when we left they thanked me for letting them come along.

It shocked me and I was proud of them for understanding. 

We don't go to church, this is something we want to change but I'm still working through some issues with the idea of it and my husband wants us to go to a Catholic church but hasn't really made an effort to actually go. So we're sort of stuck in limbo. My kids know about God, as much as I've told them and they watch Veggie Tales but that's as far as it's gone. I feel stuck, and I need to pray about it.

As I'm writing this I'm hearing screaming from the living room, my husband's voice asking "What did you take from her? Why is she screaming like that?" it's our two year old, the drama has been intense here now that big brother and sister have been home more, it's hot, and the sun is staying out longer. This house is no longer run by Miss 2-year-old all week day long. Summer vacation is going to be a huge adjustment for all of us.

I'm demanding time for myself, mostly to finish my knitting sample (deadline is in sight, I'm nervous about finishing) but also to blog, as I have been not doing much of it lately. I can blame it on a lot of things, but it's just me, chosing not to. I've been outside spending time with my kids and my husband, I'm actually trying to have conversations with my father and work on that relationship as well. In other words, I've been focusing on my "real life". However, there has to balance and I do enjoy having my blog and reading other blogs (oh I haven't done that in forever it seems like) so I'm taking two hours every other night to knit, blog, and read. It's not much time but it's what I'm willing to give it right now. I'm going to mostly blame the weather for that one, it's been so cold and awful here on the mountain and all of the sudden it's thunderstorm season! We lose power during every storm so there's that but when it's sunny and warm I crave outside, it's been dark so long.

My father got in to Graduate school. He's much calmer now and easier to talk to, it seems like we're more on a level playing field or some such thing. I'm not even sure if that makes any sense but that's how it's feeling. My husband is also in grad school so they've been getting along better as well. I, myself, am enrolled in grad school (meaning I got in) but I'm not actually taking any classes yet and I don't know if I will at all. At least not any time before my husband graduates (4 more classes, it'll take him 2 years) there is absolutely no way we could deal with everyday life if we were both in school right now. Anyway, it looks like my dad will be riding to school with my husband since hubby works at the university. Sort of full circle I guess since when I was in undergrad my father quit his job to go to school, he was a freshman when I was a senior and we rode to school together as well.

So that was a big brain dump but I feel like I had to get it out. Blargh, so there.

...actually that's not true, I've cut down on my dryer use. I still use it to dry towels and sheets but everything else is getting hung to dry. Due to my (many) allergies I can't hang things outside so I've been using the basement. It's been working out okay, but since the furnace isn't running things are taking a pretty long time to dry. I'm talking a couple of days for my 6-year-old's more fluffy skirts it's not really that big of a deal since she's got way too many clothes.

It's actually taking my a lot less time to put the laundry away though. I hang everything up on hangers that needs to go in the closets so I just take them up to where they need to go and bam! The worst thing for me hoping to catch the dryer on time to make sure the clothes didn't get wrinkled, hauling all the crap up from the basement and attempting to fold the mess with my two-year-old tried to help (really she just wanted the basket empty so she could play in it).

I tend to do a load of laundry a day just to keep up with it. Since I'm still using the dryer to do towels and sheets,  I'm only using it twice a week now! I'm hoping to see my efforts reflected in our electric bill but even if it's not, I think our clothes will last a lot longer. I know my husband is pleased because up until now I've pretty much shrunk everything he owned by putting in the dryer. It's not my fault that he's got freakishly long arms*!


Will report back on how this is going in the long run, I've only been doing it for a couple of weeks now.

*Hubby is 6'4" but his wing span is 6'8"

As of tomorrow I will have been on my new antidepressant for one week. Today is the first day I actually feel awake, this past week I felt like a zombie! I was fine as long as I was up and doing something but the moment I sat down on the couch I was nodding off like my grandma does. I love my grandma, but I don't want to adopt that particular habit of hers at this point. Today is the older kids first day back at school so it's just me and my 2-year-old. We'll see how the rest of the day goes, maybe if I'm feeling really out of it I could get her to take a nap, hopefully!

I feel a lot calmer, I know it probably has nothing to do with the medication because I was told that it takes 3-4 weeks for anything to happen but the calm I'm feeling has been good. I haven't yelled at the kids and since they've all been home together for the past four days there has been a couple good fights, especially since the weather has been bad and we've all be cooped up in the house. They've got like a month of school left, well more like six weeks. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them this summer to keep them occupied and out of each other's hair. It's going to be interesting to say the least.

I am now offically back on antidepressents, and honestly, i'm really happy about it. I've been freaking out  over dumb stuff. I found myself sitting here on Sunday getting really worked up about Christmas. Not in a "oh we should start saving" way I was getting really upset and trying to figure out things I could sell so I could buy my kids gifts. Um. What made me think I wouldn't be able to buy my children gifts? No idea. I always managed to in the past and I'm sure this year, once again, we'd magnage but why the sudden freak out? Not to meniton that I've been crying, a lot, about everything and nothing.

I'm an emotional person, I've always been an easy crier but it's never been at this level. I'll be having a phone conversation and just start tearing up.  There's more, isn't there always? I'm tired tough, of talking about it and obsessing about it. The bottom line is that I was having reactions to situations that I felt were irrational and I've been dealing with my depression long enough to know and realize when I need to go get help before it gets any worse.

In my mind I don't plan on being on the meds long-term, the doctors aren't thinking I'm going to either. We're currently look at 9-12 months and then weaning off, but we'll see where we're at when that happens. Right now, I need to be present for my kids and not a weepy heap.

My daughter's birthday is on Saturday, Easter is on Sunday this is a time of the year to make positive memories not things like "remember when I turned 6, and mom flipped out?". I'd rather not be involved in that. Thanks.

My laptop is broken, or defective I suppose. A bit of it got recalled so I have to ship it back to Sony to get it fixed which, apparently, is going to take a while. I'm borrowing my husband's MacBook Pro for a few moments at a time and I'm not completely comfortable using it yet but I did manage  to get on the internet although the whole one-button-mouse thing is completely throwing me off.

In addition to my laptop issues my 2-year-old came down with what my oldest had approx a week ago yesterday a 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a long night. She's in a much better mood today and I'm tired but happy that so far, no one has thrown up today.  Still waiting on the rest of us to get it, and drinking as much water as I possibly can. No idea if that will help but I tend to dehydrate very quickly so I'm taking very precaution. 

I have not gotten much done in the past couple of days that I would have liked, but really, who cares. I'm so thankful that I'm able to take care of my children even if that means cleaning up vomit (really tired of cleaning up vomit), but I did it, cause I'm mom and that's what we do.

Today my son no sooner got to school when the nurse called me to come pick him up. I hate when my kids are sick, but because of his illness I started thinking about comfort foods. In my past life when I got sick I would turn to mashed potatoes, and hot buttered noodles with salt and pepper. Now, I can not eat any of those things. I think that maybe a butternut squash or cauliflower puree, souffle bread for sure, the noodles? there is really no replacement for those as much as I try, I just got nothing.

After my second pregnancy I started getting sick. Looking back on it, maybe part of the reason I always got sick and stayed sick for so long was because of the food. Of course initally the virus would throw me through a loop but it would drag on for a weeks at a time and probably because of all the high starch crappy foods I was putting in my body.

I'm prepared as I can be for what may be to come. I have coconut water (re-hydration), souffle bread, chicken soup, peppermint tea, and a butternut squash hanging out on my counter. 


And by the way, he is feeling much better now. 

Baby Girl's birthday is in a month. I have no idea what to get her. What do 2-year-olds like?

I was thinking about getting her one of these things



which she would either LOVE or be terrified of. So I'm thinking that maybe if I can find one at a store she could check out in person and see how it goes. I don't want to spring it on her on her actual birthday.

Here's another option



cause we're pushing the potty training. However, she doesn't really watch Elmo. She likes Elmo (stuffed toys) but I'm not sure if she'd 1) watch it or 2) care.

I think the main problem I'm having is that she's just got so much stuff! She's gotten all the hand-me-downs from her two older siblings. We've probably got at least one of everything fisher price has ever manufactured. On top of that, my three kids are the only grandchildren on both sides of the family.

I've been completely sidetracked by my diagnosis. It's been all I've been thinking about (and writing about) for weeks now. It's completely consumed my life. Every quiet moment that I have I'm analyzing every ache or twinge I have. I'm keeping a food journal as well which is making me think about food all the time, especially foods I can no longer eat (I really want some cake).

And I guess this is normal, and I guess it's okay, for now, but I can't keep doing this. Things are starting to happen, school is going back into session a couple of weeks. I have two school-aged kids who are involved in activities and part of this stay-at-home-mom deal is that I have to drive them every where and I have to figure out a way to do that. I need to work around or with this illness cause I just can't stop being a mom.

I have to admit, I'm scared out of my mind about what could happen to me through the course of this disease but I can not let myself get caught up into thinking about it all the time. I need to be aware and proactive of my health but at the same time, if it happens to me, then I'll have to just simply go through it just like everything else.

There are only a couple weeks left before school starts. This year I will have a 4th grader and one in kinder. I have no idea what the baby and I are going to do all day with out them (except for some lovely uninterrupted afternoon nap time, although the baby has not had a nap in two days now...). I'm sure we'll figure something out it will just take some getting used to.

And then there's the whole parent volunteering situation. I'm going to Middle Girlie's Kinder teacher that I can volunteer to send thing in (like chips or cookies, candy, decorations) but I can't make firm time commitments to actually physically be at the school. This Crohn's is way too unpredictable especially right now since I'm still trying to get my meds straight.

I'm worried about sitting through ballet classes too and the fact that when they start I'll still be on a high dose of steroids and in very (very, the parent waiting room is tiny) close proximity to a lot of people and children. Must remember to use the hand sanitizer at all times. Less worried about soccer, since that's outside, air circulation is a good thing.