Ramble On

I keep trying to write this but nothing is making too much sense. A couple of days before my birthday I went to the ER. I was having pain in my lower right side, and assumed that it was my appendix, the doctors thought so too. I had a CT done. Nothing. They admitted me for more testing. Another CT scan later and a consult with three GI doctors they suspected an inflammitory bowel problem. I get discharged and get to spend my brithday at home (yay!).

Then it started:
On a Wednesday I go for my colonscopy, the doctor tells me as I'm coming out of the sleep that I have Crohn's. Now he's only 95% sure at this time becuase of course the biopsys aren't back yet. So I said, okay fine, cause you know I don't really have this. I still have that 5% window! He prescribes meds to help the inflammation in my intestines. I got to get them filled: $675. That's after what the insurance paid (they would have been $1100) for a one months supply.

On Thursday, the next day, a nurse calls me and tells me that I need to have another CT scan. The doctor wants it done on Friday. Crap.

Friday I go and have my CT scan. Due to an error I'm told to arrive at 10, I should have been there at 9 and this was a fasting exam, so I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight. I had to sit in the waiting room area and drink contrast solution for an hour and they took me in at 11. I get home and I'm starving but feeling sick so I just lay on the couch. The doctor calls to let me know that my biopsy's are back. It's Crohn's for sure. I manage not to throw up.

I've not accepted that I actually have Crohn's at all. I'm trying not to read too much about it because honestly it scares the hell out of me. I have another appointment on Monday. The good news is that I am feeling better, the pain has lessened to the point that it's become an annoying cramp. I keep telling myself over and over again that God will not give anyone more than they can handle but this has been pretty hard. I'm the mom, I'm not supposed to be sick, especially not with something that will be with me my entire life, and no known cure. I don't want to come to be defined by this disease.

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, sort of, if I let myself think about it and let it hit me, then I do. I'm at the point right now that I just cry. The rest of the time I'm just doing what I do: laundry, diapers, cooking, cleaning, mommyin', knitting, reading, praying.