Ramble On

My biggest goal thus far has been to become really good at something, just one thing. So far I'm okay at several things and I don't actually have enough motivation to stick it out to be really good at anything. I've dabbled in pretty much everything my entire life and nothing has stuck. I keep starting blogs and I'll post a couple of times on each of them and then stop cause I just can't keep up the pretense. All the blogs I read are happy, lighthearted, Christian, good mama blogs. I just can't do that. I'd like to think that I'm all of the above things too but I just can't write about it daily and have it seem true. I think I stopped blogging at all my other blogs (besides my personal LJ) simply because I wasn't being true to myself. All this came to me suddenly in such a rush it was almost overwhemling and scared me to the point of almost doing nothing like always. Al my life I've let fear control me and although it scares me far more than I'd like to admit I'm not going to let it any more.

I'm going to make this my main blog and eventually wheen myself off the private LJ, let's see how long this lasts.

I need to get started on my xmas knitting. I've stalled out (like always) half way through. I have two more stockings to knit and a couple of hats. I'd also like to knit a bag for mom but I'm nervous about that because while she says she wants a bag she also has very specific bag needs and I don't think I can make what she wants.

I need some motivation. I'm not sure where to find it.

I have been told what my "big problem" is I was informed that it is that I'm not assertive enough.

I think my actual "big problem" with wanting to become an actual productive writer that I keep comparing myself to other people, as in I'm comparing my 1st draft to other people's final drafts. How much sense does that make?

I can't make everything come out all shiny and nice on the first try that's just not how it works even for these blog entries I end up rewriting them 2-3 times. Why do I expect less than that when I'm working on a bigger piece? I think the big problem that I'm expecting perfection on the first go round when I know (and I do KNOW this I have a degree in this for crying out loud) that rewriting is the most time consuming part of the actual writing process. I'm pressed for time right now, I mean I have three kids, I don't "have time" to sit on my butt and write and rewrite and rewrite it again but I have to make time to do it.