Ramble On

The book I reviewed was Mom's Bible God's Wisdom for Mothers with notes by Bobbie Wolgemuth.

I did not enjoy this translation of the bible. After reading many parts of this bible I would pull out another translation and read it again. I feel like this translation "dumbs down" the language of the bible so much that it takes away much of the beauty of the language and the power of the stories.

I did enjoy Bobbie Wolgeuth's insights. She gives some good advice and things to think about. Several passages struck me and I can see myself returning to them again and again. The writing is thoughtful and not condescending at all. I love the section called "Answers to Questions Kids Ask", some of these are questions that I have myself this was easily the most helpful part of the book.

The insights are valuable but I think the book would have worked better as just a collection of insights set up as a devotional giving the reader the freedom to use a translation that they enjoy but still getting the full benefit of Bobbie's wisdom.


Disclosure: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their book review program . The opinions expressed here are my own. I am disclosing this to be compliant with the Federal Trade Commission's guidelines concerning the use of endorsements and testimonials in advertising.

I know the last couple of entries have been cryptic and borderline dark. I want to let anyone who is reading this know that I am okay. It was one of those things were you’re kneeling on the bathroom floor crying out to God while the rest of the house is sleeping feeling so alone and so lost and knowing what to do. I’ve suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medication and therapy for it for years. It’s been hard to admit that I have this problem and even harder to try to explain it to people. Some people really try to understand and others just don’t care to.

The past few weeks have been hard for me. It started out with me just not sleeping which I should have realized was a warning sign and then the paranoia started, someone is going to break in during the night I have to stay up, I can’t drive the car because I will crash it and hurt my children. On and on and on it's so tiring to be on edge all the time and feel so alone.

I finally felt compelled to do what I was afraid of doing and I told my husband what was going on. I told him I needed to talk to him alone and he sat awkwardly at the edge of our bed I sat down beside him and as I told him what was going on he just sat there looking confused and lost. I couldn’t hold back my tears I told him that if I started acting funny to please tell me, he said, “how will I know?” and I just told him he would. He sort of nodded and just stared off into space. This is not the first time he’s dealt with this we’ve been together for nearly a decade but I think he realized this time was different.

I felt such a weight lifted off of my after I told him and when I prayed last night and felt even lighter. Today I’m feeling much better. It's hard to deal with this I'm ashamed to admit it but I feel like I need to. I'm not the only one suffering with this illness.

I mentioned before that I hate it when people blog about a huge problem they are having and then by the next entry they say “Oh never mind things are perfect now!” and I’m not trying to do that I just have to share how much better I’m feeling today. That doesn’t mean that things will be okay tomorrow but today, right now in this moment, things are okay. It’s Saturday my wonderful husband is home with me and all of our children are being nice to one another it’s snowing lightly outside and we have nowhere to go.

I'm okay. New entry coming soon. I've just written the rough draft but I gotta make lunch for these babies :-D

Today I am angry. I'm angry that I have to vacuum three time a day, I'm angry that it's snowing. It's one of those days that I recount my entire life (while vacuuming again) and beat myself up about every decision I've made.

I'm having a really hard time tonight. There are a lot of things going on, things I don't want to acknowledge yet are just bubbling there under the surface. I've struggled with it for years and for many years I was okay sure I had the occasional bad day but it was nothing like it used to be. Lately though I feel it creeping back in slowly just an off thought or an off feeling and it has me scared. I'm praying so hard, take it from my Lord just take it from me. I'm waiting and I'm believing I know I can get through this.

Matthew 11:28: "Come unto me all who are weary and burdened, and I shall give you rest"

I got a letter in the mail today letting me know that my school loan payment was now 16 days past due. I was confused. I went online immediately and made the payment and beat myself up for the rest of the day as to why this happened.

This is the second time in my life that I haven't made a payment on time. I make it a priority to be on time and on budget, what is going on with me?

Finally this evning I sat down here, on my newly colored laptop (baby went after it with a crayon, only on the front. It's personalized now!) as thought to do a search in my email. Well I did go online on the 30th of January and schedule a payment...for March 1! I did not pay attention to the date I was clicking through so fast.

I'm taking this as a message that I need to slow down, something I've been noticing for a while. I've been getting very distracted lately. I go through the motions but I'm not really there. I'm not sure how to explain it.

I'm going to be thankful that this message came through something that could be easily taken care of. I'm listening.

One of things I put on my 101 list (that isn't actually done) is to actually use my craft supplies. I hoard them. I have pretty things that I’m afraid to use! I need to just get over the paralyzing feeling of “I’m going to mess it up” and just do it cause really what am I doing with them if I’m not using them? Honestly. They are just clutter.



So today we made hair clips and magnets with butterflies, flowers, and buttons.
It snowed again, all day long, so Middle Girlie and I put our new clips in our hair. I tried to put one on the baby but she wouldn’t have it, she did like the magnets though!

For Lent this year I’m giving up online shopping. Essentially, I’m giving up my credit card. There were other things I toyed with giving up but this feels like what I need to do. There is one exception to this rule though, if American Girl has a free shipping code before Easter I’m going to buy middle girlie’s birthday gift, but other than that, that’s it.

We’ll see how this goes.

I have a notebook that I keep under my bed. Conveniently located so I can simply reach down and scoop it up one handed in the dark when an idea strikes me. Lately though it hasn’t been the whole way under no matter how much I shove it with my foot a corner of it keeps poking out as if to say “hellooo here I am…write in me…” but I haven’t been. I’ve been ignoring it and ignoring my knitting. I’m in a funk. I’ve pretty much spent the day feeling sorry for myself. No one thing actually happened to make me feel this way. I’m not even sure I want to share everything that’s been going on. I try to stay positive, because honestly if I don’t, I will go crazy. I guess things just seemed piled up today, more than usual, and it’s not just the laundry (which still needs put away but the baby is sleeping and I’m not going to risk waking her up). I’m having trouble sleeping again I just can’t seem to stop thinking and over thinking things while I should be sleeping.

Today was a good day mom-wise. I am proud to report that I have not yelled since the last time I posted about my yelling. Granted, it’s only been a couple of days but it’s worth something. I hate when people post “oh I’m having a problem” and by their next entry (a few hours later) it’s fixed and everything is perfect again (insert smiley face here). It’s crap. The problem wasn’t really a problem, they have now chosen to ignore it, or they want to appear to have it all together. Every one of those things are valid that’s what we do as human beings, but it doesn’t mean that we aren’t suffering. I try to remember that when I’m off reading whatever blogs/LJs/forums I'm into at the time. Everyone has got issues some like to complain about them (me!) and some people just don’t.

That seems to be a bit off topic but I have a point and I'm getting to it. My devotional this week was about becoming a more loving person; a much needed and humbling lesson. I’m not as loving as I could or should be. I am a jealous person, I’ve been aware of this for a while. When something good happens for someone else immediately my first reaction is to think “hey why not ME” and then I have to take a moment and look at the situation again, reassess and make the choice to be HAPPY for the person.

It’s pathetic. What sort of a person am I if my first thought when something good happens is to get bummed out that it didn’t happen for me? I’m ashamed to admit it but then again I feel called to and maybe this public outing will help me more than dealing with it privately. I don’t want to paint a pretty perfect picture of myself I am flawed, massively. I pray about it every single day. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be jealous, selfish and cruel.

However, is it a sign of significant growth that I'm realizing this now and am taking steps to retrain my initial reaction to situations? I can beat myself up all I want (see above) but at least I am now identifying things I want and need to change about myself and hopefully, with time, I can.

I used my (new) sewing machine for the second time ever yesterday when I got some fabric I ordered to make a little curtain for Eldest's bed. It was amazing, I got the mail, opened the package, took it right downstairs and sewed the curtain. I actually used a craft supply the way I had meant it to be used and in a (very) timely manner! I was actually shocked while I was doing it and especially afterward. It turned out so well. I know it's just a simple curtain but I love it so much and I'm so proud of myself that I actually did something that I wanted and had planned to do. Also the kid loves it, and who wouldn't like a squirrel treasure map curtain?

Oh yes I have proof:


Yesterday was an amazing day. I got very little sleep, it snowed, school was canceled. I was mindful about my temper I did not yell at. all. yesterday.

Today however, was another story. Everything I did today seemed in vain. I scrubbed the floor in the kitchen and then served the children lunch. The baby dropped an entire bowl of macaroni and cheese on to the floor.

Later on Eldest was goofing around (after he was told not to) and did some sort of ninja move right into the baby's snack bowl which flipped into the air and sprayed gluten all over the room. After that got cleaned and the baby was up taking her nap the other two were using colored pencils and had to sharpened some which got little wood shavings all over the carpet. I had to vacuum three times today.

I made a mistake and forgot to put the gate up between the kitchen and the living room. My baby is a climber, she climbed onto the table got her older sister's cherry Pepsi and brought it into the living room to show off her prize. Now, my kids aren't allowed to have drinks in the living room cause they always always get spilled. Middle Girlie moved towards the baby too fast, she got spooked and dropped the drink which dumped all over the carpet. This is the point where I yelled.

It was mostly because I was frustrated with myself, why couldn't anything go right today? I went out into the kitchen to make dinner. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was sick of vacuuming. The kids didn't do anything out of the ordinary today they were being kids. I took the time right then and there while making my chicken stock to pray. I didn't have a verse I was thinking of I just had to do it but what I thought I wanted to pray for didn't come out, what did was a prayer for my husband.

What the heck?

I think I realized in that moment that these were my challenges and I choose my reaction to them and instead of reacting the way I wanted to I threw a fit. I wasn't out in a snowstorm trying to get to work, my husband was doing that. I don't want to go into other things that are going on that are work-related because it is not my place to talk about that, but I prayed for him and for what he was doing for our family so that I could be home with these kids. I'm grateful. I am not a perfect mother but I'm trying, and I will try again tomorrow.

I'm reading several books right now, two of which are bibles. Yeah. I'm comparing the translations, one of them is a book I'm reviewing and I gotta say, it's not so good so far. I'm only 80-some pages into it but it's the BIBLE it's not light reading. I just sort of hate the translation.

The other book I'm reading is The Love Dare Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples. I'm on day two, and wow did this one ever get to me. First it starts out with the little spiel for the day, which was fine, and then it came to the "go deeper" part of the devotional. This one said to read 1 Corinthians 13 through once, then go back and read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 replacing the words "love" and "it" with your name.

So I did that and when I was reading it through the second time I had tears streaming down my face. Joslyn is patient, Joslyn is kind...that is what I want to be. I want my kids to think that of me and I know (especially after the day I had today) they most likely do not think that. I yell a lot, and I yelled a lot today. It's something I really need to work on. I know now that I have to make it a priority. Too many times I say things like "oh that's something I'm working on" to sort of make an excuse for it. "Yes it's been brought to me attention and I know that it's wrong but I don't actually intend on doing anything about it, but I'm working on it". No. Not anymore.


Here's the verse, yeah everyone has heard it but you gotta try it seriously. Replace the words "love" and "it" with your name and really let it settle in. Wow. Seriously. Just wow.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I got my first book to review in the mail today, I'm excited to start reading it!

I also am conducting an experiment, it's about dust so don't get too excited. I usually dust once a week, just once, cause I hate doing it but I also hate seeing dust. Now we got a new TV not too long and that thing seems to be a dust magnet. I think I dusted it off three or four times last week. So this week I've done my dusting and I'm going to see how long the dust stays off of it. I just used my normal method: a feather duster, which is real ostrich feathers so it does actually pick up dust not just move it around.

The next time it looks gross and dusty I will try another product and record how long it stays dust free and I'm going to do it here on this blog cause I'll forget to write it down anywhere else.

I know, I'm excited too.

Now off to do more laundry. I love sleeping in freshly changed sheets but I hate the fact that once a week when I change all he bedding to give my family this small gift of comfort that I make myself three loads of wash to do. Such as the life of a mama!

Here it is another week gone and again I haven't done what I've been meaning to do. Sure I've done the normal mom-housewife-stuff I've cleaned, I've bought new towels for the kids bathroom, I rearranged my husband's closet and dresser, moved around boxes in the basement, and found a bunch of stuff I forgot I had.

I've also become very frustrated with myself, I have no motivation to do the things that I'd like to do, it's like I'm paralyzed by fear. It's stupid and I'm doing it to myself. Like right now I'm sitting NEXT TO my knitting that I should be working on but the chart is complicated and I mess it up sometimes and I don't want to deal with it. So it will sit there until I finally give up on it and throw it into the basement with the rest of my un-used craft supplies.

I hate that.

I don't personally feel that new year's resoulations should start until Feburary. January is too buy, at least for me, I have a lot of cleaning up and putting away to do in January not to mention that this January we were all very very ill for several days each it just didn't make for a very good start of the new year.

First of all I need to get back into shape. Yes I had a baby 16 months ago but I'm no long breastfeeding I don't have any more excuses to just eat whatever I want. I need to readjust my habits. I re-signed up for spark people and downloaded their app on my itouch which is great because I can keep that in my pocket so when I want to put something onto my foods chart I don't need to go find a computer. Lovely. You have no idea how excited I was about this! I don't think I can convey it using simply exclamation points but I hope you understand.

I also need to make a 101 list, this should be easy for me cause I love me some lists but I just can't seem to do it. I don't want to sent super lofty goals because I know I won't complete them. I want them to be attainable, I want to actually complete the whole list. So there's that.

As part of this need to start doing more, after the baby went down for her nap my 4-year-old and I did yoga which was fun, she's actually very good! She's growing up so so fast. It makes me emotional to think about her starting school next year. I know she's ready but I most certainly am NOT. It's going to be super strange to just have the little one home with me, of course, shortly after the school year starts she will turn 2...which will be interesting.

This entry is scattered, which is fine I suppose since this is my blog but I don't like it. Need to focus.

I got an email today approving me (and this blog) to do some book reviews for a Christian book publisher. I'm super excited about it, free books!

I'm also taking some time to write Hannah's birth story out, which is going to be interesting because I feel like I've really blocked a lot of it out. I remember certain things but as I dig deeper I'm reliving some details I thought I had forgotten. Like the pain, everyone says you forget it, and I think that you do, at least you forget it in the way that you just don't think about it but it seems like as soon as I started writing things down it all came back. Oh it hurt. I remember thinking to myself that I was not the first person to do this, I was not special, or important in the grand scheme of things and the only way through the pain was, quite literally, was to go through it.