Ramble On

I really like to take showers. I like the smell of soap, I like the feel of hot water on my back. I like bath poufs and sweet smelling body wash. My favorite soap is dove. Just the plain white bar of dove. I don't really like wash cloths though, they don't lather well enough, oh I'll use them on my face, feet, and other delicate areas, but in general, I prefer a pouf. So usually I stick to using body wash, and I only used the dove bar soap on a wash cloth occasionally.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany. Why not rub the bar soap onto the pouf? Would it work?

Let me tell you something: It Does! I'm either a genius or a major idiot for not realizing this sooner. I'm pumped about this. Sorry Bath and Body Works, you are now relegated to bubble baths only. I'm showering with dove.

Reading all these Crohn's forums is making me upset. All these things that these (we) people are going through with this disease!

The first thing my GI said to me (and he seemed agitated about it, but he was running over an hour behind that day) was that Crohn's can NOT be controlled with diet.

I've been doing research (and scaring myself) online and everything I've read from MD sources say the same thing, the condition is not related to diet. Immediately after it says that each person needs to find something that "doesn't bug them" then how can it not be related to diet? That to me seems counter intuitive. Maybe I don't have all the facts (very possible) but it seems like there has to be a link. It doesn't make sense to me that it wouldn't.

I'm not planning on going off my medicine unless medical directed to but I do want to try to make things better for myself through diet. So I went on amazon and I ordered myself some books today. I'm not looking for a miracle cure I'm looking for some normalcy.

Here it is another week gone and again I haven't done what I've been meaning to do. Sure I've done the normal mom-housewife-stuff I've cleaned, I've bought new towels for the kids bathroom, I rearranged my husband's closet and dresser, moved around boxes in the basement, and found a bunch of stuff I forgot I had.

I've also become very frustrated with myself, I have no motivation to do the things that I'd like to do, it's like I'm paralyzed by fear. It's stupid and I'm doing it to myself. Like right now I'm sitting NEXT TO my knitting that I should be working on but the chart is complicated and I mess it up sometimes and I don't want to deal with it. So it will sit there until I finally give up on it and throw it into the basement with the rest of my un-used craft supplies.

I hate that.

I've been dreading writing this post, I keep starting it then stopping, delting what I have and writing it again or just stepping away from it completely.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being selfish being a SAHM. There is a daycare here that wouldn't break the bank (450 a month per kid) that wouldn't cost my entire imaginary salary to have all the kids in care full time over the summer. Littlest would have to be in full time year 'round and middle girlie goes to school this fall so that would take care of her, eldest will be starting 4th grade so he's covered as well.

My husband is not happy with his job, he's not getting a raise/promotion/whatever that he was pretty much promised (of course not in writing and you know how that goes) and is frustrated. We won't be able to buy a house this year unless we can put down a huge down payment which we can't right now on one income and I know that my working would help that part at least. There is no way we could buy a house this year especially before the tax incentive goes away, but I know that if I worked next year could be a possibility.

I just don't want to do it. I don't want to bank my kids while I go work at a job I don't really want to do. Hubby told me today that we should see what happens with my book, which makes me feel worse while I do think that my story is good and I do think it could get published (someday) I don't know if that will be any time soon and I don't know how fast I can even get it done I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I know that I'm not the only woman struggling with this but don't know anyone to actually talk to about it. Most of the people I associate with are SAHMs (surprise) or work part time and still are the primary care for their children. The job that hubby is thinking about for me (which would become available in May) is far from their school and would mean before and after school care, the baby would have to be there from 6AM - 5PM and I think I would cry if I had to drop her off for that long. It makes me sick just thinking about it. She's so little and she's allergic to things and I don't want anyone else taking care of my baby girl. It's selfish I know but damn it these are MY kids and I would rather live in a box then have some else raise them the majority of the day especially since I have the option to do so.

I realize that I'm lucky that I even have these options. I am blessed to have a husband who is very encouraging of my interests and aspirations but my time is growing short. I need to do something to contribute to the financial well-being of our family. I just do not know what to do.

By the time Littlest starts school (4 1/2 years from now) hubs will be out of grad school and hopefully in a better paying position and you'd think in that long I would have had something published* (other than this blog) if I actually, you know, try (which has been the main issue thus far in this publishing journey, not going to get anything published is I'm 1) not writing or 2) not submitting anything).

It's just a lot right now. A lot to think about and a lot to do.

*not saying I'm planning on having a book or anything like that published in four years, but something would be a nice, a short story or a poem or something anything that might pay me a bit.

I signed in just now and got all excited that I had a follower, until i realized it was me. Yes I'm following my own blog. 1) I don't really know how it works and 2) I like to see what other people so so that little feed on the bottom of my dashboard I get to see my own post.

*ahem*

That is just a wee bit pathetic, I'll give you that but in a way I also find it hilarious.

I've been having trouble sleeping (shock) I've been trying to get into the habit of going to bed a certain time but it never works out and i always end up laying int he dark thinking of a million things that I could be doing. I don't think it helps that I have a laptop either or an i pod because I can get on them and do things at my leisure thus impeding my sleepy-time. It's a no win situation.

I keep thinking about my novel those 200 hundred pages that are floating here on my hard drive I haven't even printed them out yet or combined them into one actual word document. I don't know what is stopping me from just starting but something is making me hesitate. I keep thinking of excuses...Oh I can't start now I might be coming down with the flu the kid brought home...yes excuses like that, horrid ones. I have to just start even if it turns out to be crap I need to do it because I need to finish something, all this nonsense about having "free time" and "no deadlines" is awful and I can not get anything done if I don't put it on a list or have some accountability for it. If I wouldn't have my kids home all day with me I probably wouldn't take meals but since I have to feed them I eat as well it's things like that. They need me so I function I shudder to think what I would be if it weren't for them and that scares me because what am I to do when they leave? I don't even mean in twenty or so years when they are adults but what happens when they go to school? Do I get a job? Do I stay home? What do I do all day while they stay home? I'm nearly 5 years from this reality but it's coming and I feel like it's coming super fast.

I need to find something to do with my life.

I'm in bed wearing my flannel pjs and socks covered by a flannel sheet, down comforter, and a quilt freezing.

I should go to sleep but I'm just not ready yet something is keeping my awake I'm excited and a little jumpy. I feel like I need to do something not litterally something right now but something with my life. I realized a few days ago that I'm almost 30. Really, almost 30. I almost fell over.

I feel a deep and burning shame about my life right now, our living situation, the way I manage our money, how I parent my children. I need to change things, I need to change several things. I'm taking full responsibility here because it is mine to bear. I put it to God this afternoon to help me to show me what I need to do because I can't keep living this way anymore and I feel like he's answering me. I feel God working in my life in a big way and I'm excited about it, giddy, almost is the word I would use to describe it.

I know what I'm going to buy myself for my birthday (in July!) this year.

Because I so want to learn how to crochet and since this kit is geared towards children I most likely will be able to understand the instructions.

I just don't get why after several years of trying I just can't do it.

Admittedly the only reason I really want to learn it to make this shawl which I've been coventing for as long as I've been married.

And yes I plan on giving the little suitcase to the children, which one? No idea, I'm sure that will cause an issue.