Ramble On

Every night I think it's a good idea to take my shower after all the kids are in bed and I'm tired. I can sleep in longer in the morning if I shower tonight! I say to myself and every time I do it I wake myself up, which is why I'm sitting here at nearly 12:30 in the morning writing this blog post. It's going to be a bit scattered which is a reflection of how I've been feeling lately. It's getting harder and harder to hide all though through it all I've had this deep sense of calm, I've mentioned this before, but it's really strange to me.

Normally, I'd be flipping the heck out about all the things swirling around me right now. I could list them all but the best way to put it is to say it's been a big cluster-bomb (I'd use another word there but I'm making an effort in my life not to swear anymore) of crap lately. I don't want to say that I don't care about what is going on I'm just not reacting the way I usually do. Normally, I would be curled up in the fetal position, not taking meals, not taking care of myself beyond the bear minimum, feeling nauseous, jumpy, and being generally nasty. I'm not, I'm just not, and it's making me wonder what happened that I've all the sudden I've grown up. Maybe it's my attitude (doubt it) the only thing I've changed in my life is that I've been consistently praying for the past two years, since I was a few months pregnant with Hannah. This change is recent though, and I'm going to take it as a positive thing. Maybe I'm being steeled for things to come but at the core of it, of this calm, is a deep knowledge that everything is going to be alright. I just need to get through it.

Now what I really wanted to talk about:

My swap is done and all packed up, it will be mailed out tomorrow.

The taxes are done, and will be mailed out tomorrow (all the ones I couldn’t efile, which is the local cause the hamster that runs their computers hasn't been fed yet I guess).

My baby’s diaper looked poofy but should I wake her up to change her diaper? Heck no. Never, unless there is a very very good reason wake my kids up when they are sleeping they are nasty when woken up.

So now I'm out of excuses. I guess all there is left to do, per my agreement with myself, is to re-start rewriting my story. Which makes me terribly nervous.

A few nights ago while I was trying to get to sleep something came to me and I had to write it down. Hubs caught me in bed with my notebook and pen writing by the light of my ipod. He found this strange, I said, "Baby, I do this all the time only you're usually sleeping".

* Right after I wrote this post I came across these

"I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like an eagle; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. -- Isaiah 40:28-31

These have significance to me, and I wanted to include them here so I can refer back to them, although I know more will be revealed to me as needed. I take comfort in it and am grateful.

* finished my mouse, hopefully going to have the swap ready to go by Wed. Send out is Feb 1!
* after the swap is over I'm casting on for my OWL over on my Harry Potter knit along.
* novel work will resume as soon as this swap is out of my hands. I obviously can't handle more than one thing at a time and I didn't want to crap out on this swap. I know for next time though.

Tomorrow hubs and I are taking oldest to take an exam in my old home town, which is 2 hours away. Of course, no one is going to be around (always seems to happen when I go into town...um...I'm getting the feeling that I'm not wanted, though one of my friends does have to work so I guess that is okay. ha). I'm dropping off kid-clothes and baby items to some friends who can use them with various husbands and front porches.

I'm not very good with bullet lists. The entire point of them is to be brief. I just don't work like that.

I need to get to bed.

I have to do a lot for this upcoming swap (mail out is Feb 1) so I'm putting off rewriting until I'm done with it. Okay don't yell at me (please) my first priority right now has to be this swap cause I can not send this out late. I want to have it ready to go by Wednesday cause it always takes hubs a couple days to get to the post office.

Right now I need to go finish knitting my mouse ;-)

Every time I think of shopping and go to my normal shopping sites (like amazon) I just feel a mixture of nauseousness and dread. I think this is a good thing!!

I'm going to the doctor on Thursday in the next town over which means I'll be doing my food shopping over there, at the grocery store right next Target, which is like quicksand to me. I'm taking a list, I do need Target-things (baby wipes, oldest needs some clothes since he keeps growing). But I'm nervous honestly. I've given myself a 50 dollar budget for valentine's day I'd like to do something fancy for my kids this year ala pottery barn kids but way cheaper.

I'm still super bummed about the whole we're-not-moving this year thing. I mean it's one thing to realize in like October that your goals for the year are not going to work out but to figure it out in January? Not cool. I feel like crap, and I don't feel like working on my novel today or those two other stories (now three since I sort of started another one last night). I have lots of excuses, none of them good, I need to just do it. At least work through putting this stuff in order, rewriting is a daunting task.

I've been so so tired lately. I have no idea why. I took a nap after supper tonight and avoided doing a bunch of housework this evening though I did give the girls a bath, which takes a lot out of me. I know I'm not eating right, I know I'm not drinking enough water, and I know that I should probably be in bed by now (it's nearly 11:30PM) but instead I'm sitting her watching reruns of The Tudors and thinking of all the stuff I need to get done with week.

See this is what I do, I think about everything that needs doing then I get overwhelmed and I do exactly nothing.

I have a swap that's due to send out on Feb 1 and I should be knitting mittens and a bag for my Harry Potter knit along on. I also think that I made a big mistake by writing all my scenes out of order during nanowrimo I guess I never thought I'd be editing the actual novel but boy howdy this is a headache. So far I've waded through the mess with post it note tag thingies trying to just gather my thoughts. I'm going to copy and paste everything sort of in order and print it out again so I can actually start rewriting. I still think the story is good though, so that's good, cause usually by this point I'm thinking the story stinks and I'm throwing it across the room. I keep praying that I will be granted the fortitude to actually finish the novel. I just want to finish it and finish it well and have it be something that I love and something that I'm proud of. So I'm working on it a little bit every day as time allows.

I've been dreading writing this post, I keep starting it then stopping, delting what I have and writing it again or just stepping away from it completely.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being selfish being a SAHM. There is a daycare here that wouldn't break the bank (450 a month per kid) that wouldn't cost my entire imaginary salary to have all the kids in care full time over the summer. Littlest would have to be in full time year 'round and middle girlie goes to school this fall so that would take care of her, eldest will be starting 4th grade so he's covered as well.

My husband is not happy with his job, he's not getting a raise/promotion/whatever that he was pretty much promised (of course not in writing and you know how that goes) and is frustrated. We won't be able to buy a house this year unless we can put down a huge down payment which we can't right now on one income and I know that my working would help that part at least. There is no way we could buy a house this year especially before the tax incentive goes away, but I know that if I worked next year could be a possibility.

I just don't want to do it. I don't want to bank my kids while I go work at a job I don't really want to do. Hubby told me today that we should see what happens with my book, which makes me feel worse while I do think that my story is good and I do think it could get published (someday) I don't know if that will be any time soon and I don't know how fast I can even get it done I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I know that I'm not the only woman struggling with this but don't know anyone to actually talk to about it. Most of the people I associate with are SAHMs (surprise) or work part time and still are the primary care for their children. The job that hubby is thinking about for me (which would become available in May) is far from their school and would mean before and after school care, the baby would have to be there from 6AM - 5PM and I think I would cry if I had to drop her off for that long. It makes me sick just thinking about it. She's so little and she's allergic to things and I don't want anyone else taking care of my baby girl. It's selfish I know but damn it these are MY kids and I would rather live in a box then have some else raise them the majority of the day especially since I have the option to do so.

I realize that I'm lucky that I even have these options. I am blessed to have a husband who is very encouraging of my interests and aspirations but my time is growing short. I need to do something to contribute to the financial well-being of our family. I just do not know what to do.

By the time Littlest starts school (4 1/2 years from now) hubs will be out of grad school and hopefully in a better paying position and you'd think in that long I would have had something published* (other than this blog) if I actually, you know, try (which has been the main issue thus far in this publishing journey, not going to get anything published is I'm 1) not writing or 2) not submitting anything).

It's just a lot right now. A lot to think about and a lot to do.

*not saying I'm planning on having a book or anything like that published in four years, but something would be a nice, a short story or a poem or something anything that might pay me a bit.

One of the bloggers that I read frequently passed away and although I've never met him it has shaken me. I have to do something.

I'm editing my novel and I'm hoping to start querying this summer. I'm scared, nervous, nauseous, pick something I'm probably feeling it but this is just something that I have to do. I'm also working on two other stories as well. I'm planning on doing Nano again this year but we'll see what I'm up to when that time comes.

I have a lot on my plate right now. This blog, the novel, a swap on craftster, and I'm doing a knit-a-long which I really need to get working on this coming week. I found keeping busy is helping me to not shop. I know I shouldn't be patting myself on the back right now but I'm really trying to be super conscious about how much I'm spending. It's only the 11th of January...but so far so good.

That rhymes..and I don't know if I'm okay with that.

Not much to report, I'm feeling sick (again) and wanting to move to England.

That is all.

xo

The most depressing day of the winter season in my house, putting away Christmas.



It seems like I was just putting this all up and now it's time to put it all away for another year.

Today was not good for a number of reasons, bad medical news, bad job news, but I had a good day at home with my mom and the little girls. We played a new board game, we had several tea parties, and watched lots of Nick Jr. while it snowed outside and big brother was at a school.

I'm left with a deep sense of calm despite all the bad coming at me right now. I love my children and I love being their mom.

I'm having another one of those days trying to stay positive but it's hard, it's so so hard to try to do that.

I got sick and spent the entire day in bed yesterday, today I lazied around, did three loads of wash, and vacuumed hubby took care of dinner for the kids.

My mom got sick too. My father has not gotten the bug yet but I'm sure he'll be the next to go down although he's due to travel tomorrow for work. We'll see how that is going to go.

Hubby is wanting me to watch Battlestar Galacticia with me but I just can't get into it. Give my Star Trek TNG or Firefly but I don't know about this Galactica stuff.

Still feeling like crap hopefully I'm not coming down with something again right on the back of this one no way of knowing. I feel awful just awful and I'm sure that is not helping my melancholy..more money worries. I just feel like we're never going to have enough to do anything I want to be able to provide for our children fully and completely but right now we just can't. It shames me to admit this in "public" but I feel like I have to like God is calling me to do it to basically admit it to myself before things can change. Hubby is due for a raise, will he get it? I don't know we've been waiting and I've been praying on it and I just don't know if it's going to happen. I don't know where God is leading us right now and it scares me. I am not used to feeling like this most of the time I feel confident and secure in the fact that God has a plan for our family I'm afraid of what is coming in the next few months regardless of the raise/work issues I'm afraid more so of health issues.

This swine flu crap has me twisting in a bad way. I'm so afraid of it and more afraid of getting my kids the vaccs for it. I know that it's available and our pediatrician is sort of ambivalent about it and I've been praying about it but just haven't gotten a clear answer to my question so I've chosen to do nothing at this point. Maybe that's stupid but that's what I've chosen to do right now.

My mom has been ill (she'll kill me if she knows I've put that out there) but I can't just do this by myself. I need to talk to someone about everything that is going on and I can't find someone to do that so you're (whoever is reading) are going to have to do. I know that she's going to have some test results coming soon that could rock things around here and I'm bracing myself for it, though I don't know if I can really prepare fully.

I'm afraid and praying for strength, trying to be still and listen.

I don't know if I'm just tired or I'm coming down with the sick.

Either way I just signed on to report that I've started the task of editing. Right now I just combined the two word docs together and started to run spell check.

I am a poor speller when I'm trying to type fast especially I suppose.

But I started and that's something.

The wreath I made by wiring balls of yarn to a wire form then wiring in plastic gold colored ornaments.

Never again I tell you. Wiring the balls was probably the stupid thing I could have done it kept spinning. I like how it turned out but a "quick" stash busting project ended up taking about a week of frustration, several bleeding fingertips, and a whole heck of a lot of yarn to get done.

I'm going to make sure to store her carefully cause I'm not redoing it again :-)

I signed in just now and got all excited that I had a follower, until i realized it was me. Yes I'm following my own blog. 1) I don't really know how it works and 2) I like to see what other people so so that little feed on the bottom of my dashboard I get to see my own post.

*ahem*

That is just a wee bit pathetic, I'll give you that but in a way I also find it hilarious.

I've been having trouble sleeping (shock) I've been trying to get into the habit of going to bed a certain time but it never works out and i always end up laying int he dark thinking of a million things that I could be doing. I don't think it helps that I have a laptop either or an i pod because I can get on them and do things at my leisure thus impeding my sleepy-time. It's a no win situation.

I keep thinking about my novel those 200 hundred pages that are floating here on my hard drive I haven't even printed them out yet or combined them into one actual word document. I don't know what is stopping me from just starting but something is making me hesitate. I keep thinking of excuses...Oh I can't start now I might be coming down with the flu the kid brought home...yes excuses like that, horrid ones. I have to just start even if it turns out to be crap I need to do it because I need to finish something, all this nonsense about having "free time" and "no deadlines" is awful and I can not get anything done if I don't put it on a list or have some accountability for it. If I wouldn't have my kids home all day with me I probably wouldn't take meals but since I have to feed them I eat as well it's things like that. They need me so I function I shudder to think what I would be if it weren't for them and that scares me because what am I to do when they leave? I don't even mean in twenty or so years when they are adults but what happens when they go to school? Do I get a job? Do I stay home? What do I do all day while they stay home? I'm nearly 5 years from this reality but it's coming and I feel like it's coming super fast.

I need to find something to do with my life.

are coming home today. I haven't seen them since Sunday! They were supposed to be home Wed but then they all (and I mean all of them, hubs included) came down with the stomach flu so they dealt with that and are on their way home now, a three hour drive.

I'm fully expecting to get the bug so I'm warning you now if I go MIA that's probably why. Oh my oh my, not looking forward to that at all.

Happy New Year!

I am still in bed. I didn't end up getting to sleep until 4AM I kept feeling like I was going to get sick and slept with a bucket next to the bed. It's not something I'd like to repeat but since my children all have been majorly ill the last few days I know that my turn is coming and honestly, I am afriad. I hate vomiting it scares me so so so much.

That was not the point of this post, so bear with me.

The point was that this year, this 2010 year I'm trying to do several things. These really aren't in order.

• Knit a good bit of stuff for myself, which includes an actual wool hat for ME.
• Be aware of and actively pay down our debt, which means no impulse buying online (my weakness). This was actually something I did last year too and we've come a long long way from where we were which is great, but, as I know all to well it's way too easy to spend money so I want to make sure to include it again that way it's on my mind and I'll be able to keep myself in check. Hopefully I'm forming life long habits here. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
  
• Make a quilt. I've been putting this off for way too long because I'm afraid of messing it up.
• Knit socks. I just have to try, I've been knitting for nine years now and have yet to make actual people-sized socks.
• Edit my novel. I have 200 pages of raw material here and something needs to be done about it. I know that the story is good and even if I only get a 1500 word story out of what I've written that will be better than the state it is currently in.
• Keep up with this blog. This is probably the most challenging thing I've set out to do, I'm a poor blogger but I also know that it's within me to change that. I don't think I'll blog every day, or maybe not even every other day but some sort of consistency would be nice.
• Focus more on my children. I am lucky to be able to stay home with them and I can wait until they are in bed to do more involved things (like dust the living room, I don't like to dust around them anyway!).
• Pick up the living room each night so it's easier to relax after the kids go to bed. It's nearly pointless to try to have the 15-month-old clean up at night. I will try to get her to help me though. The training must start early!

I think that's it for now. There are other things I'd love to do this year (like buy a house) but these are things that I know I can do all on my own and things that don't obligate us to payments for years and years.