Ramble On

I made a decision that I would be limiting my computer time to only a few hours a day (as opposed to several hours all spread out through the day) including my ipod use. That one was pretty easy, I just left it upstairs, the fact that we have a lot of other computers around the house made avoiding sitting down at one pretty hard; especially when my daughters were watching Strawberry Short Cake this afternoon while my 9-year-old was playing on his laptop, but I did it and I'm comfortable with how much time I spent today. I'm planning on knitting tonight while watching American Idol on my Citron shawl (which I had to rip out and start over again). I got through the fist section of the pattern pretty quickly. I'm hoping to finish the second section tonight during my TV time (Idol, Top Chef).

I finished this up yesterday for a baby shower gift that needs to be shipped out ASAP.


I need to find some wrapping paper though, and a card, and figure out something to write.

That piece I was talking about not wanting to write? I'm writing it. In pieces. I'm going to share it when it's done.

So I'm writing, and trying to write about things that scare me and things I don't want to talk about. I've started, several times, to write about my last suicide attempt  but thinking about that night makes me nauseous even though it was nearly 10 years ago. I'm not sure if I'm not ready to talk about it or just too afraid to. Do I push myself out of my comfort zone or do I just stop for now?

One of my goals for this year is to "be brave". This means a lot of things to me as I'm generally very nervous about everything, but especially about being creative and how it is perceived by other people. I like to talk myself out of things, part of it is my depression, part of it is that I've convinced myself that I'm not much good at anything.

Being brave is about taking chances and I took a chance by submitting a piece to Kind Over Matter, and today it is featured. I'm overwhelmed and honored.

I don’t like making these mostly because if it’s something really important to me I should just want to do it anyway not because I’m self-imposing crap on to myself, with no real consequences, in the spirit of celebrating a new year. So these aren’t resolutions per say. This is stuff I’m doing, stuff I’m trying to do, and stuff I hope to make a habit of.

Things I’ve started to do recently:

1. Floss consistently, ever single day. Oh Lord the stories I’ve read about people with Crohn’s and their nasty teeth.
2. Pray at least once a day. I pray a lot through out the day but especially at night, this really helps me get to sleep.

Things I need to start doing:

1. Spend less time online. I’m connected all the time now. I’ve got an Ipod that I pretty much carry around with me all day (use it for alarms) that I can check facebook and email on, which I do way too much. I will allow myself the ipod, however, I am on my laptop way to much. Most of the time I’m sitting on my laptop, with my ipod beside me, and the TV is on. What the heck?!
2. Knit the yarn I’ve already bought instead of just buying more ‘cause it’s pretty. That’s self explanatory I think.
3. Be more willing to screw up aka take chances. With my knitting, with my writing. I need to just do it. I’m wasting too much time.

I've been trying to avoid things, like finishing the two novels I have in the works. I have to make writing a priority, I just have to do it and I have to stop being afraid. What is there to be afraid of at this point? That it's "not good enough" for publication? Well of course it isn't especially if it's NOT DONE. If this were someone complaining to me about this bs I would tell them just freaking finish it, just do it and shut up because my least favorite thing in the world are people who complain about things and then do nothing about it. I'm so mad that I'm one of those people.

I have been knitting (one of my favorite things to do while I'm avoiding writing)

Blanket for my youngest daughter, that's an 18in doll just so you can see how huge this blanket is:


Apple cloth. I'm not sure I'm happy with the gauge on this one. It's not blocked.


Blanket for my middle girlie, blanket is also huge. It will probably fit on her twin sized bed as a coverlet.:


These are all Christmas gifts, yeah I know, I'm early.

I've been writing, oh I've been writing.. there is much drama going on behind the scenes!

I realized tonight that I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I fought for so long against my insecurities because I wanted to "be a writer" when really, I'm not very good at it. I don't know if my energy would be better spent elsewhere or what. It was humbling. I'm just not sure what else I'm actually motivated to do. It's scary.

Moving on:

I'm knitting again, which is nice although today I didn't do any of it. Today I took my kids outside and we played with all their riding toys. We took a walk around the yard and found sticks, bugs, and flowers. We played on the swings and then we all piled up on the hammock. It was hot. We had Popsicles. Then we all went inside for a break from the sun and to recoup before soccer practice.

Now earlier in the day I had a little bit of an accident. I was stepping over the baby gate on the bottom of the steps. I was wearing socks and I slipped while straddling it and bounced off the gate. If that gate was a saw it would have cut me in half. It's been very uncomfortable moving around, soccer practice was not so fun. Chasing a 19-month-old around for two hours took a huge toll on me. Thank God hubby was there to help but the amount I had to do was enough. After we got home and I crashed on my cushy chair my lower back started to hurt as well. I'm hoping I'm not too sore in the morning.

I started my jean quilt today (something that's been on my "to do list" for a really long time)...well yesterday really. I started cutting the pieces out and it too forever because I didn't really know what I was doing. Today was much better, I got through the rest of the jeans and counted my squares: 84. Way too many! I have a whole stack left over, which I'm pretty happy about because I am not planning some pot holders, or pillow covers, or something.

Anyway. The quilt. I laid it all out, fussed with it a bit, and it looks okay to me. So now I gotta pin it together and sew it. That's the part I'm afraid of. I'm hoping to have the top done by the end of the week and maybe next week I can do the backing, binding, and actual quilting. I still don't really know what I'm doing but I'm happy to be doing something.

My first article for Demand Studios got rejected, but the editor was really nice about it and told me not to get discouraged; so we'll see what happens with the next one that is being edited right now.

I submitted my first article at demand studios, we'll see how that goes. I'm not even sure I want to write for them yet I'm considering this one a test and am willing to abandon it completely if I'm not comfortable with it. It would be nice though, to get paid for something!

I haven't worked on my novels for a while. I'm letting it simmer, or at least that's what I'm telling myself at this point. The stress that was really slamming me in the family arena is finally calming down and I'm feeling much better so I'm sure I'll get the urge to work on them again soon. There are a lot of opportunities coming up and hopefully I'll be in a place to take advantage of them.

Wow that was cryptic! How fun for you to read that.

I keep finding myself googling how to pray for certain things. I need to stop and realize that it's in me already as long as the prayer is sincere it doesn't matter how it's phrased. I don't think God really cares if my grammar is perfect or if I'm using the right sort of fancy language. I'm not perfect.

I've been writing a lot, no not working on my novel. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I can deal with that again. The work load got overwhelming to me and I just couldn't even look or deal with it. It's a good excuse, I guess, but now it is time to push forward. The bones are there it just needs filled out. I'm going to quit worrying about which market it would fit into or even if people will read it, none of that matters if it's not actually done. So now I just gotta go do.

When I do this (procrastinate) I often think about back in college when I was taking 21 credits a semester, all lit and creative writing courses. I had to write at least one critical paper a week, as well as a short story, and a poem all for different classes and somehow I always showed up to class with my work done. I have to believe it was an accountability issue, I just do not have accountability now and I think that's my problem. Back in November during NanoWriMo I felt motivated, I would post word count updates nearly every night and annoyed the heck out of my facebook friends with them. Now? Who cares if I work on my novel or write a poem? I rarely allow anyone to read my work even when it's entirely finished (that's another problem I need to work on) I'm way too shy about it and fear personal judgement on the basis of something I've written even if it's a work of fiction. I have a lot of issues.

You know when I started college I was not an English major. I started college as a mass communications major thinking that maybe that would get me into a job that paid okay. I hated it. I switched to Psychology, then to Anthropology, and finally just after taking a creative writing class (gen ed requirement) realized that I really did want to be an English major, which was my first instinct anyway when I was filling out my early admissions application for BU. After I switched my major to English, college was easy. I was getting straight As, I was going to class, I had a baby and only went to class two days a week but still managed to get everything done and done well. I loved everything about my classes my last two years of college (cause they were ALL English courses). It's about the only thing I'm good at. I want to feel that way again so I finally admitted to myself, and my husband, that at some point I'd really like to go back to school for an MFA. He said, "so go ahead". Nice.

I do not want to attempt to raise my kids with both of their parents in grad school at the same time, but sometime after Hubby is done with school and the finical aspect isn't so daunting, I'd really like to pursue this even if It's just to get myself some motivation to actually produce. I don't think I want to teach, but I want to be a better writer, and maybe actually want to refer to myself as that someday. You know, "Hi I'm Joslyn, not only do I have all these kids I'm also a writer".

Yeah. That'd be nice.

I had a momentary freak out today. I thought I need to rewrite my entire novel because it's not set in "present day", which apparently is what is selling right now, and because of that no one will ever want to read it.

Then I remembered that it's actually set in an alternative universe and is purely fantasy and people still do read those, also, I really just want to finish this. I need to finish something so I'm going to push forward with it and make it as good as I can and see what happens. I'm working on a couple other stories as well and I'm looking forward to Nanowrimo again this year.

I got an email today approving me (and this blog) to do some book reviews for a Christian book publisher. I'm super excited about it, free books!

I'm also taking some time to write Hannah's birth story out, which is going to be interesting because I feel like I've really blocked a lot of it out. I remember certain things but as I dig deeper I'm reliving some details I thought I had forgotten. Like the pain, everyone says you forget it, and I think that you do, at least you forget it in the way that you just don't think about it but it seems like as soon as I started writing things down it all came back. Oh it hurt. I remember thinking to myself that I was not the first person to do this, I was not special, or important in the grand scheme of things and the only way through the pain was, quite literally, was to go through it.

Every night I think it's a good idea to take my shower after all the kids are in bed and I'm tired. I can sleep in longer in the morning if I shower tonight! I say to myself and every time I do it I wake myself up, which is why I'm sitting here at nearly 12:30 in the morning writing this blog post. It's going to be a bit scattered which is a reflection of how I've been feeling lately. It's getting harder and harder to hide all though through it all I've had this deep sense of calm, I've mentioned this before, but it's really strange to me.

Normally, I'd be flipping the heck out about all the things swirling around me right now. I could list them all but the best way to put it is to say it's been a big cluster-bomb (I'd use another word there but I'm making an effort in my life not to swear anymore) of crap lately. I don't want to say that I don't care about what is going on I'm just not reacting the way I usually do. Normally, I would be curled up in the fetal position, not taking meals, not taking care of myself beyond the bear minimum, feeling nauseous, jumpy, and being generally nasty. I'm not, I'm just not, and it's making me wonder what happened that I've all the sudden I've grown up. Maybe it's my attitude (doubt it) the only thing I've changed in my life is that I've been consistently praying for the past two years, since I was a few months pregnant with Hannah. This change is recent though, and I'm going to take it as a positive thing. Maybe I'm being steeled for things to come but at the core of it, of this calm, is a deep knowledge that everything is going to be alright. I just need to get through it.

Now what I really wanted to talk about:

My swap is done and all packed up, it will be mailed out tomorrow.

The taxes are done, and will be mailed out tomorrow (all the ones I couldn’t efile, which is the local cause the hamster that runs their computers hasn't been fed yet I guess).

My baby’s diaper looked poofy but should I wake her up to change her diaper? Heck no. Never, unless there is a very very good reason wake my kids up when they are sleeping they are nasty when woken up.

So now I'm out of excuses. I guess all there is left to do, per my agreement with myself, is to re-start rewriting my story. Which makes me terribly nervous.

A few nights ago while I was trying to get to sleep something came to me and I had to write it down. Hubs caught me in bed with my notebook and pen writing by the light of my ipod. He found this strange, I said, "Baby, I do this all the time only you're usually sleeping".

* Right after I wrote this post I came across these

"I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like an eagle; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. -- Isaiah 40:28-31

These have significance to me, and I wanted to include them here so I can refer back to them, although I know more will be revealed to me as needed. I take comfort in it and am grateful.

One of the bloggers that I read frequently passed away and although I've never met him it has shaken me. I have to do something.

I'm editing my novel and I'm hoping to start querying this summer. I'm scared, nervous, nauseous, pick something I'm probably feeling it but this is just something that I have to do. I'm also working on two other stories as well. I'm planning on doing Nano again this year but we'll see what I'm up to when that time comes.

I have a lot on my plate right now. This blog, the novel, a swap on craftster, and I'm doing a knit-a-long which I really need to get working on this coming week. I found keeping busy is helping me to not shop. I know I shouldn't be patting myself on the back right now but I'm really trying to be super conscious about how much I'm spending. It's only the 11th of January...but so far so good.