Ramble On

For some reason at 7PM I decided it would be a good idea to bake some sugar cookies, something I intend to do every holiday but we just never get around to. I hate making cut-out cookies in general, it's messy, it takes a long time, and after all the baking is done there is the massive sprinkle clean up at the end. Not. Fun.

The project started with just Middle Girlie and I, but Baby Girl can't stand to be left out of anything so she came out to the kitchen as well and promptly made herself in charge of the sprinkles. Middle Girlie wanted to roll out the dough and started to do so but it was hot in the kitchen and the dough was starting to get sticky so I told her I had to do it. Then she wanted to use the cookie cutters to cut out the shapes but then they were sticking so I did that as well. Then she wanted to put the sprinkles on, but her baby sister threw a fit whenever she touched the sprinkle container. I made her (Baby Girl) share with her big sister, but she was not happy. The cookie making went fast, I cheated and bought a store mix and it only made a couple of cookies since these things were so darn huge. They liked the cookies, they ate the cookies (yes right before bed...)

I'm sitting here now thinking back on it crying. I should have just let her roll out the dough, who cares it if stuck to everything. These are the things that she's going to remember when she grows up and I don't want her to have bad memories of spending time with me. Maybe that's selfish ? I have no idea. Holidays, for me, are very stressful they just always have been. I do not want to pass that on to my children so in a way I have to be selfish because I have to stop the behavior in myself. I have no idea how to do that, and it scares the crap out of me.

Another thing that really struck me today was when we had stopped at the grocery store tonight after her ballet class she said she had to go to the bathroom. I asked if she really needed to go (the store's bathroom is not very nice...) she said yes and I said okay let's go! This is what my daughter said to me: "Oh..I thought you were going to be mad at me." She thought I was going to be mad at her for telling me she had to go to the bathroom! What sort of image am I presenting to her? I thought I was pretty even tempered it comes to dealing with my children but maybe I'm not. I'm the first to admit that I get upset about things pretty easily and tend to overreact to things but I thought I wasn't like that with the kids. Maybe I am? How do I find out? How do I fix it? It's not something I have prayed about before, but now I'm going to start.

Just now, as I was writing this all out, I felt a cold sweat come over me as I realized that maybe she thinks that I don't like her. I know that feeling. I know how it feels to not feel good enough and to feel judged all the time. I know how it feels to be craving attention and love and to just not get it. I know how it feels to be crying alone in the dark at 2:30 AM thinking back over the day and everything that could have been different. I don't want her to feel like this. I have to do something about it.

My new sun catcher throws rainbows all over my bed in the afternoon.


The kids were thrilled to be able to "catch" the rainbows.

I've been writing, oh I've been writing.. there is much drama going on behind the scenes!

I realized tonight that I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I fought for so long against my insecurities because I wanted to "be a writer" when really, I'm not very good at it. I don't know if my energy would be better spent elsewhere or what. It was humbling. I'm just not sure what else I'm actually motivated to do. It's scary.

Moving on:

I'm knitting again, which is nice although today I didn't do any of it. Today I took my kids outside and we played with all their riding toys. We took a walk around the yard and found sticks, bugs, and flowers. We played on the swings and then we all piled up on the hammock. It was hot. We had Popsicles. Then we all went inside for a break from the sun and to recoup before soccer practice.

Now earlier in the day I had a little bit of an accident. I was stepping over the baby gate on the bottom of the steps. I was wearing socks and I slipped while straddling it and bounced off the gate. If that gate was a saw it would have cut me in half. It's been very uncomfortable moving around, soccer practice was not so fun. Chasing a 19-month-old around for two hours took a huge toll on me. Thank God hubby was there to help but the amount I had to do was enough. After we got home and I crashed on my cushy chair my lower back started to hurt as well. I'm hoping I'm not too sore in the morning.

Today I missed a party that I had been planning on going to for months. Ironically enough it was a friend's baby shower (I'll get to the ironic part in a minute). The trip would have taken me 5 hours to make and I was more than willing to make it.

Then my baby got sick. She was fitful, coughing, through out the night and I got little to no sleep. My husband had to get up and go into work (odd for him but he had to none-the-less) at 4:30 in the morning so I was on the night shift. I was in no shape to drive and when hubs got home from work I went back to bed...until noon.

I pitted myself. This always happens. I'm the mama so I have to deal with this stuff and I have to miss out on things. Blah blah blah.

Later on the older kids went to bed and I gave my daughter a bath and she did not cough the entire time she was in the tub. As I dried her off she talked to herself in the mirror "Hi! Hi!" and waved at her reflection. Then we sat on the couch together and I watched Paul Blart Mall Cop and she enjoyed the soundtrack. She was smiling the whole time even as her eyes began to get heavy and she held on to her blanket leaning her head against my neck. I may have missed that party but if the only thing that I'm destined to do in this world is to be their mom then I'm okay with that.

Not many of my close friends from high school have kids. In fact out of our little "group" (which consists of four people) I am the only one with kids (so far, the baby shower lady is one of the four and she's due in May). I don't know if it's true for everyone but I'm going to assume that it is, after you have a baby something so strange happens, a primal bonding of spirits and when they are sick or hurting a piece of you breaks. I don't think even if given the opportunity I would have slept last night. It was like I was right back to when she was three days old and I was monitoring her breathing.

How do you even explain this stuff to people who don't have children? I can say whatever I want but until someone has a child they just don't get how emotionally intense this whole experience is compounded further with each child that comes. So I had to tell my friend that I couldn't come, that I was too tired to drive. I just left it at that because my real message should have been this: my daughter was sick and I was heartbroken so I had to stay up all night to make sure she was breathing properly therefore I can't come to your baby party. I don't want people to think I'm insane, but that's the truth of it. I rarely, very very rarely, go out anywhere with out my children. Hubby and I have a "date night" about every six months. Is it hard to not really have a social life(aside from face book and occasionally email), yes. Sometimes it makes me cranky but all in all I chose this life and I love being a mama to my children. Sometimes people ask me what I would be doing if I didn't have kids and I can not answer them I can't even fathom my life with out these people in it. I remember before them, and I was floundering. I don't wan to say that they've given me a purpose in life because I don't believe that I should be putting that sort of pressure on them but at least they've shown me something that I can be good at and that's super important to me. My kids are nice, they are usually polite, they love to dance, do art projects, and they're nice to animals. As much as I think I've failed as a person I look at them and realize that maybe I'm not all bad.

I used my (new) sewing machine for the second time ever yesterday when I got some fabric I ordered to make a little curtain for Eldest's bed. It was amazing, I got the mail, opened the package, took it right downstairs and sewed the curtain. I actually used a craft supply the way I had meant it to be used and in a (very) timely manner! I was actually shocked while I was doing it and especially afterward. It turned out so well. I know it's just a simple curtain but I love it so much and I'm so proud of myself that I actually did something that I wanted and had planned to do. Also the kid loves it, and who wouldn't like a squirrel treasure map curtain?

Oh yes I have proof:


Yesterday was an amazing day. I got very little sleep, it snowed, school was canceled. I was mindful about my temper I did not yell at. all. yesterday.

Today however, was another story. Everything I did today seemed in vain. I scrubbed the floor in the kitchen and then served the children lunch. The baby dropped an entire bowl of macaroni and cheese on to the floor.

Later on Eldest was goofing around (after he was told not to) and did some sort of ninja move right into the baby's snack bowl which flipped into the air and sprayed gluten all over the room. After that got cleaned and the baby was up taking her nap the other two were using colored pencils and had to sharpened some which got little wood shavings all over the carpet. I had to vacuum three times today.

I made a mistake and forgot to put the gate up between the kitchen and the living room. My baby is a climber, she climbed onto the table got her older sister's cherry Pepsi and brought it into the living room to show off her prize. Now, my kids aren't allowed to have drinks in the living room cause they always always get spilled. Middle Girlie moved towards the baby too fast, she got spooked and dropped the drink which dumped all over the carpet. This is the point where I yelled.

It was mostly because I was frustrated with myself, why couldn't anything go right today? I went out into the kitchen to make dinner. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was sick of vacuuming. The kids didn't do anything out of the ordinary today they were being kids. I took the time right then and there while making my chicken stock to pray. I didn't have a verse I was thinking of I just had to do it but what I thought I wanted to pray for didn't come out, what did was a prayer for my husband.

What the heck?

I think I realized in that moment that these were my challenges and I choose my reaction to them and instead of reacting the way I wanted to I threw a fit. I wasn't out in a snowstorm trying to get to work, my husband was doing that. I don't want to go into other things that are going on that are work-related because it is not my place to talk about that, but I prayed for him and for what he was doing for our family so that I could be home with these kids. I'm grateful. I am not a perfect mother but I'm trying, and I will try again tomorrow.