Ramble On

As of tomorrow I will have been on my new antidepressant for one week. Today is the first day I actually feel awake, this past week I felt like a zombie! I was fine as long as I was up and doing something but the moment I sat down on the couch I was nodding off like my grandma does. I love my grandma, but I don't want to adopt that particular habit of hers at this point. Today is the older kids first day back at school so it's just me and my 2-year-old. We'll see how the rest of the day goes, maybe if I'm feeling really out of it I could get her to take a nap, hopefully!

I feel a lot calmer, I know it probably has nothing to do with the medication because I was told that it takes 3-4 weeks for anything to happen but the calm I'm feeling has been good. I haven't yelled at the kids and since they've all been home together for the past four days there has been a couple good fights, especially since the weather has been bad and we've all be cooped up in the house. They've got like a month of school left, well more like six weeks. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them this summer to keep them occupied and out of each other's hair. It's going to be interesting to say the least.

photo.JPG, originally uploaded by bridgetroll.

I like peeps, not to eat, I think they're gross (i don't like sugar coated anything, it's too grainy, and I can't have sugar now anyway) but I like the way they look. They scream Easter to me, probably because of the marketing but I love them anyway. I have a couple of stuffed ones from years past but the sugar colored ones are just so sparkly and fun.

So I cut the center out of a paper plate, and hot glued the peeps all around it then shoved the extras in between the two rows. I love it. The ribbon is from my ribbon stash (I save ribbon, horde it more like it).

Yesterday I had a GI appointment. I weigh 113lbs. I was warned not to lose any more weight. My GI is also the one who suggested that I might be dealing with some depression symptoms that could be affecting my appetite (I am eating but since I'm not very hungry, I'm not eating enough.) since my Crohn's is seriously under control (yay for being under control!). She spent an hour with me and got me in to see another doctor about my depression issues asap, she even stood there and made the appointment for me.

While I was waiting for the secretary to process my co-payment and paperwork she leaned down to me and said, "You know you're going to be okay". I cried (cause that's what I've been doing lately) but that's exactly what I've been waiting to hear from someone, anyone, other than myself for so long now. I just feel like maybe this time, everything will be okay. It's a comfort at least.

I go back to see her in July, for my one-year-Crohn's-iversary. Well not really I guess, I wasn't officially diagnosed until August 4 2010 but July 21 (the date of my appointment) was the day I was released from the hospital and I had it in mind then that Crohn's was what I was dealing with, so I'm going to go with that date!

I am now offically back on antidepressents, and honestly, i'm really happy about it. I've been freaking out  over dumb stuff. I found myself sitting here on Sunday getting really worked up about Christmas. Not in a "oh we should start saving" way I was getting really upset and trying to figure out things I could sell so I could buy my kids gifts. Um. What made me think I wouldn't be able to buy my children gifts? No idea. I always managed to in the past and I'm sure this year, once again, we'd magnage but why the sudden freak out? Not to meniton that I've been crying, a lot, about everything and nothing.

I'm an emotional person, I've always been an easy crier but it's never been at this level. I'll be having a phone conversation and just start tearing up.  There's more, isn't there always? I'm tired tough, of talking about it and obsessing about it. The bottom line is that I was having reactions to situations that I felt were irrational and I've been dealing with my depression long enough to know and realize when I need to go get help before it gets any worse.

In my mind I don't plan on being on the meds long-term, the doctors aren't thinking I'm going to either. We're currently look at 9-12 months and then weaning off, but we'll see where we're at when that happens. Right now, I need to be present for my kids and not a weepy heap.

My daughter's birthday is on Saturday, Easter is on Sunday this is a time of the year to make positive memories not things like "remember when I turned 6, and mom flipped out?". I'd rather not be involved in that. Thanks.

I don't have time to type the long verison out now (don't worry I will) here is the short version: I'm not dealing with things well. I'm getting help. Everything is going to be alright. <3

I'm so tired! I have no been getting enough sleep, it's my own fault, I've been staying up late reading. The other night I was up until 3:30AM I just could not put my book down!


I finished How to Knit a Love Song early Sunday morning. It had a couple of sex scenes, those usually make me very uncomfortable because I'm some sort of prude in my old age but the story was very good and it involved knitting.

I was skeptical about the book because I could not figure out how the author was going to intertwine knitting and the story beyond "she sat knitting" which there was a lot of, but the entire story evolved out of knitting. I don't want to give it all away but it was very interesting how she did it and it didn't seem forced at all.

I liked it, but I don't think I will share it with my mom (she borrows my Nook when she does her 9 hour IVIg treatments every month).

Honestly, I think she'd like the story but the fact that there are some steamy scenes in it, well it embarrasses me to recommend it to her! I'll stick to the Amish books she enjoys for her monthly treatments.

Oh I just noticed the author has another book out! I'm going to check it out by downloading a sample (how cool is that?).

photo.JPG, originally uploaded by bridgetroll.

These are a gift for my oldest daughter's 6th birthday next Friday. I can not believe she's going to be six, I also realize that everyone says that when speaking about their children but it's so true. The time goes by so fast.

In the past week, okay maybe few days, things have gotten um...rocky.

On Thursday my Eldest came down with strep. I'm now waiting for the 2-year-old to get it. I'm hoping with warmer weather will come an end to all the nasty stuff going around and around and around. I have no idea how the poor nurse will do a throat swab on a 2 year old. God I hope she doesn't get it.

After we got back from the doctor and pharamcy with meds my husband called me from work sounding very glum. My husband, who had been waiting to ship to OCS (Army Officer School), had to now go back to boot camp which he had completed back in '03 (Air Force though). This is a new reg that was just passed on April 4, all prior service that have been separated for more than three years have to re-do boot camp, basic military training, whatever they call it now. He was due to ship April 28.

Now, we found this out on Thursday April 7. That's not too much notice, but anyway, after a very very long day bottom line is that my husband has decided that he's not going to be going into the Army. He is giving up his spot at OCS. This is huge for him because this is what he wanted to do with his life. I don't think anyone will ever fully know all the reasons that he decided not to go but I support him fully in whatever he decides.

However, we had a plan and it's going to take some time for me personally to readjust. I have to come to terms that we're going to be here until he retires from his job. He works at a major university in our state, it's not a bad job and he does like what he does. It provides us with an income and health insurance, for which I'm extremely grateful but I never wanted to live here. I don't really like the area we're in and I don't like the state in general. It's not the people, it's not the school district, to be perfectly honest it's the weather. I hate snow and cold and that's pretty much all we got up here.

I was so excited to leave and be able to move around a lot. I was excited for the commissary and the cheap groceries and the fact that they bag them and carry them to your car. I was excited to see my man in a uniform again. I had that life before and I'm glad for the memories and I think I'll always compare every grocery I'm ever in to the commissary at Kirtland (loved that place) but I'm going to have to get over it. Miss it, and then let it go (can you tell I just watched Eat Pray Love ?).

So now we're back to square one. We've been building up to him leaving for the Army for about 7 months now, this was the path we were on and now we're not exactly sure what we're doing. We've got about three years left on our school loans (which are horrible and crippling financially) and after that we'll see what happens I guess. Three years. Three freaking more years. Wow. 

It's snowing right now. No I don't want to talk about it.
What I do want to talk about is my dental appointment yesterday. Since I was diganosed with Crohn's I've become super paranoid about my teeth. Before my diagnosis I never really flossed on a consistent basis and I didn't brush every night either, I never really had major issues with my teeth until I was pregnant with my second child I was very ill for months and my back molars got holes in them, yes holes, right along the gum line.

It was awful. I had to wait until she was six months old (and not nursing every two hours) to get them fixed and at that time I ended up having a total of 9 cavities all at once after not having any ever, my entire life up to that point. It happened so quickly, I had been at the dentist for a regular check up a few months before I got pregnant. I was 22 at the time and that was right around the time when my Crohn's symptoms started in earnest, of course I didn't know what was going on with me back then. I just figured things were changing, I had two kids, I was tired, that was normal. It wasn't. My teeth weren't the only thing that should have been a warning sign for me but back then I didn't know what I should be looking for.

But back to now: I had dental appointment yesterday and I have to admit I was nervous. I have been brushing twice a day (carefully, don't push too hard your you'll do more harm then good!) and flossing once a day before bed. I haven't been using any sort of fluoride rinses or anything because I'm not really convinced they would do anything and they have added sugars (what the heck?!). So I went and everything was fine! The tech was really impressed with my teeth, I got xrays done and everything looked good with those too. She was also really supportive of my diet, which made me feel really good about what I'm doing.

I know, I shouldn't care what other people say or think and for the most I don't because I believe that I'm doing the right thing for my body and for my health but it was nice to have some support from someone in the medical community. The health of your teeth and gums is so telling and important to your over all health and it's something to take seriously.

I got sick. I'm feeling much better this morning but yesterday was a lost day. I absoutely hate throwing up. Ugh.

I got up this morning and baked myself a batch of bread, and crushed some ice (always always had crushed ice when I was sick) and pouted because I really wanted a ginger ale.

So I googled and I found this recipe for an SCD legal ginger ale and I could not get it made fast enough. You guys, it's awesome. I have a glass beside me right now and I'm trying to pace myself drinking it. I also going to make a pot of ginger and lemon tea and see how that is chilled mixed with seltzer but for now, this stuff is awesome.

The good news is that I had absolutely no Crohn's involvement with this fluish illness. I'm so grateful for that.