Ramble On

Today my mom was very off, she hadn't been out of bed in two days. I was trying to convince her to let me take her to the ER but she refused. She did make an appointment for later in the day (I wanted to take her to the ER around 10:30 AM, she got an appointment for 3PM), which is good, at least she was admitting that she needed some help. She's very stubborn and it doesn't help that she's a nurse too, I think those in the medical field are some of the very worst patients when it comes down to it.

While I was arguing with her to go to the ER my stomach was making these very loud groaning noises. I told her she was making my Crohn's angry, she laughed, that was good. I got her a cup of crushed ice and she ate three spoonfuls, then she slept for a bit.

Around 2PM I went back to check on her and she was in the bathroom sitting on a chair attempting to blow dry her hair. I have no idea how she managed to get her hair washed but after two days in bed I'm not sure if I could have hung over the sink and washed my hair, but she's very concerned about her hair so I sort of knew she would make an effort to do something with it.

While I was standing there watching her blow drying I noticed how thin her hair has become it's especially noticeable when it's wet when the hair sticks to itself in clumps. As I stood there looking at her and thinking about all of this I felt nauseous. I don't think it was the thought of her being bald but because if she was she'd be obviously sick, right now she can sort of hide it. She hasn't driven in two years, but she's got a disabled parking permit and sometimes we get dirty looks when we use it because the only thing people can actually see is a slight limp.

I'm feeling really disconnected from my mom lately. She's so sick, and I hate seeing her like this. I think it's hard for her too, having to rely on other people when in the past she took care of everyone else, as a wife, a mother, and a nurse. It must be so hard for her attempting to adjust to this new life. It makes me so sad for her. It makes me sad for me too because I've lost that person that I use to know and I feel like I'm finally mourning for her and trying to get to know this new person who is inhabiting my mother's body.



It's sounds crazy but knitting this was like a prayer, I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it was meditative. It helped that the pattern was created for a woman who had lost a child and I think that sentiment stayed with me throughout the knitting process. It was a comfort to feel the yarn moving through my fingers creating this cloth out of string, it's amazing to watch and to be a part of. I felt like my mourning for my old relationship with my mother began with knitting this shawl I touched on some emotions that I had been denying myself for a while and it was very cleansing for me. I have plans to knit two more, one for my mom and one for my Aunt, who I've grown close to over the past month.

I feel like healthy to try to be productive through all of this. Maybe I could just curl up and cry like I would have in the past but I can't now. I have to move through this I know that I've been given these challenges for a reason and I have to be here and present to feel these things that I've been avoiding for so long.

So if I have to cope with knitting needles in hand, so be it, there are far worse things I could be doing.


pattern is Far Away so Close by Sweet Mama, Small Sugar.

I got sick. I'm feeling much better this morning but yesterday was a lost day. I absoutely hate throwing up. Ugh.

I got up this morning and baked myself a batch of bread, and crushed some ice (always always had crushed ice when I was sick) and pouted because I really wanted a ginger ale.

So I googled and I found this recipe for an SCD legal ginger ale and I could not get it made fast enough. You guys, it's awesome. I have a glass beside me right now and I'm trying to pace myself drinking it. I also going to make a pot of ginger and lemon tea and see how that is chilled mixed with seltzer but for now, this stuff is awesome.

The good news is that I had absolutely no Crohn's involvement with this fluish illness. I'm so grateful for that.

My laptop is broken, or defective I suppose. A bit of it got recalled so I have to ship it back to Sony to get it fixed which, apparently, is going to take a while. I'm borrowing my husband's MacBook Pro for a few moments at a time and I'm not completely comfortable using it yet but I did manage  to get on the internet although the whole one-button-mouse thing is completely throwing me off.

In addition to my laptop issues my 2-year-old came down with what my oldest had approx a week ago yesterday a 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a long night. She's in a much better mood today and I'm tired but happy that so far, no one has thrown up today.  Still waiting on the rest of us to get it, and drinking as much water as I possibly can. No idea if that will help but I tend to dehydrate very quickly so I'm taking very precaution. 

I have not gotten much done in the past couple of days that I would have liked, but really, who cares. I'm so thankful that I'm able to take care of my children even if that means cleaning up vomit (really tired of cleaning up vomit), but I did it, cause I'm mom and that's what we do.

First the toilet overflowed in the kids bathroom. Then Middle Girlie spiked a 102.5 degree temp around 2PM. Eldest complained that his throat hurt and decided not to speak most of the day. Ugh.

We had no idea what we were going to do, Middle Girlie was really looking forward to Trick or Treat so we gave her some Motrin and fluids and by 5:30 her temp was normal (and she was doing laps around the yard) and we decided to take her out for a little while so we got the girls dressed and headed to my Aunt's house two towns over (we live in the middle of nowhere). By this time Eldest had been picked up by a friend's mother to go Trick or Treat in their neighborhood. Eldest is in 4th grade, it's not cool anymore to be walking around with your two little sisters.

After a few houses and the Light the Night event at the local chruch Middle Girlie was done and wanted to go home. On the way back into town we got a phone call that Eldest was ready to be picked up. Uh oh. We get there within two minutes and he's not looking so good. His throat again. We get home and check everyone's temps, all normal. Middle Girlie looks over her candy, asks for a glass of water and crashes out on the couch still in her costume. Eldest does the same, Baby Girl eats a bunch of candy and proceeds to run in circles for the next two hours before finally falling asleep around 11PM.

I'm glad everyone was able to go Trick or Treating. I still don't know if it was a good idea since it seems like everyone was feeling bad and truth be told, we weren't going to go at all but my husband made the decision to go and I had five minutes to get ready. I threw on jeans, a sweater, jacket, gloves and a hat (hey we live in the north east!) and I got in the truck. I realized later that I had forgotten my diaper bag (oops) but it turned out we didn't need it (Thank God!).

I didn't even think about it until we were on the way back home that my Crohn's didn't even cross my mind. I wasn't in pain, I was just there in the moment with my kids going off to do something fun. It was amazing to do that and I was so excited when it dawned on me that it had happened. Honestly, it wasn't even hard to avoid sampling the kids candy. Why would I want to eat something that is going to make me sick? I made myself a cup of peppermint tea and watched them enjoy it.

On Sunday we all sort of laid around until mid afternoon, watched a couple of Harry Potter movies. Then I decided to take advantage of Hubby being home and went to run my errands just in case I have a houseful of sick children Monday morning. We have plenty of diapers, food, and toilet paper, you know, important stuff.