Ramble On

I've restarted the dreaded Shred. This time I didn't feel like I was going to die during the first work out. I had initially intended to do the whole thing 30 days in a row, because that's the plan, but I got sick today and my wrists are really hurting. So I think I'm going to do it every-other-day for 30 full days of actual exercise which will actually take me 60. Yep. I just have to do something, ya know cause I just feel lumpy and crappy. I'm wearing a size 6, which is a perfectly normal size and I'm not worried about my weight cause I just don't care but I would like to feel okay in a bathing suit and I feel better when I do workout. I know it's silly but I feel a lot better even after doing this only twice, and if it makes me feel good (and doesn't hurt anyone else) then great!

My favorite thing to do in spring is rearrange the furniture. This was especially exciting for me this year because we recently (two days ago) moved the baby into her older sister's room that they are now sharing.

Yesterday while the baby napped I moved around all the furniture. I managed to do all the major moving within 30 minutes then I cleaned myself up and took the kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. Eldest didn't participate cause he's old and over it, and the baby was terrified, but my Middle Girlie loves the bunny and gets her picture taken with him every year.

So I wasn't home when hubby got home from work and I figured he hadn't seen the room because he didn't call me freaking out. I had to suggest that he go upstairs and check it out and he sort of flipped because I had lifted this big giant tv by myself.

Me: "I didn't drop it!"
Him: "You could have hurt yourself, that's too big for you to lift"
Me: "I lifted with my legs!"

Anyway, we have so much room now. Obviously the room hadn't gotten any bigger but I guess I forgot how big the room actually is and I must have done some awesome sort of feng shui with out knowing it because I slept really well last night. Or it could have been that I've been so busy this week with kid-stuff and me-stuff that I'm just actually tired. Either way I don't care, it's lovely to be able to sleep.

Today my legs hurt and when I woke up I didn't really know why until I remembered, oh yeah I moved all the furniture around. Next up is my sewing room in the basement, it's a wreck.

Flower peg people to welcome spring

Started something new and I do not want to jinx it.

I keep finding myself googling how to pray for certain things. I need to stop and realize that it's in me already as long as the prayer is sincere it doesn't matter how it's phrased. I don't think God really cares if my grammar is perfect or if I'm using the right sort of fancy language. I'm not perfect.

I've been writing a lot, no not working on my novel. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I can deal with that again. The work load got overwhelming to me and I just couldn't even look or deal with it. It's a good excuse, I guess, but now it is time to push forward. The bones are there it just needs filled out. I'm going to quit worrying about which market it would fit into or even if people will read it, none of that matters if it's not actually done. So now I just gotta go do.

When I do this (procrastinate) I often think about back in college when I was taking 21 credits a semester, all lit and creative writing courses. I had to write at least one critical paper a week, as well as a short story, and a poem all for different classes and somehow I always showed up to class with my work done. I have to believe it was an accountability issue, I just do not have accountability now and I think that's my problem. Back in November during NanoWriMo I felt motivated, I would post word count updates nearly every night and annoyed the heck out of my facebook friends with them. Now? Who cares if I work on my novel or write a poem? I rarely allow anyone to read my work even when it's entirely finished (that's another problem I need to work on) I'm way too shy about it and fear personal judgement on the basis of something I've written even if it's a work of fiction. I have a lot of issues.

You know when I started college I was not an English major. I started college as a mass communications major thinking that maybe that would get me into a job that paid okay. I hated it. I switched to Psychology, then to Anthropology, and finally just after taking a creative writing class (gen ed requirement) realized that I really did want to be an English major, which was my first instinct anyway when I was filling out my early admissions application for BU. After I switched my major to English, college was easy. I was getting straight As, I was going to class, I had a baby and only went to class two days a week but still managed to get everything done and done well. I loved everything about my classes my last two years of college (cause they were ALL English courses). It's about the only thing I'm good at. I want to feel that way again so I finally admitted to myself, and my husband, that at some point I'd really like to go back to school for an MFA. He said, "so go ahead". Nice.

I do not want to attempt to raise my kids with both of their parents in grad school at the same time, but sometime after Hubby is done with school and the finical aspect isn't so daunting, I'd really like to pursue this even if It's just to get myself some motivation to actually produce. I don't think I want to teach, but I want to be a better writer, and maybe actually want to refer to myself as that someday. You know, "Hi I'm Joslyn, not only do I have all these kids I'm also a writer".

Yeah. That'd be nice.

This is just another reason why I think know that the Lord has a plan for our family, a plan that I’m not trying to understand anymore. I want to just live it in the fullest sense of the word and see where it takes us. I’m tired of depression and always questioning everything. I do believe there is value in introspection but not to the point I take it to where I beat myself up and want to curl into a ball questioning every decision I’ve ever made (or not made) in my life that brought me to this point of emotional struggle.

My mom came through her surgery okay. She in a lot pain now. I've seen the wounds from this "removal of skin cells" and let me tell you, this is not something anyone wants to go through. Thank God that the doctor was able to remove it but there are 3rd degree burns on her skin it's not like getting a mole removed where they can just stitch you up.

Please, please, please wear your sunscreen.

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love. It's only like 350 pages but I'm taking it slow. Initially I downloaded it to my ipod but I went ahead and bought it. I think my mom might want to read it.

I sort of hated the first section when she was in Italy but right now she's in India and I'm completely engrossed. I'm actually using my handy sticky tabs to highlight certain phrases I'd like to return to. I'll probably be a huge nerd and write them down other places. So, so far so good, I think, at least the middle part. I'm very interested in the idea of meditation now due to her descriptions of it.

Here's one of my favorite parts (so far):
"I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water" - from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Is this is all I'm supposed to be doing this life? Doing laundry for seven people? Is this all my life is going to amount to?

I always end up crying on the days that I have to do more than four loads.

Tomorrow my mom goes in for surgery to remove the skin cancer. I'm praying that this takes care of it and that cancer has not spread.

My mom is a very private person, she does not want me talking about this online. I've decided that I don't care though, she needs the prayers, and I need the support. So here it is out there. She's sick and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The cancer is just another thing that has nothing to do with what else is wrong with her, I just pray for answers, for some sort of resolution, so she can start getting some treatment.

I had a momentary freak out today. I thought I need to rewrite my entire novel because it's not set in "present day", which apparently is what is selling right now, and because of that no one will ever want to read it.

Then I remembered that it's actually set in an alternative universe and is purely fantasy and people still do read those, also, I really just want to finish this. I need to finish something so I'm going to push forward with it and make it as good as I can and see what happens. I'm working on a couple other stories as well and I'm looking forward to Nanowrimo again this year.

Today I missed a party that I had been planning on going to for months. Ironically enough it was a friend's baby shower (I'll get to the ironic part in a minute). The trip would have taken me 5 hours to make and I was more than willing to make it.

Then my baby got sick. She was fitful, coughing, through out the night and I got little to no sleep. My husband had to get up and go into work (odd for him but he had to none-the-less) at 4:30 in the morning so I was on the night shift. I was in no shape to drive and when hubs got home from work I went back to bed...until noon.

I pitted myself. This always happens. I'm the mama so I have to deal with this stuff and I have to miss out on things. Blah blah blah.

Later on the older kids went to bed and I gave my daughter a bath and she did not cough the entire time she was in the tub. As I dried her off she talked to herself in the mirror "Hi! Hi!" and waved at her reflection. Then we sat on the couch together and I watched Paul Blart Mall Cop and she enjoyed the soundtrack. She was smiling the whole time even as her eyes began to get heavy and she held on to her blanket leaning her head against my neck. I may have missed that party but if the only thing that I'm destined to do in this world is to be their mom then I'm okay with that.

Not many of my close friends from high school have kids. In fact out of our little "group" (which consists of four people) I am the only one with kids (so far, the baby shower lady is one of the four and she's due in May). I don't know if it's true for everyone but I'm going to assume that it is, after you have a baby something so strange happens, a primal bonding of spirits and when they are sick or hurting a piece of you breaks. I don't think even if given the opportunity I would have slept last night. It was like I was right back to when she was three days old and I was monitoring her breathing.

How do you even explain this stuff to people who don't have children? I can say whatever I want but until someone has a child they just don't get how emotionally intense this whole experience is compounded further with each child that comes. So I had to tell my friend that I couldn't come, that I was too tired to drive. I just left it at that because my real message should have been this: my daughter was sick and I was heartbroken so I had to stay up all night to make sure she was breathing properly therefore I can't come to your baby party. I don't want people to think I'm insane, but that's the truth of it. I rarely, very very rarely, go out anywhere with out my children. Hubby and I have a "date night" about every six months. Is it hard to not really have a social life(aside from face book and occasionally email), yes. Sometimes it makes me cranky but all in all I chose this life and I love being a mama to my children. Sometimes people ask me what I would be doing if I didn't have kids and I can not answer them I can't even fathom my life with out these people in it. I remember before them, and I was floundering. I don't wan to say that they've given me a purpose in life because I don't believe that I should be putting that sort of pressure on them but at least they've shown me something that I can be good at and that's super important to me. My kids are nice, they are usually polite, they love to dance, do art projects, and they're nice to animals. As much as I think I've failed as a person I look at them and realize that maybe I'm not all bad.