Ramble On

My laptop is broken, or defective I suppose. A bit of it got recalled so I have to ship it back to Sony to get it fixed which, apparently, is going to take a while. I'm borrowing my husband's MacBook Pro for a few moments at a time and I'm not completely comfortable using it yet but I did manage  to get on the internet although the whole one-button-mouse thing is completely throwing me off.

In addition to my laptop issues my 2-year-old came down with what my oldest had approx a week ago yesterday a 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a long night. She's in a much better mood today and I'm tired but happy that so far, no one has thrown up today.  Still waiting on the rest of us to get it, and drinking as much water as I possibly can. No idea if that will help but I tend to dehydrate very quickly so I'm taking very precaution. 

I have not gotten much done in the past couple of days that I would have liked, but really, who cares. I'm so thankful that I'm able to take care of my children even if that means cleaning up vomit (really tired of cleaning up vomit), but I did it, cause I'm mom and that's what we do.

This will make approx 6 pieces of French Toast. I usually make two pieces for myself and store the rest of the batter in the fridge for another time. It'll keep for about three days in the fridge. You're going to need bread for this preparation and since I can not eat nuts I've used souffle bread, and coconut flour bread. You can use anything you'd like though, it'll work with any sort of bread. For my family if we're all eating French Toast, I make my portion first and then use the remaining batter for the rest of the crew. Everyone likes it.


In the photos I'm sharing I've used souffle bread.

French Toast Batter
1 egg
1/4 cup yogurt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp vanilla



Place in a hot pan and allow to cook until the side that is down has browned. Flip (like a pancake) and cook until the other side is brown.


Syrup
Go ahead and put about 1/3 of a cup of honey into a microwave safe dish, make sure it's tall because honey likes to climb, and microwave it for approx 30 sections to break the honey and create a syrup. Yum!

I didn't set out to be a success story for any diet or lifestyle or anything like that. I started on this journey to get better and to reclaim my life. I'm so happy that SCD is working for me thus far, I'm happy with how far I've come comparing my life now to my life before the diet, it's so much better. So much better in fact that I now refer to my life before diagnosis as my "previous life".

I've mentioned before that I've suffered from depression for many years as well as carpal tunnel syndrome. Now that I've been on the diet for a considerable amount of time those symptoms too have lessened, which is amazing to me. My wrist pain kept me from doing things that I wanted to do, it kept me from knitting, it kept me from cooking, writing, and picking up my children. That pain is gone now, just gone! It took months for this to happen but as I continued to follow SCD it has gradually diminished. I now can knit for several hours a day, I'm cooking a lot (obviously!), and I'm picking up my kids, well at least the ones that I can lift (the 5-year-old is teetering on the edge of that right now, 9 year old is nearly as tall as me so..).

As far as my depression. I can say that it's less sever than it has been in years. It's still there, lingering, I know it's something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life but now that I'm reclaiming my digestive health I feel like my mental health is also improving. I go outside and play with my kids now, something I never did much of simply because I was too tired. It was a vicious cycle. I was tired, so I didn't go out and play with the kids, then I felt bad about it, so I'd cry, and that would make me more tired. No good.

I went on this diet and started this journey to lessen my Crohn's symptoms. I had no idea taking care of my gut would improve the rest of my health. I'm so grateful that I took the chance and tried the diet. It is hard but it's doable.  I'm so grateful for the people who've gone through this before me that showed me that it could be done and now hopefully, I'm showing others that they can do it as well.

Here's what I want to say: It's easy to get upset, to beat yourself up, to stop taking care of yourself, of your family, your finances. It's easy to give up. Facing a diagnosis, whatever it is, is hard. But please, please try to find the positive in your situation. Don't let your diagnosis take you, you're more than just this disease.

Tomorrow, I will be posting a guide to French Toast including a SCD legal batter recipe. I will post links for breads that will work with it (I also think my banana bread would be really good as French Toast as well but it's not something I've personally tried yet, adding it to my list!) 

It snowed today and I finished this. I thought it was fitting to photograph it draped over and ice covered cherry tree. My 3rd shawl for 2011 (of 11).

Today my son no sooner got to school when the nurse called me to come pick him up. I hate when my kids are sick, but because of his illness I started thinking about comfort foods. In my past life when I got sick I would turn to mashed potatoes, and hot buttered noodles with salt and pepper. Now, I can not eat any of those things. I think that maybe a butternut squash or cauliflower puree, souffle bread for sure, the noodles? there is really no replacement for those as much as I try, I just got nothing.

After my second pregnancy I started getting sick. Looking back on it, maybe part of the reason I always got sick and stayed sick for so long was because of the food. Of course initally the virus would throw me through a loop but it would drag on for a weeks at a time and probably because of all the high starch crappy foods I was putting in my body.

I'm prepared as I can be for what may be to come. I have coconut water (re-hydration), souffle bread, chicken soup, peppermint tea, and a butternut squash hanging out on my counter. 


And by the way, he is feeling much better now. 

My 2-year-old is taking a nap, we switched her to a toddler bed this weekend so I'm going to have to get her up with the older kids now that she's not safely in her crib while we're running around the house getting ready for school. I'm excited because this might mean an official return of "nap time" for her. I'm sitting now but when she first fell asleep I was straight on to the laundry, I even folded it and put it away while it was still warm, that is unheard of for me. It was rainy and gross out this morning. I was honestly shocked that it was not snowing it was so cold, waiting for the bus was hilarious we were all huddled into a circle around the umbrella (it was a large golf umbrella but still) tripping our way down the driveway. We had to just laugh, it was ridiculous.

Over the weekend, it was gorgeous. We made up a new game, well sort of. We made "Epic Hopsctoch" (so named by my 9-year-old son) it started out as a normal hopscotch game and then we started adding squares, curving the path around the cars, going diagonal, we ended up going from -3 all the way up to 100. It went nearly the entire way up the driveway. We played and worked on it for hours, the 2-year-old running up in down the path, the older two using their scooters, and jumping. We timed each other to see who jump the course the fastest, then the slowest. My hands were blue with chalk. The next morning, my legs hurt and I was confused for a minute until I remembered I had spent the better part of the afternoon jumping. 

I'm so grateful that I'm feeling well enough that I can go outside and play with my kids, jump around, and not feel like my insides were going to fall out. I didn't have to fake it, I was there, I was present. I know it probably sounds stupid but last year I could not do that, physically, I just simply could not. I was so sick and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It makes me so sad to think about. 

I've been making stew that features butternut squash as a sub for potatoes and it's a pretty dang good one. The recipe only calls for half a butternut squash so I always have some left over which I chop up and store in one of my beloved lock n' lock containers in the fridge until I'm ready for a snack. I think this would be really good for breakfast along with some over-easy eggs. Yum.

Oven Roasted Butternut Squash Home Fries

1/2 of a peeled, de-seeded and chopped butternut squash
tablespoon olive oil
sea salt & pepper to taste

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Toss the squash in the olive oil, salt, and pepper. Spread out on a jelly roll pan and place in your oven for about 45 minutes  to an hour. It's going to depend on how thick your pieces of squash are. I actually sort of prefer them on the burnt side cause I like the crunch.

After I'm done shooting off the list of things that I don't eat I'm often asked what exactly I do eat.

Well, actually, I eat a lot. I'm supposed to keep a food journal but I don't do it consistently, I'm like that. I'll be all into doing it for about an hour in the morning until I get busy with my kids, misplace my notebook, don't like to type on my (broken) ipod, etc etc. I do know what I ate/drank yesterday though just to give you an idea.

• Water (lots, I'm only putting it here once though)
• Peppermint tea with a tsp of honey (about 3 cups)
• 1 slice SCD legal cheese cake (made with full fat yogurt, and dry curd cottage cheese)
•  Smoothie made with 1 cup of full fat yogurt, 2 bananas, tablespoon of honey 
• decaf tea with a tsp of honey 
• coconut water
• Slice of SCD legal meat loaf (from Grain Free Gourmet, which is made with 90% lean ground meat, and loads of veggies: red pepper, celery, carrots as the binder)
• Apple cider
• seltzer water  
• Roasted chicken legs (2), pureed cauliflower
• 3 slices sharp cheddar cheese
• frozen peach slices, thawed, with cinnamon

Today I am introducing beans that have been soaked over night and fully cooked into my diet with the chicken chili recipe from Grain-Free Gourmet. Hopefully I'm able to tolerate them because that will be a great source of calories and protein for me.

I am trying to gain weight. I haven't lost that much in the grand scheme of things. I weighted 135lbs when I was admitted to the hospital in July, as of today I weigh 112lbs. I am 5'4". Once I stopped growing I pretty consistently weighted about 120lbs all throughout high school and college. I'd like to get close to that again it just seems impossible to keep any weight on right now.



Overall I'm feeling really good but the sight of my slight frame is starting to bother me. My hips stick out too much and my ribs are very apparent. The first thing my friend said to me when she saw me was, "What happened to your boobs?" I'd like to know too. I suppose this is the next step in this journey for me.

There are six weeks until big changes are coming to our family. I'm so nervous, scared, and freaking out. I have to just simply try not to think about it because there is absoultely nothing that I personally can do to prepare for this, I've already done all I can. I just have to let it come and allow whatever is going to happen to happen.

I hate that, and I'm finding that I'm going into mini panic attacks daily. I need to figure out a way to deal with this anxiety or I will get sick and that's not something I want to deal with on top of what is going to be happening.

I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic but I'm not prepared to talk about what's happen as of yet, I'm not sure if I will at all. I'm not sure if my getting excited about something somehow sets the universe into motion to make sure that whatever it is does not happen, for the past several years things have been going pretty badly for us money-wise, and my husband's career-wise, so I suppose I'm use to things going in that direction. How very depressing!

I'm glad that I've hoarded a ton of body wash over the years so I'll have plenty of smelly stuff to take several thousands of bubble baths and I have a lot of yarn, it might not be very good yarn but it's yarn and really if it came down to it I'd knit with dental floss (which I also have a lot of because I always get extra from the dentist).


I'm worried, very worried. I'm not even sure if that's the correct word for what I'm feeling right now but I have to figure out a way to deal with it. As of May 1, we will no longer have health insurance and being a person with a chronic illness, it's doubtful that I will ever be insured again (at least until 2014). Going into a flare is not an option. I'll be able to get my meds filled at the end of April, so I'll be able to ween myself off of them through May and we'll see what happens (my state does not have any health care coverage for adults, so that's not an option, COBRA is also not an option too $$, private pay insurance won't touch me because of my condition). I have the diet and my supplements firmly in place so I might be alright, keeping my fingers crossed and praying. Things have changed. My husband's date got pushed back so I will not be flipping out until July now, a couple more months to prepare.

It's snowing, again, just like the bad news that keeps coming my way, it keeps piling up. I'm still hopeful, that something, anything, will work out eventually. I'm just so tired of waiting.



This is the most recently thang I finished knitting, it's huge, and used up all my random bits of bulky weight yarn. The kids love him they've named him Rainbow. He lives on the couch.

I'm so glad that despite all the poo going on around me, I have something I can do to keep my mind and my fingers busy.

As I was washing dishes this morning I got to thinking about how I thought my life was going to be like when I was *this age*, it's nothing like I imagined. I thought by 28 I'd have a career, probably would have been to grad school or at least starting it. My own house, a newer car. Instead I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I have an incurable illness so the issue of actual employment in the traditional sense is sort of up in the air at this time. We do not own a home and it's very unlikely we will in the foreseeable future. I drive a 12 year old vehicle that I now refer to as my "hoopty car". Grad school won't happen until my children are older and I can find a program that not only offers financial aid but also is completely online/distance ed due to my unpredictable illness. I'm okay with all of this, and this surprised me, because despite the fact that I don't have all the stuff I thought I should have at this age, I have a lot more than I ever expected.

I have three wonderful children and a good marriage. We've been married for nearly 7 years so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say that I have a "good marriage" yet, how many years until we qualify? He still gives me butterflies every time I see him. He is a good friend, a great father, and is a complete and total nerd, like me, we get each other. That's so important. I always joke that he's the "good Catholic boy", which is true he went to a Catholic school, he was an alterboy even when he was in the Air Force he attened mass on Sundays during basic training and served, now granted he later told me that was to get a few hours off from getting yelled at, but still. I'm not sure what they put in the water in the town where he grew up but there are some very good men coming from that area, a very good friend of mine is now engaged to my husband's friend. Yes, we did introduce them. They actually were coupled up at our wedding as a bridesmaid and groomsmen. I don't like taking credit for "hooking people up" just in case it doesn't work, I don't want to get kicked, but I have a good feeling about those two. 

For years I thought that if I admitted that something was good in my life, it would immediately be taken away. Even now if I want something really badly instead of going after it I try to convince myself that I don't really want or need it. I convince myself I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy of it. I'm trying to change that, and I'm praying about it. I'm choosing to pray about it because I just don't know what else I should do and as silly as it sounds I'm often finding myself quoting Abe Lincoln through out the day, "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go", in my head of course, I have not yet taken to muttering to myself. Yet.

I thank God for my children, and my husband, my ability to knit (I can't get over that I can use some sticks  and some string to create things) because it has given a lot of calm these past years, and I'm praying for guidance, and the strength to just get over myself and my self imposed limitations and just let go. 

my sweater, my knitting, my nails, my sweat pants

I really try not to talk about this too much, so it seems to come out in drips. My mom's health has been on the decline for the past couple of years now. She's so sick, and every day just seems to add another symptom to the mix.  She's disabled, completely unable to work in any capacity, she spends her days in bed or sitting in her recliner wrapped in a heating blanket. Everything changed in Sept of 2009 when she had a pain in her hip. A pain in her hip that just got worse and worse and now the pain, the numbness, the nerve death is through out her entire body and is now affecting her heart.

I always said that I couldn't handle this, that I didn't want to be in a position of a caregiver in any capacity but now that I'm here, and I'm in it I just simply try not to think about it too much because I get scared. Not just scared, terrified of what's coming next. Today she's covered in a rash. Will she be able to walk tomorrow? What about next week? Next month?  I just focus on what I have to do right now, the laundry, the dishes, taking care of my children, cooking meals, cleaning, I can't do anything else for her. I can't do anything else at all.

I think I need a vacation. Yep. Somewhere warm.