Ramble On

I just absolutely do not believe that it's June! May seemed fast, and slow at the same time. I'm glad that school is going to be out for the summer next week, at the same time I'm nervous to try to entertain these kids all summer. Right now I have ten minutes, to type this entry, before I need to start dinner. The baby is asleep (finally) I've been trying to get her to take a nap for the past two hours, sort of frustrating. I have nine days to finish my knitting sample, and for a few of those days my husband is taking my kids camping which means I'll have our 2-year-old all to myself (which means nothing will get done).

It being June also means that next month is the anniversary of my hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis with Crohn's. I really do feel much better than I have in years, but I'm also nervous. I'm honestly terrified of going somewhere with out a bathroom. I'm afraid to just go somewhere, anywhere, on a whim without planning it all out. We haven't been out to eat, and I haven't stayed overnight anywhere that didn't have a dedicated kitchen for nearly a year now. I realize that I can't keep living like this but I'm not sure how to get over it.

Getting on the antidepressants and anxiety meds was the first step but I'm still wary of changing my routine. This is working, for now, and I'm afraid to change it because I don't want to get sick. It all comes down to that. I don't want to be sick, who wants to be sick?! It's always in the back of my mind, every cramp, every noise, every time I pass gas (yeah who wants to talk about that?!) I'm afraid that my Crohn's is going to flare, even though it hasn't. I feel like the further away I get from my last flare I become more terrified of the one that's coming. I haven't heard of anyone that gets out of this with only having one flare and one hospitalization. I'm terrified of going off of the SCD and adding things back in. The closer it gets to my big one year mark the more nervous I get.

I know I don't have to go off my diet at all, I'm in charge of what I put in my mouth, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to do so.  A lot of things I've read have suggested that most people who have been on the diet successfully for some time have been able to go out to eat and have one meal completely off diet very occasionally (about once a month).  My kids really want to go to Pizza Hut on Tuesdays when they have the all you can eat buffet. When I think about going there I end up analyzing every ingredient in something I might eat. If I have a slice of pizza that's not just one thing that's not currently on my diet, it's several! Milk, lactose, sugar, gluten, several grains, probably soy. I could go and just not eat, or have a salad with out dressing (or cheese since the shredded bagged stuff is covered in cornstarch to keep it from sticking together), but I won't really enjoy it because I'm so paranoid about cross contamination and the fact that it's Pizza Hut, there's flour flying through the air there!

Besides if I'm going to go have a meal completely off diet, I'd rather eat my grandma's perogies or her fried fish at least I know for sure what goes into those things even if they are completely not something I should eat right now.

After I'm done shooting off the list of things that I don't eat I'm often asked what exactly I do eat.

Well, actually, I eat a lot. I'm supposed to keep a food journal but I don't do it consistently, I'm like that. I'll be all into doing it for about an hour in the morning until I get busy with my kids, misplace my notebook, don't like to type on my (broken) ipod, etc etc. I do know what I ate/drank yesterday though just to give you an idea.

• Water (lots, I'm only putting it here once though)
• Peppermint tea with a tsp of honey (about 3 cups)
• 1 slice SCD legal cheese cake (made with full fat yogurt, and dry curd cottage cheese)
•  Smoothie made with 1 cup of full fat yogurt, 2 bananas, tablespoon of honey 
• decaf tea with a tsp of honey 
• coconut water
• Slice of SCD legal meat loaf (from Grain Free Gourmet, which is made with 90% lean ground meat, and loads of veggies: red pepper, celery, carrots as the binder)
• Apple cider
• seltzer water  
• Roasted chicken legs (2), pureed cauliflower
• 3 slices sharp cheddar cheese
• frozen peach slices, thawed, with cinnamon

Today I am introducing beans that have been soaked over night and fully cooked into my diet with the chicken chili recipe from Grain-Free Gourmet. Hopefully I'm able to tolerate them because that will be a great source of calories and protein for me.

I am trying to gain weight. I haven't lost that much in the grand scheme of things. I weighted 135lbs when I was admitted to the hospital in July, as of today I weigh 112lbs. I am 5'4". Once I stopped growing I pretty consistently weighted about 120lbs all throughout high school and college. I'd like to get close to that again it just seems impossible to keep any weight on right now.



Overall I'm feeling really good but the sight of my slight frame is starting to bother me. My hips stick out too much and my ribs are very apparent. The first thing my friend said to me when she saw me was, "What happened to your boobs?" I'd like to know too. I suppose this is the next step in this journey for me.