Ramble On

As I was washing dishes this morning I got to thinking about how I thought my life was going to be like when I was *this age*, it's nothing like I imagined. I thought by 28 I'd have a career, probably would have been to grad school or at least starting it. My own house, a newer car. Instead I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I have an incurable illness so the issue of actual employment in the traditional sense is sort of up in the air at this time. We do not own a home and it's very unlikely we will in the foreseeable future. I drive a 12 year old vehicle that I now refer to as my "hoopty car". Grad school won't happen until my children are older and I can find a program that not only offers financial aid but also is completely online/distance ed due to my unpredictable illness. I'm okay with all of this, and this surprised me, because despite the fact that I don't have all the stuff I thought I should have at this age, I have a lot more than I ever expected.

I have three wonderful children and a good marriage. We've been married for nearly 7 years so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say that I have a "good marriage" yet, how many years until we qualify? He still gives me butterflies every time I see him. He is a good friend, a great father, and is a complete and total nerd, like me, we get each other. That's so important. I always joke that he's the "good Catholic boy", which is true he went to a Catholic school, he was an alterboy even when he was in the Air Force he attened mass on Sundays during basic training and served, now granted he later told me that was to get a few hours off from getting yelled at, but still. I'm not sure what they put in the water in the town where he grew up but there are some very good men coming from that area, a very good friend of mine is now engaged to my husband's friend. Yes, we did introduce them. They actually were coupled up at our wedding as a bridesmaid and groomsmen. I don't like taking credit for "hooking people up" just in case it doesn't work, I don't want to get kicked, but I have a good feeling about those two. 

For years I thought that if I admitted that something was good in my life, it would immediately be taken away. Even now if I want something really badly instead of going after it I try to convince myself that I don't really want or need it. I convince myself I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy of it. I'm trying to change that, and I'm praying about it. I'm choosing to pray about it because I just don't know what else I should do and as silly as it sounds I'm often finding myself quoting Abe Lincoln through out the day, "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go", in my head of course, I have not yet taken to muttering to myself. Yet.

I thank God for my children, and my husband, my ability to knit (I can't get over that I can use some sticks  and some string to create things) because it has given a lot of calm these past years, and I'm praying for guidance, and the strength to just get over myself and my self imposed limitations and just let go.