Ramble On

I know the last couple of entries have been cryptic and borderline dark. I want to let anyone who is reading this know that I am okay. It was one of those things were you’re kneeling on the bathroom floor crying out to God while the rest of the house is sleeping feeling so alone and so lost and knowing what to do. I’ve suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medication and therapy for it for years. It’s been hard to admit that I have this problem and even harder to try to explain it to people. Some people really try to understand and others just don’t care to.

The past few weeks have been hard for me. It started out with me just not sleeping which I should have realized was a warning sign and then the paranoia started, someone is going to break in during the night I have to stay up, I can’t drive the car because I will crash it and hurt my children. On and on and on it's so tiring to be on edge all the time and feel so alone.

I finally felt compelled to do what I was afraid of doing and I told my husband what was going on. I told him I needed to talk to him alone and he sat awkwardly at the edge of our bed I sat down beside him and as I told him what was going on he just sat there looking confused and lost. I couldn’t hold back my tears I told him that if I started acting funny to please tell me, he said, “how will I know?” and I just told him he would. He sort of nodded and just stared off into space. This is not the first time he’s dealt with this we’ve been together for nearly a decade but I think he realized this time was different.

I felt such a weight lifted off of my after I told him and when I prayed last night and felt even lighter. Today I’m feeling much better. It's hard to deal with this I'm ashamed to admit it but I feel like I need to. I'm not the only one suffering with this illness.

I mentioned before that I hate it when people blog about a huge problem they are having and then by the next entry they say “Oh never mind things are perfect now!” and I’m not trying to do that I just have to share how much better I’m feeling today. That doesn’t mean that things will be okay tomorrow but today, right now in this moment, things are okay. It’s Saturday my wonderful husband is home with me and all of our children are being nice to one another it’s snowing lightly outside and we have nowhere to go.