Ramble On

I have a notebook that I keep under my bed. Conveniently located so I can simply reach down and scoop it up one handed in the dark when an idea strikes me. Lately though it hasn’t been the whole way under no matter how much I shove it with my foot a corner of it keeps poking out as if to say “hellooo here I am…write in me…” but I haven’t been. I’ve been ignoring it and ignoring my knitting. I’m in a funk. I’ve pretty much spent the day feeling sorry for myself. No one thing actually happened to make me feel this way. I’m not even sure I want to share everything that’s been going on. I try to stay positive, because honestly if I don’t, I will go crazy. I guess things just seemed piled up today, more than usual, and it’s not just the laundry (which still needs put away but the baby is sleeping and I’m not going to risk waking her up). I’m having trouble sleeping again I just can’t seem to stop thinking and over thinking things while I should be sleeping.

Today was a good day mom-wise. I am proud to report that I have not yelled since the last time I posted about my yelling. Granted, it’s only been a couple of days but it’s worth something. I hate when people post “oh I’m having a problem” and by their next entry (a few hours later) it’s fixed and everything is perfect again (insert smiley face here). It’s crap. The problem wasn’t really a problem, they have now chosen to ignore it, or they want to appear to have it all together. Every one of those things are valid that’s what we do as human beings, but it doesn’t mean that we aren’t suffering. I try to remember that when I’m off reading whatever blogs/LJs/forums I'm into at the time. Everyone has got issues some like to complain about them (me!) and some people just don’t.

That seems to be a bit off topic but I have a point and I'm getting to it. My devotional this week was about becoming a more loving person; a much needed and humbling lesson. I’m not as loving as I could or should be. I am a jealous person, I’ve been aware of this for a while. When something good happens for someone else immediately my first reaction is to think “hey why not ME” and then I have to take a moment and look at the situation again, reassess and make the choice to be HAPPY for the person.

It’s pathetic. What sort of a person am I if my first thought when something good happens is to get bummed out that it didn’t happen for me? I’m ashamed to admit it but then again I feel called to and maybe this public outing will help me more than dealing with it privately. I don’t want to paint a pretty perfect picture of myself I am flawed, massively. I pray about it every single day. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be jealous, selfish and cruel.

However, is it a sign of significant growth that I'm realizing this now and am taking steps to retrain my initial reaction to situations? I can beat myself up all I want (see above) but at least I am now identifying things I want and need to change about myself and hopefully, with time, I can.