Ramble On

As of tomorrow I will have been on my new antidepressant for one week. Today is the first day I actually feel awake, this past week I felt like a zombie! I was fine as long as I was up and doing something but the moment I sat down on the couch I was nodding off like my grandma does. I love my grandma, but I don't want to adopt that particular habit of hers at this point. Today is the older kids first day back at school so it's just me and my 2-year-old. We'll see how the rest of the day goes, maybe if I'm feeling really out of it I could get her to take a nap, hopefully!

I feel a lot calmer, I know it probably has nothing to do with the medication because I was told that it takes 3-4 weeks for anything to happen but the calm I'm feeling has been good. I haven't yelled at the kids and since they've all been home together for the past four days there has been a couple good fights, especially since the weather has been bad and we've all be cooped up in the house. They've got like a month of school left, well more like six weeks. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them this summer to keep them occupied and out of each other's hair. It's going to be interesting to say the least.

photo.JPG, originally uploaded by bridgetroll.

I like peeps, not to eat, I think they're gross (i don't like sugar coated anything, it's too grainy, and I can't have sugar now anyway) but I like the way they look. They scream Easter to me, probably because of the marketing but I love them anyway. I have a couple of stuffed ones from years past but the sugar colored ones are just so sparkly and fun.

So I cut the center out of a paper plate, and hot glued the peeps all around it then shoved the extras in between the two rows. I love it. The ribbon is from my ribbon stash (I save ribbon, horde it more like it).

Yesterday I had a GI appointment. I weigh 113lbs. I was warned not to lose any more weight. My GI is also the one who suggested that I might be dealing with some depression symptoms that could be affecting my appetite (I am eating but since I'm not very hungry, I'm not eating enough.) since my Crohn's is seriously under control (yay for being under control!). She spent an hour with me and got me in to see another doctor about my depression issues asap, she even stood there and made the appointment for me.

While I was waiting for the secretary to process my co-payment and paperwork she leaned down to me and said, "You know you're going to be okay". I cried (cause that's what I've been doing lately) but that's exactly what I've been waiting to hear from someone, anyone, other than myself for so long now. I just feel like maybe this time, everything will be okay. It's a comfort at least.

I go back to see her in July, for my one-year-Crohn's-iversary. Well not really I guess, I wasn't officially diagnosed until August 4 2010 but July 21 (the date of my appointment) was the day I was released from the hospital and I had it in mind then that Crohn's was what I was dealing with, so I'm going to go with that date!

I am now offically back on antidepressents, and honestly, i'm really happy about it. I've been freaking out  over dumb stuff. I found myself sitting here on Sunday getting really worked up about Christmas. Not in a "oh we should start saving" way I was getting really upset and trying to figure out things I could sell so I could buy my kids gifts. Um. What made me think I wouldn't be able to buy my children gifts? No idea. I always managed to in the past and I'm sure this year, once again, we'd magnage but why the sudden freak out? Not to meniton that I've been crying, a lot, about everything and nothing.

I'm an emotional person, I've always been an easy crier but it's never been at this level. I'll be having a phone conversation and just start tearing up.  There's more, isn't there always? I'm tired tough, of talking about it and obsessing about it. The bottom line is that I was having reactions to situations that I felt were irrational and I've been dealing with my depression long enough to know and realize when I need to go get help before it gets any worse.

In my mind I don't plan on being on the meds long-term, the doctors aren't thinking I'm going to either. We're currently look at 9-12 months and then weaning off, but we'll see where we're at when that happens. Right now, I need to be present for my kids and not a weepy heap.

My daughter's birthday is on Saturday, Easter is on Sunday this is a time of the year to make positive memories not things like "remember when I turned 6, and mom flipped out?". I'd rather not be involved in that. Thanks.

I don't have time to type the long verison out now (don't worry I will) here is the short version: I'm not dealing with things well. I'm getting help. Everything is going to be alright. <3

I'm so tired! I have no been getting enough sleep, it's my own fault, I've been staying up late reading. The other night I was up until 3:30AM I just could not put my book down!


I finished How to Knit a Love Song early Sunday morning. It had a couple of sex scenes, those usually make me very uncomfortable because I'm some sort of prude in my old age but the story was very good and it involved knitting.

I was skeptical about the book because I could not figure out how the author was going to intertwine knitting and the story beyond "she sat knitting" which there was a lot of, but the entire story evolved out of knitting. I don't want to give it all away but it was very interesting how she did it and it didn't seem forced at all.

I liked it, but I don't think I will share it with my mom (she borrows my Nook when she does her 9 hour IVIg treatments every month).

Honestly, I think she'd like the story but the fact that there are some steamy scenes in it, well it embarrasses me to recommend it to her! I'll stick to the Amish books she enjoys for her monthly treatments.

Oh I just noticed the author has another book out! I'm going to check it out by downloading a sample (how cool is that?).

photo.JPG, originally uploaded by bridgetroll.

These are a gift for my oldest daughter's 6th birthday next Friday. I can not believe she's going to be six, I also realize that everyone says that when speaking about their children but it's so true. The time goes by so fast.